Trying to get on with life after loss

It's been about three months since I last posted anything on EC about the more serious things going on in my life, mostly because I've been struggling with processing it all. So, the following will probably be a bit rambling, maybe long, but here it goes:

To recap the last year of my life, June 1st of last year I came out for the first time and since then I've told most of my family and friends. I've had no negative reactions in coming out so far. I started to feel confidence I never knew I had and felt optimistic overall. I was still struggling with feelings towards certain people I knew (anger towards my dad, heartache from my year-long crush on a friend), but I thought that things would resolve themselves and my life would continue to improve. Then, in late January my mom was hospitalized with cancer. During this time I was also working towards finishing my thesis for my Master's degree. In late April my mom passed away and two weeks after that I somehow managed to successfully pass my thesis defense.

During the last few months I buried myself in work and felt overall numbness while my mom was dying. But, the grief came in waves and the last time I ranted about my problems on EC I was feeling borderline suicidal. I had some hope infused in me for a while (see below) that got me out of the worst part of the depression that enabled me to continue on with the thesis while my mom was in and out of the hospital and then in the hospice. Following my mom's death and the semester ending, I was able to deal with more of my feelings regarding that loss, partially by my dad and I scattering her ashes in some of her favorite places out in the forest. Recently my best friend suggested that I "talk with my mom" where we scattered the ashes, which was something I had not done since she died. Mostly, this was because the last time I talked with her was when my dad put the phone up to her ear on her deathbed so she could hear me tell her I loved her one last time, and that she could let go. She passed away a couple hours after that phone call. In the few weeks before her death I had opted to stay at college preparing for the defense rather than see her wither away once she was in the hospice. I didn't want that to be my last image of her. The day before she died, I went for a short hike and being out in nature comforted me, since she was the one that really gave me a love for being out in nature. That feeling has stayed with me since then and has been my way of remembering her and coping with her passing.

With how everything played out over the last few months, things did happen that never would have occurred otherwise. While my mom was in the hospital some of my dad's old friends from work put us up in their homes for that period, including a lesbian couple that I was able to get advice from. The other family friends also provided a lot of support and I had some really meaningful, deep conversations with them. Also, I have become much closer to my dad than ever before and I've finally forgiven him for the homophobic things he said when I was in the closet. It's hard to reconcile these positive occurrences coming out of such a fucked up situation though. It certainly made me realize how thankful I was to have come out to my mom and that she got to know the real me while she was still alive.

Back when I was feeling the worst of the depression this spring, the thing that gave me some temporary hope was seeing my crush again after two months apart (and me trying to get over him). After bumping into him one day at college, he started to actively hang around and contact me, seeming like he might be coming to terms with his own struggle (he's "straight" with a girlfriend, but myself and a few mutual friends are convinced he's closeted and he seems to like me). However, flash forward to the past couple of weeks where it seems like he's retreating back deeper into denial after our mutual, bisexual friend came out to him and mentioned about his boyfriend. Based on how distant he is seeming and how much in denial he is, I've determined that I need to finally let go of the crush ideal in my mind in order to move on. It seems like he's probably one of those cases where you can love someone, but they're not really right for you or would never work. Overall his actions as a friend over the last year have been inconsistent and I don't feel convinced that he could be there for me as anything more even if he was out. If things happen for a reason, then maybe the purpose of him being in my life was to be one of the things that helped me come out and to give me hope at my darkest moment, but nothing else is meant to happen between us. The last few days in trying to let go of him as a possibility, I've actually felt some relief since I'm not spending every waking moment consumed by the heartache I've felt for him for the last year and a half.

So, I'm trying to move on with my personal life and find new prospects. In this effort, I'm going to attend my town's pride festival (my first pride event) this weekend with some friends and hopefully meet some new people, maybe someone that might eventually end up being my first boyfriend if I'm lucky. I also am in the beginning processes of looking for a permanent job after getting my Master's degree, in amongst doing some part time jobs this summer. I'll never be the same as a result of everything that's happened in this last year, but I'm hoping eventually the pain I feel over the loss of my mom and letting go of my unrequited love for my friend will subside enough where I can feel happiness in pursuing the personal life I've always dreamed of. Despite how fucked up I still feel, at least these last few days of trying to let go of some of my baggage have made me feel a little optimism that maybe something will work out in the future for me.

One of the things my mom asked me in the hospital when she was in and out of conscious thought, was "do you like to live in the moment?". I hope I can.