First, I'm not seeking advice about why I should come out and how it would make my life easier. It wouldn't, and it's not something I ever plan on doing. So I met my guy about 6 months ago. We talked for 2 weeks before we met and we fell for each other very quickly. We were both looking for sex, perhaps regularly, but not a relationship. We ended up falling in love with each other and he drives about 2 hrs each weekend to see me. Hes 6 years younger than me and has a newborn baby with his ex. These last 2 months I started to get the feeling that he wasn't always honest with me about everything. I don't think he's fucking with anyone else but I feel like he lies to me about stupid shit because he's afraid it will make me look at him differently. My guy told me he started using twitter so I googled his name so I could add him and a local news article came up that he was arrested last month for something pretty stupid. I called him and told him what I read and told him that finding out that way makes it hard for me to trust him. I told him how it made me feel and that I didn't sign up for a relationshp where trust was an issue. I told him that if I felt like I had to constantly worry about things that I'd just dead this whole situation b/c it wouldn't be worth it. I also told him that it made me question his motives for wanting to move here with me...He was pretty quiet on the phone but sent the following text messages... Him: I dont deserve you and I'm really sory for everything. like I said before I'm sorry for ever coming into your life I even said it in the beginning I should've never let you or myself catch feelings. I don't want to put a stall on your life and how good your doing and more than you can have and do like start a family. you don't even know the feeling i have right now. i really love you so much but i realized i'm nobody for you. I have nothing to offer you and what we have isn't good for you. u dont have to text back [name] but i swear on my son i love you soooo much and i cant even keep a straight face at work while im writing this. im really sorry for the time you've wasted on me. i love you soo much and thank you for everything. no matter what you're going to be a special person in my life and im always gonna remember you. i would love to stay with you but i know its not what you really want. Like you said on the phone its not even worth it and i'm not worth it ur way better and deserve better. I dont even make you happy and cant even get your trust. Im so sorry for everthing [name] im so in love with you and im always gonna love you. you changed me and my life a lot. And I know you dont trust me and i dont expect u to thats why i said u dont have to text back b/c u probably think everything is/was a lie. Me: i just wish you told me cause its not even that serious. i guess i thought we were closer than we actually are. that hurts but its life i guess n thats how things go sometimes. Him : I'm nothing [name] I'm not ever going anywhere in life and I'm no good for anybody. All I do is hurt every single person I ever been with. I've been depressed for a while now and I really wish I could just leave and start over in a new place and not have anybody know about me or anything and now I feel llike I lost you and it really hurts. I haven't felt like this ina long time. Honestly, I kept things from you but as much as I did I felt like youre all I had/have and felt closetst to you. I know I'm making it more seriosu than it is but I'm just disgusted in myself and I don't want to keep bringing people down. I hate my life soo much. I don't have the worst life but I wish it was completely different and I have a lot of problems. I don't even know how to talk to anyone I feel like I have nobody and I'm always so stressed and depressed. Its harder trying to cover everything up everyday I really hate everything. Him : I'm not looking for sympathy at all cuz if i was i would've tried a long time ago but u know how many times i get these feelings and i just feel like taking a whole bunch of pills and going to sleep. thats why i had to force myself to stop with the pills bc i was scaring myself. I was getting worst and worst everyday. You don't know b/c i would'nt tell you but I've tried doing stupid shit and I hate this feeling that I have tonight b/c its the same feelings i would have before and I haven't felt like this in about a month. I have a lot of problems [name] i never told this to anyone and i feel so fucking stpuid and like a pathetic loser. Him: i just feel like i can trust u 100% even though u cant trust me and thats why im telling you this. please dont look at me differently. Him: You mean so much to me and its only been a few months but idk theres something about you that makes me feel comfortable and happy. when im with you i forget about everything. i dont want to keep your life at a still though. I want you to have a family like u want and get married. : ( it hurts so much saying all this but i know its whats right. just bc my life is nothing i dont want to have you slow down on ur future. im sorry i did this i cant believe how i fell for something like this. I said i would never do this and now idk what im going to do when its gone... He called me hysterically crying right after he sent that text. I told him that I still want to be with him, and calmed him down b/c he was at work. I realize that I should've waited until he was off of work to bring this up to him. We spoke later at night and he was crying the whole time... Idk why I'm even writing this. I guess this is just a little overwhelming. On the surface my guy has the perfect life. He has every material item he could want, a nicer car than most ppl I know, he has a decent job and money is never an issue. He's really good looking but he has some self esteem issues. I love this kid so much but I'm not sure if I'm capable of dealing with this. I feel like it would be so much easier to just cut myself off completely from this situation, but I really love him and don't want to turn my back on him. For the most part, our relationship is actually pretty good. We really get along and despite what he says, he does make me happy. The pill thing is really scary to me and I guess I just don't know what to do. Also, this is someone unrelated, but a few weeks ago I found his fathers facebook and I saw that he listed his orientation as bisexual. I can see how he'd think this is embarassing so I never said anything to him about it. I know that his pops spent a lot of time in and out of jail (currently in) and I can tell he's very uncomfortable talking about his dad so I just leave it alone. i just want him to be able to open up to me about these things. Again, I'm not looking for reasons on why I should come out and how it would make things easier b/c its just not something that can't happen, for either of us. This is just the reality of the situation.
Has he ever had counselling? It sounds like he needs it. Depression can have a pretty devastating effect on people. They appear to have it all, and maybe do have it all, yet their mind is telling them that they're not good enough, and obsesses on the negative. (Been there, done that.) So he could really benefit from sound counselling. If I were you I'd recommend that, and encourage him and support him to feel better about himself. In the mean time, you are justified in having your own concerns about carrying on in the relationship. But you probably have a pretty good idea now about what you're getting into; father in prison, he's been arrested for something, has a child with someone at 22, mental health issues. On the surface, that's a pretty significant list of 'cons'. But I'm sure there are also a lot of 'pros' that you have to consider. Is this the first 'same sex' relationship for both of you? I can't remember if you've said that before. Because the fact is that a lot of us (me included) fall hard for the first guy we allow ourselves to be emotionally involved with. It isn't necessarily the person but the experience that makes it so powerful. We're experiencing these emotions for the first time and it can be pretty overwhelming. I fell hard for a guy who was much younger than me, had all kinds of issues, couldn't hold a job, etc. But the 'rush' I got when we started dating was amazing. Thankfully I came to realize that he wasn't for me and I moved on. And my husband it 1000 times more put together - my age, also has kids, well educated, professional career, great sense of humour, etc. All things to consider.
