Hey guys. It's been a while since I've posted anything on here, but trying to get back in the swing of things. No new news to report, but I just have a few lines of some feelings and thoughts that I need to get off my mind. I feel that by writing it or typing it somehow helps and I don't feel as if I'm keeping it all bottled inside all the time. Sometimes I feel like I just don't know who I am anymore. I mean, I have a good family, great friends, and I know what I want to do with my life. However, lately I have just seemed distanced from myself. That may be in part to the fact that I feel one in my heart, but no one can know what I really feel, so I have to openly go against the very feelings that I have. It is an internal battle that has me ripped apart inside because I long so much just to be able to say "I'm gay and I'm proud. I think gays should have the right to marry. I think that gays should have equal rights when it comes to..." However, because of where I am from, who my family is, and the religious factor in my family, I have to keep those feelings buried deep inside and if and when the topic ever arises in conversation, I have to speak against it. Mind you that I don't out right say that I am totally against things such as that, but I can't necessarily voice my support for it either. Often times I find myself just listening to the conversation and nodding along in contempt agreement to whatever is being said, all the while I just want to cry while doing it. I feel that by doing this, I am deserting my brothers and sisters in the LGBT community. I don't want to let you all down, and I don't want to let myself down, but each time I have to just sit and nod in agreement while inside I feel like screaming, I feel that I am letting you, and myself, down. For this, I am sorry. Sometimes I feel like I am standing in the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs, but no one can hear me. I'm not sure if it's that they can't hear me or that they are just ignoring me. I want so badly to be able to get out of Small-Town, USA and move away for a while just to have the experience of being the real me and not having to worry about anyone finding out. This was pretty much just a vent post...I feel a little better now. :eusa_doh:
You're not letting us down - sometimes just getting through the day is your personal strength. Someday you'll be able to say what you really feel.
