I'm not sure if anyone remembers this thread http://emptyclosets.com/forum/support-advice/43890-i-messed-up-big-time-straight-friend.html but jist of the story is I got involved with a straight friend, I messed up freaked out on him when he cut me off and generally fucked up big time. Since it all happened I've found it impossible to move on. I feel like every day I remember what happened and wish I would have done anything differently. Anyways I wrote a letter that I'm thinking of sending to him, maybe over facebook as i don't know exactly how to contact him wherever he is stationed now. I was talking to a friend the other day and she made it real for me how much i was not over it all, and really how I was still in love with the guy so I wrote this in hopes it might help me. I'm not sure if I should send it yet though… Idk I guess I feel like sharing it might make this all a little more complete for me. Anyways here it is… Dear Dan, No words can describe how sorry I am. How much I fucked up and how I tore apart what could have been salvageable out of fear and spite. I think every day about how much I wish I had done something, anything differently. Every day I remember how big of a mistake I made and regret my actions and decisions wondering how it could have been if I had taken the time to give you your space, or controlled myself. I wonder how differently it could have been had I come to you as a friend and attempted to sit down and talk one more time rather than losing my cool. I feel regret every time I mention what happened, how I lied when you asked if I was in love and if I thought it would all work out, “that we would go off into the sunset”. I answered no and tore into you in whatever way I thought would hurt you and protect myself but in reality you saw through me like a pane of glass. All I really wanted to say was yes… that I love you, that I cared about you, that I thought about you every day, and how all I wanted to do was see you again every day after that night. All I wanted was to wake up the next morning and have everything be perfect. That morning part of me thought it all working out would be impossible and I guess from that moment I began ensuring that it would all fall apart. Leaving that morning at 4am I felt like I was losing my mind, I felt like I had ruined everything especially our friendship. Like I had damaged you, scarred your image of yourself. Like I’d taken the picture perfect illusion in my head and shattered it against the ground like a child breaking his dreams against the concrete that is reality. But I guess that’s all in the past now… or at least it should be. After you left I tried to cut that part out of my life, to move on and accept it as a mistake. Like you said, I’d take it like a roll of film and just clip that section out and throw it away. I tried to meet some people, even got a boyfriend, but it all seemed off. We got in a fight one night after I told him what had happened back then and he asked me if I loved him, or if I was still in love with you… I couldn’t answer him. I guess I knew the truth was that I am still not over it all, over you. It is probably silly of me to hold onto hope. But I still often sit and wonder where you are, what you’re doing, if you’re ok. I hope that whatever happened did as little damage as possible. I imagine one-day you will come back and maybe we will speak again, maybe even see each other. I’ll sit and dream of a world where things between us can be ok, maybe better than ok. I guess I will never know how much me acting the way I did could have hurt you, and I understand if you never respond, or never forgive me. But I hope you do, and that you forgive yourself I guess. I’m sure you have your own issues with yourself revolving around what happened. I could tell when you stood there and looking in the mirror at us. I hope you can understand how much I was drowning then. I had no idea how to handle that situation, how to react. Only in my dreams did the possibility of that night even exist and I made it a habit to push it out of my mind; at least until it happened. It was like a fantasy land opened its door then closed and locked itself tight with a padlock. There was no way of me getting more than a glimpse and it hurt, and because of that I decided to hit back and it was not acceptable. I guess this letter is as much for me as it is for you, for closure I hope. In my ideal world known as my own head you respond back, maybe we start talking again, but if you don’t I understand. I just thought you should know how sorry I am, I didn’t feel like I communicated it properly last time. How every day something reminds me about how much I messed up, how much I miss you, care about you, and how much I wished it all had gone differently; an idea I clearly cant reiterate enough. No words can properly describe what it has been like but I hope this letter communicates something worthwhile, and does something for either of us that could be beneficial. I don’t mean this to be a reminder, a spiteful blow, or anything of the sort. I don’t want you to think of me as some sort of cancerous memory and it kills me that I know you might. I just hope that your ok out there wherever you are, that things are going well. And I guess I wanted you to know I really did love and care about you, and I still do, and probably always will. Sincerely, A Thanks for reading
uh, I wouldn't send that, seriously, maybe just try starting a conversation with him, like hey its been a while... blah blah blah, go from there, but if he doesn't respond not much you can do, its been a long time and you might have to find a way to accept that he'll never come out, and might never talk to you again, time heals all wounds, but you have to be open to moving on.
I agree with this. Bringing it all up doesn't help the intended healing process. Also, nice to see you again.
the only thing im looking to do with it is give myself some sort of closure, we where really good friends and the whole situation was like a year long struggle. I don't expect him to come out if he is gay, or contact me or anything else. I just sort of want to tell the truth and apologize.
I actually completely think you should send it. Definitely, a lie you told that you didn't love someone shouldn't be allowed to stand. And the apology is a good idea too. So, yes. Send it.
(I wasn't familiar with the original thread, but at least skimmed through it to get an idea of the situation, so here goes.) Whether you send it or not, I think you hit it on the head with the above. The situation is obviously still affecting you if you felt the need to write this, and doing so might be really healthy for you. The next step, I think, is deciding whether you can reap some benefit from yourself just by having written it, or whether you need to actually send something to him (either this or something else; you might think about writing more letters to him first) to obtain some sort of closure. Keep in mind - it's been a year for him too, and while he may still be obsessing over this, he may have repressed it like everything else. Bringing it up could be traumatic for him, or at the very least, he could be just as unwilling to deal with it now as before, if not more so. It sounds like you do a lot of apologizing in here. If you are still carrying feelings for him, do you think they could come from guilt, rather than genuine affection? Just some thoughts - hope they prove helpful.
it is mixes of both but a lot of it is genuine affection which is why realizing how i acted is so much more difficult for me to face up to.
