Is it always better?

It can be all to easy to internalize other people's attitudes about being gay. Try not to blame yourself - you are, unfortunately, not the first, but you'll also not be the first to put it behind you some day.

What kinds of people or groups around you are accepting and/or open? Do you have many chances to be around people that are okay with gay people, or are gay themselves and open about it?

 

Have the days where you have these thoughts decreasing over time?

 

Personally I would take some time to find yourself. I had to do this recently, and it helped alot. What I found is that this is my life, no one elses. I need to do what makes me happy, because people have their own lifes to find happines. They are not my worry, nor should I be theirs.

People are going to talk, you can not let that define you. Just have to be the better person.

Hope this helped, Ryan.

 

One thing you can do, is give yourself permission to feel bad, while acknowledging why you do. The most important thing is to distinguish the difference between how you feel and what you are.

Consider the difference between these two statements:

I am stupid and ugly.

I feel stupid and ugly.

When you are feeling bad and having negative thoughts about yourself, try to turn the negative thoughts from the first format into the second. It has the advantage of being more true, which helps.

So, when you have the thought that you are a "fag," replace this thought with "I feel like a fag."

After that, you can follow up with, "I feel this way because of internalized homophobia. I am allowed to feel this way--it is a normal response." Here, you acknowledge the true cause of your feeling. It is not because there is something bad about you, but is rather a normal response to being oppressed. You give yourself permission to have the feeling instead of fighting it.

And then, "I have felt this way before, and it goes away." Unlike things that you are, things that you feel are temporary. Here, you acknowledge that the feeling will pass.

Finally, you can assert the truth. The thought, "I am a fag," contains a truth and a lie. It is true that you are attracted to men, but it is a lie that there is anything wrong with this. Here, you should think, "There is nothing wrong with my sexuality."


No one feels good all the time. There are bad days. It's okay to have bad days--when you feel bad, give yourself permission to feel it. Don't fight your feelings, it will only make them worse. But it's important not to allow your bad days to result in negative self-talk about who you are. Always try to find and acknowledge the untruth in the thought.

Definitely try not to worsen matters by lying to yourself more. You know that you are not straight. Acting in ways to affirm your straightness will only make you feel worse, because you know it is a lie. It's okay to put away your "gay stuff" for a day, and avoid thinking about it if it is painful. Just acknowledge that you are doing it because you are having bad feelings, and not because you are straight or because there is anything wrong with your sexuality. Don't try to tell yourself you are straight. Don't pretend.

The mistake that people make with affirmations (positive self-talk) is that they often don't bother to make sure that they are affirming truths. Affirming positive lies to yourself does no good--you know they are lies. On these days, you feel like it would be better to be straight, so you are affirming your straightness. But it does not make you feel better, because it is a lie.

On a good day, think about yourself honestly. What are some things that your genuinely like about yourself? They must be true things! When you are feeling bad about yourself, once you have gone through the process I outlined above, affirm positive things about yourself that are true.

I sometimes have issues with body image. If I am feeling fat, the answer is not to tell myself that I am really thin. What I must do, is acknowledge that my bad feeling about being fat is the result of internalized ideas about what I am "supposed" to look like that I have been exposed to culturally. It makes sense that I feel that way sometimes. But really, there is nothing wrong with being the weight I am; it does not diminish my value as a person.

Then I can affirm positive truths about myself: I have compassion for others. I am a skilled copyeditor. I am a loyal friend. It is not necessary that the affirmations be related in any way to what I am feeling bad about.

So, what you can do is to reject the falsehood in your negative thoughts, and affirm positive truths about yourself--but without invalidating your feelings. You are allowed to feel bad sometimes, you just don't want to reinforce the internalized ideas that are causing it.

 

As Ryan said
we all had/have days like that, we all live in a homophobic world in a degree which doesn't accept diversity and this is what makes us feel bad about being a minority (like any other minority in any area).
give yourself some time and space, one day, out of the blue, you'll see that you are embracing who you are

 

I was/am in the position you are. I am slowly accepting myself, but there are still days that I hate myself for who I am. Apparently i'm going to hell according my dad. And my sister constantly says i'm going to get AIDS and so is my mom now. Don't fret, you are not alone. All I can say is to make friends within the community, then you will see the positives and not the negatives the haters always try to spew. Iv'e made alot of friends within the community to try and feel more comfortable with myself, it's taking time. But i'm getting more comfortable with myself now. Last week i actually had a convo about a guy that my gay friend thought was cute, NEVER a year ago would I think iv'e had a convo like that.

 

Thankfully in my teen years, I didn't hate myself over it... I just told myself it was a phase and went on with my day. I still suppressed my feelings about it but at least i didn't hate myself over it. I rejected Christianity partly due to it. But I don't think I ever hated myself outright for it. When I was 17 I got home internet and was able to read how it's NOT the plague to be gay.. and I finally admitted it to myself. A year or so later I came out to my mom and things went fine for me. But I had to get an ulcer from stressing over it and other unrelated things at the time before I came out. It was a huge weight off my shoulders for sure.

 

well I didn't mean, you should stay alone I was trying to say, these feelings are absolutely natural don't force them to pass in high speed, let them go in time and there is no rush
actually I think you should go out more by the thing you are saying, finding new friends esp in LGBTQ community, or more friends who are supportive about Homosexuality whom you can talk about your concerns in person with them will really help to pass these feelings
And about your friend, I think, yep she can be a great friend but not a partner partnership is not only based on sex but sex is a really important part of it and hey don't compare her with the next door guy, there are good guys out there whom can be awesome friends AND great partners for you
I think you only can be good friend for her and dating her is not a good idea

 

I know how you're feeling as I felt this way for years because of what people had said to me about 'gay people' throughout my childhood. Almost everyone had made it sound as though gay people should be in hell with the devil. Thanks to this web site though I have started to accept myself and even started thinking about coming out and the best way to do it.