Hey guys! ( 'w') Yep, I'm back. Don't worry, I would never leave you guys... love y'all too much. SO, once upon a time (sometime in April), my girlfriend admitted her crush on me. And I thought she was cute and figured we'd give it a shot... but here's where life. Gets. COMPLICATED. Ever sense we started going out, I felt really awkward around her. I dunno why, but just something about her being my girlfriend still hadn't registered. I figured that was just me trying to adapt to the new relationship. We held hands and such, and that was fine. We had our first kiss a few weeks in, and this is what threw me off guard: don't get me wrong... she has soft lips and is a good kisser, but something felt off. I often hear that kissing your girlfriemd should have such a wonderful feeling... but I didn't feel anything. Things started to get more awkward, and I started doubting my attraction towards women. I honestly have the hardest time thinking of girls as anything but friends. However, with guys, I tend to have an easier time imagining my future with man than a woman... Moving along, we tend to always argue and never talk or hang out. I've made it a goal to spend time with her over the summer, but I'm not sure whether to spend it as boyfriend/girlfriend or as good friends. Last night, I REALLY started to question my sexuality after a reoccuring dream I've had lately. The dream is as follows: I'm in my room drawing when some male friend (it varies) walks in and watches me draw. We start talking and have a good time hanging out. Then, I ask if we can snuggle, and they say "yes", so we snuggle and flirt. And then, we stare at each other for a second... and kiss. And then I wake up. In this dream, I seem so different. I'm not shy and nervous with a guy... it feels like second nature flirting with a guy. I feel like 100% myself in these dreams. During set crew once, I was back stage with some friends (mostly male) and my friend (call him C) and I were having an awkward contest. So I hugged him, and it felt good... natural. So over the course of the night I would sneak up and hug him from behind. Well wontcha know, I almost got TOO comfy and tried to kiss his neck while hugging him. But during all that... flirting with guys was as easy as tying my shoes. ._. So now, I have thought about going back to being friends. We never argued as friends, and we hung out ALL THE TIME. But now... there's just awkward space. And the idea of breaking up with her is easier said than done... for a few reasons. First, she is the person who isn't exactly the most emotionally stable person out there. She has a dark history and some of the things she tells me honestly scare me. I've had times where I've come home and just broken down in my kitchen because I'm afraid for her safety. She's also suicidal... she hasn't tried in a while, but she still has days where she goes on and tells.me how she wants to kill herself. It makes me sad, and I want to be there for her... but I don't know what else to do other than listen. Also, she's one of those "love at first site and will do ANYTHING to make this work"... she refuses to accept breaking up as an option. If you can get past her dark side, she's such a nice person. All my family and friends love her and say we're beautiful together and they go on.about how our wedding would be and what our kids would look like... but deep down I can't say I'm happy in this relationship. It sucks... I'm living a lie now to keep everyone else happy... what a horrible person I am. My parents know about her sad history, and they promised not to tell anyone. Her parents think she's just trying to tell them these things for attention, but she isn't. I'm just scared for her well-being. Any advice or words of comfort would be appreciated, guys. Thanks for reading this lovely text blob, and I love y'all very much! *hugs*
(*hug*) You're in a tough spot. And you are NOT a horrible person -- quite the opposite, actually. It does sound like you're not straight, potentially gay, and normally the best thing for both of you would be to break up with her and cut off contact until her crush on you wears off. However, the latter, at least, is not an option. I would recommend that you sit her down and tell her how you feel while at the same time reassuring her that you will be there for her as a close friend. There is a good chance that if she has already noticed that you feel awkward around her. There is also a good chance that she blames herself for it, which would exacerbate any other negative feelings she has. If she knows that it isn't her fault that the relationship is so awkward, she might feel better, and it would make it a tiny bit easier to return to being friends. Clear communication about what each of you needs and how you feel probably won't entirely fix the situation, but it should help point a way forward. A more long-term solution is to help her find another couple friends. As long as the two of you remain close friends, her crush on you will not go away, causing both of you emotional stress. However, she does need someone to be there for her, and for better or for worse, right now you're the only one who can do that. Helping her to expand her social circle will take some of the pressure off of you while helping her to build a more solid support network, hopefully boosting her mood. If there is anything you can do to help her develop her identity and become more satisfied with her life, do so (e.g. if you drive and she likes, say, cooking, try looking around for free cooking lessons/workshops that you could drive her to but not attend yourself). Meanwhile, be sure to take care of yourself, too! If you ever become overwhelmed by your relationship with her, explain to her that you need some time for yourself and give yourself time to cool off. It won't do anyone any good if you are too stressed to think straight. Bottom line: Be supportive but honest. Set clear boundaries, but don't withdraw emotionally. Communicate as clearly and be as compassionate as possible every step of the way. And, of course, take all of this with a grain salt. I'm no expert on such matters by any means.
Good thoughts from Tetraquark, which I echo. I was in a similar situation... discovering I was gay, in a relationship with a girl... actually a woman in her 20s, as I was also at the time... and she was unstable and had threatened suicide if I ever broke up with her. Boundaries are really important in situations like this. She's trying to enmesh you in her situation, and that isn't healthy for either of you. One of the most powerful moments for me in my therapy was when my therapist basically said (about this situation) "Look, maybe you break up with her and she drives to a bridge, ties her feet to cinder blocks and throws herself over and drowns. It would be tragic, but it would not be your fault. And the more we talked about it... the more I came to realize he was right. Now... you can set up some safety nets for her... other friends, notify her parents, etc. But the last thing you want to do is avoid ending a false relationship because she is using the threat of her self-harm to keep you in the relationship. That's just ridiculous. So if you are clear this is right for you (and it sounds like it is) then set in motion the ways of creating the support system, set a date on which you're going to tell her, and be firm and resolute. People with no boundaries will try *everything* to get you to change your mind, so you may want to write out what you're going to say in advance, and simply not allow the emotions of the moment to derail you, the threats, or anything else to get in the way. Ultimately, this is not just for you, but for her mental health as well.
