How I went from straight to gay in a span of just a few months

- For all those guys who think what they are feeling now is the end of the world and that they will never be happy. (You will!)

- Just to get it out there.. maybe I'll gain from it too


I'm masculine, like sport, hate shopping, hang out almost exclusively with guys, drink beer when I go out, and up until a few months ago I had a beautiful girlfriend... Would you think this sounds as a gay guy? Most probably not. And neither did I. Did.

Looking back, this adventure -- which it really has been, and still is -- started around September of last year. Me and my new housemate instantly clicked and in just two months time we'd developed an extremely close friendship. To me, that's all it was. A great friendship. After all, I was straight. The thought of that spark between us being more than just a friendship never even once crossed my mind.

It was in the beginning of December that me and him were chatting and laughing, like we always did, when suddenly out of nowhere, he kissed me. Being the straight guy that I was, my natural response was to push him away and get mad. I did not understand why on earth he would ruin our friendship by doing something bizarre like that. And I wasn't just mad... it grossed me out. I didn't want a guy to kiss me!

As days, weeks went on, my initial anger and disgust ebbed away. But instead of things going back the way they were, things took an unexpected turn. I found myself increasingly thinking about the kiss. I didn't know if it was curiosity or something else, but whatever it was, it really freaked me out. How could I think back on a guy kissing me on the lips, and not even feel slightly disgusted or grossed out? A guy!
It didn't help that we saw each other every single day, as every time we were near each other, that kiss would force its way into my mind. After a while I even started thinking about kissing him back. It just wasn't something I could turn off... I hated it, but it was there, building up in my head. All I wanted was to be friends again, the way we were.. but we couldn't, because my mind had plans of its own.

Completely terrified of the possible outcome, but knowing I couldn't go on like this anymore, I decided to watch some gay porn and see how that would make me feel. After the initial "eww!", I got turned on. Really turned on. I felt emotions I swear I'd never felt before, and I clearly remember crying in my room for hours and hours. It was a bad week altogether; my girlfriend broke up with me for not telling her what was going on -- obviously emotions and feelings like that do not go unnoticed --, and I got a confession from my roomie that gave my emotions an extra burst: He was in love with me. After having tried my hardest to avoid him, this unasked-for confession completely destroyed all my efforts of trying to forget about everything.

Now that I had given up on trying to ignore the whole thing, I had to decide what my next step was gonna be. Acknowledge the attraction and tension that had been growing immensely between us, but not do anything with it, or kiss him and see where it goes from there? I chose the first. Even though the attraction was undeniable by now, actually acting on my feelings seemed wrong. Impossible. Whatever happened, I wasn't gonna be that guy.

But over the weeks the tension grew so big, it became nearly impossible to be near him. I started having really scary anxiety attacks. I was deathly afraid of actually being attracted to a guy. Him finding browser history to gay porn and EC didn't help either, and things got even more emotional. After a couple of weeks I decided enough is enough, and that I was gonna kiss him. And so, on a Tuesday night, I did. And I loved it. It was weird, unusual, but at the same time really nice.

I cried the entire night after that. I felt the worst I'd felt so far. I was stuck. I did NOT wanna like a guy, or kiss one. But I had, and loved it. And when we were in the same room, I'd feel like doing it again! This didn't seem to make sense to me at all and my head felt like it was gonna explode. I was lost.

Having these contradicting feelings for someone and being confronted with that person every single day at first broke me down completely, but after weeks of that I found some piece. Honestly I think my body and my mind were just tired of fighting, and so after long consideration I sorta gave up and decided to tell him exactly how I felt. I went to his room in the middle of the night, and told him, hard as it was. We hugged and talked for more than an hour and fell asleep. I cried right before we fell asleep, too. He didn't ask why. I guess he knew.

The following weeks were a mix of being close and trying new things, and distancing myself when uncomfortable or sad. Yes, I still was sad every now and then. Sometimes devastated. Even though I slowly started seeing the feelings wouldn't go away and, looking back now, had probably already been there when I was younger, it was still hard to grasp that I could "turn" gay in a period of a few months.

But as wrong as it all felt at those sad moments... that's how good and how right it felt at other moments, too.

Never having done anything with a guy -- apart from some experimenting at age 12 -- sexual stuff was a challenge too. It was difficult, because the more I did, the more gay I felt, and I still wasn't comfortable with that yet. However, it grew on my relatively fast (^^).

Some more weeks later, I realized the thing we had was starting to look more and more like a relationship. And even though I liked that thing we had, being in a relationship with a guy sounded completely weird, and with him being fully out it didn't even seem like a really good match. However, after some persuasion I took a chance. As of April 2nd, he now was officially my boyfriend.

Saying the word boyfriend felt, it still does feel strange. It's like it hasn't really hit me yet. Even now, two months into this relationship, I still have moments where I cry my eyes out, or look at straight porn and hope and try to get aroused, flirt with girls to see if I still have it in me, break things (sometimes expensive :icon_conf) out of angriness, or distance myself from him because I feel sad and wrong for being with a guy. But I have to get through that to get to the good stuff too.

After some discussions and a looooot of thinking, I'm now planning on coming out to two of my other housemates. As scary as it seems to come out, I wanna be able to do what I want in my own house without having to worry about people walking in and catching me. I know a lot of people wait with coming out until they are completely okay with themselves, but I think for me, it might help me get there. I don't know when exactly I'll do it, because coming out has proven to be the hardest thing to do so far, but I know that I will.

Somehow, I went from being a straight guy having a great relationship with a lovely girlfriend, to being a gay guy having a great relationship with a lovely boyfriend in just a few months' time. Looking back, I still can't really grasp how it all happened. Even now it still feels unreal. Acknowledging my gay feelings sometimes makes me feel the worst I've ever felt in my entire life. But there are also moments where it makes me feel the happiest I've ever felt in my entire life. And those are the moments when I know I did the right thing in starting to figure this all out. To not run away, but face it. And I know that one day, when I fully accept every aspect of this, I'll be that happy in each and every moment. And it's that knowledge that gives me the strength to keep doing what I've been doing these last months -- look forward and face myself in all honesty.

I'm still masculine, like sport, hate shopping, hang out almost exclusively with guys, drink beer when I go out... only difference is now I have a boyfriend. Only difference is now, I am most likely gay.


--- Obviously I can not end this post without showing my gratitude to Chip. I know I've thanked you probably a dozen times already, but it really can't be said enough. You're about 80% of the reason I can and actually am making this thread right now, which probably means without you I wouldn't have. So, thank you again (*hug*) ---

 

thanks everyone for your nice responses. It means a lot

Actually both. My attraction to girls really decreased, and has basically hit bottom now. But thinking back at when I still did have that attraction, I realize that was nothing compared with what I feel now.