Not sure why I'm making this exactly. Not really looking for advice, just trying to get out some emotion I guess. I've been in a good mood lately. I set a goal after my therapy last week to open up and be more out to people about my sexuality/gender stuff with people, and I was doing pretty good about it. I basically came out to three people in three days. One of them was someone who already knew but we had a good talk about it. Another person knew I had a boy friend but I came about my trans stuff. The third was someone at work, and I've never been out to someone I work with before. Then today I got dumped. There was no fighting, it was very civil, and honestly a break would have been a good idea. I can't accept the idea of never getting back together. I've been with this guy for almost two years. He still wants to be friends, which is good in a way, but its hard to picture me not being able to lie with him... to kiss him.. and well to be intimate. Its just what I"m used to with him. I guess I don't know how to be single and be... well whatever I am. I kind of want to try being with a girl because I never have, and really he was the only person I ever went to gay bars and stuff with. I don't even know what to look for in a partner. Not even gender. It sounds stupid but after 2 years of being with a guy I still haven't decided if that's right for me. And the gender stuff makes things even more confusing. Anyway, I need to go. Heading out with friends and my ride is here. Just feeling pretty lost I guess =/
I know the feeling - breaking up after a long time like that is always disorienting. Sorry to hear it. (*hug*) I felt the same way when my ex and I split 3 years ago. But hey - being more open with people is a great step! And it will serve you well now, especially. Be proud of yourself, it's a big deal.
hey I'm having gender issues, and knowing that makes sexual orientation boggling. i am sure i like sex with girls, not having gone that far, because i have thoughts and fantasies since a kid. Since I came out to a few people I seem to get turned on by certain types of women, as they sit or walk by, new to me to recognize it is not just nothing its a real something. but...I don't know about men. Although it had appeared I was very straight, I do have a bit of fun with man on man porn, and a man I have liked (and pretty sure has some feelings for me) is gay, and I like the appearance of some male bodies too. :/ What the heck. How to figure out what was programmed in us by our families and what is our nature?
being open is really great congrats but breaking up with some one who you have been for along time is hard, I'm sorry to hear that (*hug*) give yourself some time and space every thing will be alright (*hug*)
It is quite confusing. I know I enjoy having sex with me and being held and cuddling with them, but I don't often feel a real attraction to men. The exception being if I'm watching porn or something. I always hear gay guys and girls say stuff like "look at that cute guy" and I just look and think, "oh yeah he is I guess. I didn't notice." Girls on the other hand are a whole different story. I certainly feel something, but it feels like just pure jealousy. In addition to that I don't feel like I could be happy being sexual with a woman, because it would just reinforce my masculinity. Still I would like to try at least once =/ Stuff's confusing.
Just got home from a bar with friends lying in bed and updating this thread because I'm feeling really down at the moment. All my straight friends were on the prowl trying to hook up with chicks and I just kind of felt like I was stuck sitting there lacking any real meaning in life. I don't know what I want or who I want to be. I don't know if I should be trying to be like them and try to hook up with chicks, or be a chick myself or try to find a guy and embrace being a male gay guy. Everything is so confusing and I feel so depressed. At least I had someone before. Now I just feel like I'm pestering the few people I openly discuss this stuff with to fill the void I feel. And most of the people in my life have no idea the recent blow I've been dealt. I just want to be me and I don't even know who I am. If there is a god I feel angry at him for not answering me and putting me in this shitty situation. I feel utterly and completely lost. And a week still seems so far away to talk to my therapist. tl:dr: idk how to be single, idk how to be me, i don't even feel human anymore. Excuse any typos and prophanity. Its late, I'm on a 3ds, and nit in a good place at the moment...
If there is a God, and I think there is cuz the universe is so complex and beautiful, then He understands and I don't know why we are made this way, but He does, so must have some purpose. I ended my day with a strange thing....a girl I have known a while was flirting with me on fb in PM, and I may get to see her this afternoon. I posted about it on a thread last night and more this morning. so, I am going to try to tread carefully and not scare her away if I am reading it wrong, but saying things like oh it kinda is a date, and if you play hockey i would love to watch you, and doing a typo saying FUNKING?? Im sorry but anybody could read into that. So fingers crossed she may like me a little in more than just friends way. (her brother once strangely said he would have no problem if i dated her) If she DOES show interest, I got me a new problem, how to show a girl a good time on a first date. I have never dated or kissed or anything as well...I am a guy, and i just could never do that with a guy who wanted me, it seemed too GAY! Jsnow, you can always message me. I don't mind being pestered one bit! And I'm trying to not worry what others think and be more me not an actor anymore. Darn this is hard stuff to untrain huh? and you are VERY human. a puppy would just rub himself on the carpet!
Just another random update with what's going on with me since the breakup. I think I'm starting to get better at opening up to people about my trans stuff. I really opened up to a friend of mine today. She knew already, but I showed her some pictures of me in makeup from a while ago and talked a lot about how my relationship was. Plus, I kind of hinted at male friend of mine (I said something about hating feeling like I'm the complete opposite of how I want to be, but when he tried to ask what that meant I kind of just changed subjects). I feel like I'm getting better about getting over my ex (it feels weird to have an ex, this is all new to me) but I still find myself trying to text him lying in bed and all that. I want to maintain a friendship with him to some extent. I just feel like the people I am open with I keep being a debby downer to and just going on and on about my problems, and then I feel bad about it afterwards =/
