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Just a vent.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BudderMC, Jun 12, 2012.

  1. BudderMC

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    I didn't want to put this under Anonymous because I didn't think it'd help any. Usually when I'm overwhelmed with thoughts I'll go for a walk, sit on campus, and talk it out to myself where nobody's around. This time, I ended up making myself feel worse.

    I don't know where to start. The recurring theme this time around is that I'm doing nothing but lying to myself and everyone else. I mean, the whole point of coming out for me was to be honest with everyone, wasn't it? I feel like I go around both here and IRL spreading the idea that "being gay really doesn't have to be a big deal". But really, it is a big deal, or at least it feels like it. And I've set this precedent for myself, this massive dichotomy, where it is but shouldn't be a big deal. Quite literally since the first time I came out.

    There are days (apparently today is one of them) where I feel like being gay is just... consuming me. All my thoughts, my actions, my day is dictated by this. And I'm sure that's unhealthy, even though everyone probably does it to some extent. Even amongst the people here I'm out to - my friends, the people I trust - I still feel like I can't talk about it. Like if I talk about it too much then I'm pushing the subject, particularly one they don't care about. Or I'm reinforcing the idea that it is a big deal, even though I'm trying not to make it one.

    And then I wonder if other people, gay or straight, even bother thinking through everything to the extent I feel like I am. If they worry about all the little things, or if it's all me. I feel like I say it a lot on here, the idea that you can "fake it till you make it" (within reason), but even I'm starting to doubt that now. I run around daily looking relatively happy and avoiding bringing up any topics that concern my troubles, almost as if I ignore it long enough it'll become a non-issue. And I KNOW that's bullshit logic, so I have no idea why I'm suddenly believing it. Wishful thinking I guess. And to think, I thought I was genuinely getting more accustomed to the idea of being gay and/or out; looks like I was just lying to myself some more.

    It's stupid, but even though it's never been identified I feel like I've unofficially become "token gay guy" of our group or something. And I have no idea how to fill that role I'm stuck with. I don't want to be "too gay" (however stupid that sounds); as if I shouldn't have to fill this supposed role. I want to be myself. I feel like I don't even know what that entails anymore.

    From day one, I've never had a problem with being gay because I liked guys. It's all the personal and social baggage that comes along with it that I've never wanted. And apparently I haven't figured out how to get rid of it. And I'm just frustrated. Fed up, maybe. Probably tired too. So I suppose it's time to sleep it off too.
     
  2. Aldrick

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    I wish I could give some advice, but what you've described is exactly what I am going through.

    Like you, I have no idea how to deal with it. I've accepted that I'm gay. I've even come out to some people.

    I know there are thousands and thousands of out and proud, completely confident, LGBT people out there. I want to be one of those people, and in my head it feels right - that's what I should be, that's what I want to be.

    Then I hit some emotional or psychological roadblock. I stumble. I retreat. I don't know what to do. It would be so easy to say, "Just be yourself." And it feels like I should be able to do that, and it is something that I want to do. However, it isn't that easy.

    It was in part this issue that brought me to EC in the first place. I'm trying to find a way to break free of my own - whatever it is - and be liberated once and for all.

    I don't know. It's hard to even describe, because I don't think I fully understand it yet.

    But like you, I also feel somewhat fraudulent. I've seen so many LGBT people go off and live happy and fulfilling lives. I've seen so many people come out of the closet, learned from their experiences, and made good use of their knowledge - both for myself and for others.

    And yet, for me... it just hasn't been as simple, and I have absolutely no clue what to do about it.
     
  3. ryanninjasheep

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    I would recommend just being yourself, Its not as if they dont know youre gay.
     
  4. Deaf Not Blind

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    ok Budder, then today I am making you 24 hr. straight girl.

    :slight_smile:

    All your problems solved.
    kinda
    enjoy some new ones...your due for the time of the month any second now!

    ---------- Post added 12th Jun 2012 at 09:49 PM ----------

    ps. I have a feeling there is a mask on gay men. My friend has been out a decade for sure, and I know he has very low days. Sometimes people fake happiness so nobody will know inside they are in crisis.
     
  5. Snowy song

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    I sort of feel exactly the same way :icon_sad:
    I've just been having some icky conversations with my parents (came out to them a few weeks ago), and they keep telling me not to be "too gay".

    I know what you mean. The number one thing on my mind is almost always related to being gay. Sometimes I wish there was an off switch, right? So you can actually focus on something else and not be bothered by this constant nagging.

    I can't really say I can give you advice, because I'm sort of dealing with this too. About being yourself, when I think of being myself, all I can think of is massively freaking out about some aspect of being gay/coming out/something along those lines. So, if I be myself am I being 'too gay'?

    eeeek.:eusa_doh:
     
  6. Aldrick

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    That statement is so true. You have no idea how many people have told me that they love to be around me, since I'm always so happy and upbeat. They never see me not smiling, and I always make them laugh. And statements like that make me feel great.

    But they are also a lie. When I'm around other people, I'm focusing on them. Not myself. I'm elevating them, and making them feel fantastic because I derive pleasure from seeing other people happy.

    My issue is when the tables are turned on me. When people try to get behind the "mask" as you put it. It's also an issue when I'm alone, with no one else to focus on but myself and my own thoughts.

    The easiest way to find yourself being pushed away from me is to try and take a peek behind the mask... because then you'd see the truth. There really ain't all that much to smile and laugh about.
     
  7. dreamcatcher

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    Budder, do you have any gay friends that you can talk to? Because from what you've said, although a lot of your friends know about your sexuality, it seems like you don't ever bring it up and just keep anything related to your sexuality to yourself. And so yeah, it does seem like your thoughts about being gay are consuming you entirely, but that's only because you don't have anyone to speak about in person. Also, your sexuality is a big deal. It's a big deal for everyone, even straight people. Sexual imagery is all over the place. I can't count how many times I've heard straight people go on and on about their crushes, relationships (or lack thereof), or sexual conquests. Everyone talks about it. So it is a big deal and you know that it is a big deal. So I think you should treat it as such. Don't undermine your own feelings. It's ok to make a big deal about it and you might feel better if you are true to how you are feeling.

    As for being the token gay gay, you might just be the token gay guy in your group, but there's nothing wrong with that. There's always the token someone in the group. The token gay person, token black person, the "attractive" person, the "goody goody" etc.I used to be the token hispanic person in my group of friends at my previous college but that's not all I was. And honestly, sometimes we would make jokes about it and it was all in good fun. Just like we would make jokes about my friend being the token Jew. If your friends are really your friends, then they know you well enough to know that being gay is another part of the multifaceted person that is you.

    If you can't share more about your sexuality with your group of friends than if you haven't already, maybe become more involved in some sort of lgbt activity. Maybe that will help you become more comfortable with yourself, since that seems to be the underlying problem. Once you're more comfortable with the "gay part" of you, you might just be able to integrate your sexuality with the rest of yourself and then talking about your sexuality with you friends won't be such a big deal anymore.
     
  8. Willisilliw

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    That is exactly how I feel. I always try to make everyone else happy even thought I am miserable myself. I try to keep everybody upbeat and solve all of their problems, while I hide mine behind a fake smile and laugh. I feel like I am the one who has to carry the weight of everyone else's problems, not because I don't choose to, but because I think I can keep mine bottled up forever if I do.

    The only problem with this is that the bottle is full now. I do not know how much more I can take before I cave in. I'm becoming depressed, and the even worse part is I can see it happening. I have not been happy in a long time. I feel like I am slipping away from my friends and family and cant do anything about it. I am scared to death of harming myself (only thoughts, not actually done anything), but don't know how to stop all of this crap. so... yeah.
     
  9. PerfectInsanity

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    What you all described above is the very crux of the closeted life. You end up trying to please everyone else's desires at your expense. It becomes so isolating and divisive as a barrier that when you do come out, it is such a big deal because you've been made to feel shame for what you've been hiding on the other side of the mask for so long. After coming out, sometimes there's reason to believe it might be a really big deal with some people (homophobes/other closet cases), but from what I've experienced most people don't give a damn. The fact that you're gay is just another piece of information they have about what makes you unique as an individual. Sure, some might have bullshit stereotypical impressions of what gay people are like, but ultimately your own uniqueness will show them otherwise.

    A week or so ago I was struggling with whether or not to go to a reunion dinner with some old friends, some who I had not seen in 2-3 years. Two of them I distinctly recall being very homophobic back when we were in the undergraduate program together. I was so frightened about the prospect of dealing with them if they knew through the grapevine that I had come out as gay, that I almost didn't go. But, I felt that there was only one way to know for sure how they would react to seeing me again, so I went. AND the subject of me being gay DID NOT come up at all! We simply just ate dinner reminiscing about the good ol' times and catching up on everyone's professional work lives, etc. at the moment. A few of the couples there are married, one recently pregnant, but surprisingly the conversations were balanced enough that I didn't feel left out again feeling like I had to necessarily hide my social life (now being on the other side of the mask). It simply seemed like a non-issue among them, at least on the surface and I was fine with that. I'm pretty sure they had heard or figured it out, but they treated me no differently. Eventually I do hope to broach the subject with that group, at the very least to further change hearts and minds.

    You never know!
     
  10. Aldrick

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    Willisilliw -

    You should seek some help. When I was your age, I was sitting exactly where you are sitting now. Things for me started to go downhill rapidly and quickly. I was isolated, alone, and things in my life were spiraling out of control. Although I had thought about suicide multiple times by your age, I came close but chickened out several times when I was sixteen. I actually attempted suicide at seventeen, and it was only after that attempt that I got any help. (Unfortunately for me, it was bad help... but my experience is atypical, I think.)

    If you get help now, you can stop things from getting worse. I can tell you from experience, that the further you get drawn toward the black hole of depression, the harder it is to escape its pull. I traveled right up to the event horizon, was nearly killed by it, and still have no idea how I managed to escape. Take it from someone whose been there, you don't want to travel further down that road.

    PerfectInsanity -

    I think you are right, in part. Being closeted for so long has had a strong impact on me. However, I also think it is more complicated than that.

    I don't have the fear of my family reacting badly, not the way that I did when I was a kid. My mother knows and she is 100% supportive. My sister, if she knew, would also be completely supportive. My Dad is likely to be disappointed, but I believe he will ultimately come around to also being supportive.

    For me, I think part of the issue I have revolves around control. I've expended so much energy throughout my life hiding the fact that I am gay, that it's become the one thing that I feel I can control. When I tell someone, it feels like I lose that control, that I surrender some type of power to them. It makes me feel extremely vulnerable, and I loathe vulnerability in ways that is extremely difficult to imagine. I will avoid vulnerability in my personal relationships, to the best of my ability.

    I've never had anyone in my life in which I could be completely vulnerable and open with - unashamed, and completely myself. And I cannot imagine ever being completely vulnerable, because I've always handled everything on my own.

    When someone learns that I am gay, they see a slither of that vulnerability, they get a tiny peek behind the mask. ...and I don't like it. At all. I feel dis-empowered and weak.

    But bleh. I feel like I'm hijacking BudderMC's thread with my own issues. Sorry BudderMC. :slight_smile:
     
  11. BudderMC

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    It's very true, and I know I'm guilty of it from time to time.

    Nope, I can't say I've got any LGBT friends actually. There's one bi girl, who I really should come out to, but I'm holding off since she has links to back home and I don't want to take any chances on that. I have a couple other friends who've helped me a lot through all the coming out, who I used to talk with a lot of the time when I'd be worrying about stuff. One doesn't go to our school anymore, so I hardly get to see her (though she is coming to visit tomorrow, so that's awesome). And the other one is out of the country for the summer. This is kind of what I was worried about before summer started, that when everyone was gone and I was left by myself I'd deteriorate a bit... I'm just disappointed to see that it happened despite my best intentions.

    Oh yeah, I hear you here, I'm already the butt of some other jokes (in good fun, like you said). I know they aren't bothered by it, but I think I've unintentionally blocked off the topic because I didn't want to talk about it, for the stupid fears I listed before that I'd be pushing the topic. I throw in a joking comment here or there, but I know it feels strained on my end and I'm not sure if they're feeding off of that same energy. A catch-22 of sorts. :/

    You're probably right, I'm just not sure where to start. The campus group isn't running over the summer, and I sent an e-mail to the city's group looking for some info with no response yet. Pride is this weekend, but beyond the fact that I'm still chicken to go by myself, it's Father's day and already busy enough as it is (not to mention I'm expected to be home and don't have an excuse to stay here).

    It's almost like I want that connection with something/someone in real life; no offense to EC, but it's just not the same. But I'm kind of lacking options at the moment. :/

    Been there, done that, trust me... it isn't fun (as you're learning). Do yourself a favour and find someone to talk to. Parent, friend, guidance counsellor... anyone. They won't necessarily be able to fix any problems, but it sure as hell helps to have someone else share that burden. I've distanced a lot of my relationships back home over the last 2 years, and while things are better I'm still struggling to get them to a decent level... save yourself the trouble and don't let it slip in the first place. You'll thank yourself for it.

    Lol, no worries. I ranted here, went to sleep, woke up, and studied the whole day, then just got back from my exam. You kept the thread alive for me. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Beyond that though, I'm gonna echo nearly everything you've said; I can relate to just about all of it. And yeah, I've never had those people who I can be vulnerable with. There are a couple getting close... but I still tread with caution, just on a different level of my personal info that I reveal.

    I think more than anything else is the fact that I hate struggling. And right now, I'm struggling a lot. Usually I feel like I'm the one who helps other people out, but not only do I feel like I'm out of resources, I also don't even know how to help myself out. :/
     
  12. Aldrick

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    Yep, this is exactly the way that I feel. It feels like I'm a lifeguard, capable of jumping into the most dangerous of waters, and pulling people to safety. And yet, here I am - I find myself in the same exact position, and I'm drowning. No one is around to save me, and I have no idea how to save myself.

    It's what makes me feel fraudulent, and doubt myself all the time. It's the worry, "How can I help other people, if I can't even help myself?"

    In my case, it's horrible because I know that I am the only thing standing in my way. It's not some external force, it's not some external fear. It's me - 100%, and no one and nothing else. And I don't know how to push back against myself. If it was something else standing in my way, I could reason my way through it, but I can't seem to defeat myself and overcome the barriers that I've erected.
     
  13. BudderMC

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    At risk of saying what you just said... it's exactly how I feel too. I guess it's just nice to have someone who gets what you're saying, even if they can't necessarily help.

    I realize (or worry, whichever) too now that my happiness is a lot more dependent on other people than I thought. Which irks me, since I run around preaching that people should be happy for themselves. Just another count of hypocrisy.

    I swore at some point during my teens that a hypocrite was the last thing I was going to be, too. :/
     
  14. Epipleptic

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    I found out during a regrettable experience last week that the only thing standing in my way is myself. I knew that already, but I thought I had already beaten him. I try to take a long view and view each victory or defeat as one battle in a war.

    I've had those exact same feelings, too. I'm trying to remember that we are people and we are social creatures. For me this being happy for myself was masked as independence. It was also a symptom of denial for me. As some who is trying to get out there and meet LGBT people, I'm very dependent on my LGBT group's occasional meetings. It's my chance to be myself and be happy. I know I'd never be as happy on my own and that this happiness come with the wonderful vulnerability of sharing yourself with other people.