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I made a list

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Catkin, Jun 13, 2012.

  1. Catkin

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    So, um, I'm mainly just writiting this so that it's actually written down somewhere (somewhere where I can't just rip it up and toss it in the bin).I'm still not entirely sure I want to post this though.

    A wee while ago I'd read somewhere on EC that if you're not sure then a good thing to do is just to write down EVERYTHING you've ever felt for boys and girls. I'm not sure why but I'd kinda been putting off trying that idea. I gave it a go last night. And now I've ended up with a piece of paper covered in swear words, and with about twice as much in the girls column.
    Last night while writing that, my thoughts were somewhere along the lines of "Oh :***: I might actually really like girls:tantrum:." Maybe I don't though. None of the stuff on that piece of paper feels real today. It just seems like a bunch of meaningless scribbles. And there was some stuff in the boys column. The idea that I might like girls seems seriously unlikely. And unbelievable. I mean, if that were the case, then why didn't I have crushes on girls before I got to college? And why on earth would I have masturbated to gay male porn but never to lesbian? Or had a crush on that boy in secondary school? I probably just exaggerated everything in the girl's section, and that's why it reads so lop-sided.
    Having that piece of paper lying about in my room is kinda unnerving me. I really can't see it having a long life. And part of me feels like crying for some reason but I can't. Breaking something would work too.
    And it's stupid to be this upset, because this shit can't really be true.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------
    While I was writing this post my mum called me. And apparently my inability to cry doesn't apply to her. There is something about talking to my mum when something is bothering me that usually makes me spill my guts and cry. And I couldn't cry this time because then she'd ask me why.
     
  2. rg93

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    The easiest way for me was trying to imagine being happier with a girl or a boy. Try asking yourself these questions. With whom could you imagine sharing your life with and wake up next to every morning?

    Try writing down the story of one of your basic days that you would have with him/her in a maybe not too distant future.
     
    #2 rg93, Jun 13, 2012
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2012
  3. eveninghush

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    Personally I think about who I've had the strongest feelings for, and guys almost always come out on tops. I've never been with a guy though so I'm still not 100% sure. However, the reason I came on to this forum was because a month or so ago I hugged my friend who I like (yes in that way) and I just felt this electricity or fireworks or whatever you want to call it. Sounds corny but it's true. It's hard to give advice on something like this. I've always known deep down I like guys, but I'm still working through my denial. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. rg93's advice is spot on in my opinion
     
  4. Ryukotsu

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    This is it exactly, when I started questioning I pictured myself being married to a woman, having kids etc, and what I ended up with was a creepy Norman Rockwell style fantasy that just wasn't right in the least, nothing about it appealed to me.

    When I thought of a guy however..
     
  5. rainbowfox

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    there can be many reasons for that, but you are the only one who can tell which one is right :slight_smile: maybe you should try that again, maybe you are Trans and gay (cause you mentioned "gay male porn" and "crush on that boy in secondary school") there maybe be other responses too.
    for me it was really clear I never had sexual attraction toward girls, but guys were always attractive :slight_smile: and feeling and memories like that :slight_smile:
    Give yourself time and space :slight_smile: you don't have to find it out at the moment :slight_smile:

    are you out to any one? who can individually help you? is coming out to your mom an option? :slight_smile:
     
  6. Catkin

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    Thanks for the replies.
    I'll try the idea about writing down imaginary relationships. I find it a bit difficult to actually picture myself in a relationship though (seeing as I have absolutely zero experience to go on). The closest I've got to this before is trying to imagine myself kissing and cuddling up with both sexes. I can imagine kissing a girl but it just feels a bit harder to imagine kissing a boy. Sort of like the shape of the face is wrong - but I can do it. If I imagine cuddling up to someone then my imaginary boys are much more likely to remain rigid cardboard cut-outs, while the girls tend to actually cuddle up to me. That probably sounded really weird. Maybe I can only imagine girls because I don't have any experience with a guy, and at least with girls my own body gives me a starting point?



    I'm not exactly the most girly girl in the world, but I really don't think I'm trans. Those two things were practically the only things I could come up for on the boys list. The girls list was kinda full in comparison. I think the thing that freaked me out so much about writing that list was it was sort of visual evidence that attraction to boys seems to be the exception rather than the rule for me for the past 3 years. And I hadn't realised how one sided that list was going to be at all. I think there might also be a fairly huge gap between what I'm feeling (subconsciously), what I'm can admit to myself and what I can actually write here. The idea that I might like girls has sort of been banging around in the back of my head for years, but it was mainly ignored. For some reason in the last 6 months that thought has ended up in centre stage, and it is really scaring me. Because the idea that I might like girls is absolutely :***: terrifying.

    I'm not out to anyone. I wouldn't want to come out to my mum unless I was absolutely sure. That just feels way too final. I'm at the tail end of an exchange year now, but when I go home I do have a friend who I could maybe tell. That idea really scares me too though.
     
  7. Pinstripe

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    I kept telling myself the same thing- that I'd had crushes on boys and not girls, so I must be straight. But looking back, I noticed a lot of strong, protective friendships with girls. They weren't "crushes" because I didn't allow myself to call them that, even in my mind. I didn't consider that as an option for myself. That's what being in denial is all about.

    I actually have theories as to why so many girls enjoy gay porn. I think a lot of them like the detachment of it- because there's no women, you're not forced to picture yourself in the scene. You can just sit back and enjoy the sexy. I know if I'm watching a scene with a woman, I can get preoccupied with whether or not I'd enjoy what's going on if I was involved in it, etc. Also, in gay porn, you don't have to deal with gender conflict issues. One thing that puts me off about straight porn is that I don't always appreciate seeing women dominated by men.

    Well, now that I've talked entirely too much about porn, my final thought on the matter is this: people's tastes in porn don't always reflect what they want in real life.
     
  8. rainbowfox

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    about this ^, again i should say don't rush, check your friend idea about LGBT by some news or films about LGBT area :slight_smile: then decide what to do :slight_smile: