Hi EC, I only discovered this site a few days ago and have been reading the forums. This is my first post, and I would like to tell my story and discuss the bigger issue of coming out a second time after being pushed back into the closet when I was still in high school. A little about me, My name is Adam. I live in southern Louisiana and I'm a late 20-something teacher. When I was just getting into my teen years I knew I was gay. It was something I kept to myself since I grew up in a little rural town and didn't know any other gay people. When I got into high school and made some good friends I felt comfortable enough to open up. All my friends were accepting. I started with telling girls who were excited for me and gave me the support I needed. When I got more confident I started telling my guy friends. One of them, when he found out, looked at me across the lunch table for a moment and then said casually, "I've known this for awhile now. I'm more surprised you finally told me." From there on out, I felt great. However I was nowhere NEAR ready to tell my family. My parents are super religious (my dad is a church leader and my mother a Sunday school teacher) and my older brother and his wife are members of a conservative mega-church in a big city. When I was 17 one of my friends introduced me to a guy she knew and we hit it off really well. David and I began dating in October 2003 and were both immediately pulled into an immediate attraction relationship. He lived in the northern part of my state, a few hours away, and this was before the social media boom, so we talked daily by phone and I knew I was so in love with this man. In late January 2004, about three weeks before I turned 18, David had some vacation time saved up and made a trip down to see me. We could have waited another month until I was legal, but we scheduled the meetup anyway. He came down one weekend and he was even better in person. We had a great weekend together and everything seemed to be going well... That Sunday after church and lunch together, my parents confronted me. They told me they knew about David and who he was and told me to break it off with him. Since he was 20 and I was 17, they told me they would have him arrested and that scared the hell out of me. Of course, 17 is the age of consent in my state, but I didn't know that then. Needless to say, we broke up. The following week was rough. I still went about my routine of school and after-school job but the tension was thick in my home. That Thursday I was in for another surprise. When I came in from school my parents told me my brother and his wife (who live the next state over from us) wanted me to come up to visit them and see a new city. I've always been close to them, so I fell for this. I spent the next week there. That weekend, I went to the mega-church with them. After the service I found myself in a "prayer room" and was counseled by the two of them and this other couple who were associate ministers. My brother and sister-in-law were sure to tell me how much they loved me and asked if I felt attacked or bullied. The four of them prayed for me. I was back in the closet. I came home the next week and all my panicked friends were so glad to see me again. No one bought my "I'm not really gay" routine, but I was doing this to myself to appease my family and because I have always been a bit of a believer as I was raised in the church. The last few months of my senior year weren't all that great, but I survived. After graduating I enrolled in the local university as it is one of the best around here and they had a degree program I wanted to attend. As the college was so close I commuted and lived at home still. Flash forward to now: I graduated a few years ago, moved out, got a decent entry-level job in my field and later went back to school for my Master's Degree, which I am now only two semesters away from completing. Once I moved out, I kept myself to myself, as people say. Once I got settled into my new town and met my new roommates and started my adult life I opened up. I live with a straight guy and a straight girl and both are completely cool with who I am. My circle of friends (old and new) all support me too. That said, I want to open up to my family again. Maybe now that I'm an adult and have accomplished good things for myself, maybe they'll see it isn't a "phase" and that I'm not "confused" or any of those things. Then again, this is the same family who only associates when necessary with my cousin who is a lesbian because they are afraid of her girlfriend. Seriously, I've heard them say things like, "She may have something" and "I don't want her near me, she may jump on me." With a family who thinks gay men and lesbians are diseased rapists, maybe it won't go over well... Again, I'm sorry for the lengthy post, I've always had a way with words and an inability for brevity. Any feedback and communication would be appreciated. Thank you!
HI! Oh I am so glad you are here! Im a Christian too. I just found out the word Transgender, what it means Easter online, it means me I think, I am having problems now...how am I going to deal with my family and church and God and all. And I am an adult, and just felt bad always about what i think and do. I just never dated. I turn all the men down. That made a few people think I am lesbian. I am not. Nobody ever told me about transgender/transexual. I thought I was the only one. Then I found this place right after and have been opening up about my secrets, and found out others have done exactly same things, and they are transmen too! WOW! Am I bad? Want a friend? I am good to listen.
Hi there, I do know one transgender person, but he's a man transitioning into a woman. She's a little out there considering transphobia is FAR worse than homophobia right now and has dealt with a lot of things, but at heart she is a good person, if a bit difficult until she learns to trust you. Do I think you're a bad person? Not at all. I believe all of us can only be what we were created to be. For me, the hardest lesson to learn was that God loves me no matter what and anything he created can't be wrong. I can't completely relate to you since I am a biological male and identify as such, but if you ever want to talk to me about God and church, I'd be more than glad to have those talks with you. ---------- Post added 12th Jun 2012 at 02:33 AM ---------- Thank you! It's always good to know you aren't the only one and there are other people just like you. I know my story isn't the brightest and most loving coming out anyone has had, but if what happened to me and how I handled it can help other people, then I am glad it happened.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I'm sorry to hear your story growing up - it's likely all too frequent in the 'deep south'. I definitely think you should open up to them again. Let them know that this is who you are, there isn't anything wrong with it, and if they don't try to open themselves up a bit and drop their old misperceptions about what it means to be gay then you won't really be able to have anything to do with them. At least that would be my stance on this - although I know it's easier said than done.
I agree with Jim. If you feel that you're ready to open up and talk to them, and are prepared for any blow back you'd receive... then my advice is to go ahead and do it. If I were you, I'd also try to strike up a better relationship with your lesbian cousin. At least if things go to shit with your family, you'll have someone left somewhere. When I eventually come out to my extended family, I'm going to be in her position unfortunately. Much of my extended family are people like your immediate family, so I know the type of folks you're talking about. Although you've probably thought about it already, when you find yourself in a serious relationship (like marriage level serious), you need to take all the proper precautions to protect both yourself (and your interests) and your would-be husband. If marriage is legalized by then, that should be good enough, but if it isn't - speak to a good lawyer. Sign some papers. Get as much protection as you legally can for both you and your spouse. This is good advice for everybody, but it is necessary advice when it comes to dealing with families like yours. There are some real horror stories that can be avoided.
Welcome to EC! I've learned something being with my partner for awhile. My family has always more or less put everything on the table. There aren't many secrets, or "things we don't talk about". But with my partner's family, nearly nothing is talked about. If something needs to be said, it's usually approached very obliquely, and even then, it's not discussed in detail. My partner is over 40, and still hasn't come out to his parents. But they know. It's just one of those "let them know without knowing" things - he bought a house with his "roommate", and they sort of grew to accept that. It may be that you can use this tactic with your family. You're gay. They probably still know that, after a fashion. At least, it wouldn't be a shock to find out you're dating a guy, for instance. So you might just deal with them in that way. If you start dating a guy, tell them that you're "seeing someone". If they want details, don't give them any. It'll be up to you how much to reveal. Just don't let them argue the point. If they get argumentative, close the door. Tell them this isn't open for discussion. Lex
Hello Adam. Your story is so sad! I suddenly feel so sad, just by reading it. I can't believe you had to go through all that. I doubt I could be as strong as you might've been. Have you talked to or seen David again? Anyway, you have to remember that it's your life and it's who you are. There's nothing you can do about it... You're an adult now and independent. Your parents must either accept you and respect you as you are, as a grown-up man, or you must carry on with your life and accept it as well. I wish you the very best luck! Tight hug. (*hug*) BTW, I agree with what Lex said above.
"I would have written a shorter letter but didn't have time." —Blaise Pascal But in all seriousness, I definitely think you should open up to them again. But for your own sake, don't expect a different response from them. I'm not sure they ever thought it was a 'phase' but more something that can be corrected what ever the stage. Anyway, good luck.
I agree with you, Lex. I don't think they ever let it fully go, so to speak. What I mean is I think they all know in the back of their minds that I'm still gay. I did date two women between now and then and both of those relationships weren't fulfilling. The first girl eventually confronted me and I confessed. We were still good friends for awhile after and still chat now and again. The second was a nine month relationship in 2010, but it ended because she was an emotionally immature girl and it was better she never even found out. Maybe they thought that dating the two girls "fixed" me or something, but when the truth hits them, they shouldn't be surprised. At least now I have the advantage of being a self-supporting adult and not a high school boy anymore. Thank you for your sympathies, Kohut. It was a huge shock and something very difficult for me to deal with. I stayed in denial to myself for a few years after that. It wasn't until I had a taste of college life and a campus job, some real independence, that I began to feel okay about myself and open up to some new friends and co-workers. Sadly, things with David ended badly. He and the friend who introduced us tried to contact me and I shut them out. It cost me a boyfriend and a good female friend as well. I haven't had any contact with either of them since late 2004. I don't know what became of either him or my former friend. The bright spot I can take from this is I've had almost a decade to make things better for myself. I have a good life now and while I am not dating, I have fantastic friends and that's enough for me at the moment. As for my immediate family, I know they are good people and they don't intend to hurt me, but they are old school Southerners and their religion has taught them being gay is wrong and can some how be "changed" or "cured." But whatever happens, I won't lie to them or myself. It may take me another decade to open up to them, but it's common knowledge to my friends and colleagues. Thank you, TwoMethod. I don't expect a different reaction from them this time, but as I'm a grown man with my own life, I won't have to be afraid of what they can do. Like I told Kohut, they aren't bad people, just misinformed. Whatever happens, I will have to prepare myself and accept the outcome.
