1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Afraid of coming out to my family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by YadUSA, Jun 13, 2012.

  1. YadUSA

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi, I'm 18 years old and a year ago I accepted myself and recognized that I'm gay. I really want to come out to my family but I'm so scared, I don't even know why I haven't told them yet. My family is not religious at all, so religion is not a problem, even though they're not religious they think that being gay is a choice, which IMO is ridiculous :icon_sad: it's like saying that they chose to be straight.

    A year ago I met a guy at my school, and I started "dating" him, we "dated" for a couple of months and my family started suspecting, I spent so much time talking on the phone and texting. One day my mom and my older sister started asking me a lot of questions, they asked me what was going on between the 2 of us. I ended up lying and they never asked me again. A whole year passed, I started college and in my second semester I met a guy, I added him on facebook and as soon as he accepted my friend request he wrote on my facebook wall. My sister saw the wallpost and told my mom. Later that night I was already on my bed trying to sleep when my mom comes into my room and tells me that we needed to talk. I was so nervous because I knew where this was going. I had the chance to tell her that I'm gay that night and I didn't tell her because I was afraid. She told me that my sister saw something "weird" on my facebook wall, and that they were afraid that some boys could made me think that I was gay. She even offered me to go to a psychologist if I was confused. I told her that I didn't need a psychologist becuase there's nothing wrong with me. She then proceeded to tell me that no matter what my sexual orientation was, that she loved me, and that was not going to change. She looked disappointed, I never confirmed her doubts and I feel terrible. I wonder if they know that I'm gay and they're just waiting for me to tell them. I have never had a girlfriend, I never talk about girls EVER. Whenever they asked me about girls I tried to change the conversation because I felt so uncomfortable. I don't know why I'm posting this here, but I would like some advice, I feel so sad thinking that years pass, almost everyone I know gets a boyfriend/girlfriend and I feel so lonely. I'm not ugly, but I just feel so stuck, it feels like I can't do anything.

    If I made some mistakes while writting this, excuse me, my english is not the best.
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Hi there and welcome to EC.

    Your mom likely knows - and her expression might have been more to do with her worry for you than disappointed. You're obviously upset over all this, and it likely shows. Parents want their kids to be safe and happy, and she might see this issue as a threat to your saftety and your happiness.

    The fact is that you should come out to people when you're ready. And typically that means you think you'll feel better being out than not being out. Getting to the root of what it might be that's holding you back would be helpful.

    Otherwise, just give yourself time and allow yourself to work through this at your own pace. Hang out here, because this site is a great outlet for you to share your fears and your concerns. Lots of people have walked this path before you and we have all come through is relatively unscathed. Good luck, and again, welcome!!
     
  3. dc101

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2012
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Welcome to the site and I have to say that I was in exactly the same position as yourself. I'm 26 now and still in the closet and only just starting to accept myself. So well done that you've done that by the age of 18. I'm currently working on coming out to my parents and a part of me thinks they already know because I've never had a girlfriend and never talked about girls.

    My mum often brings up the subject of finding a girlfriend and I always change the topic or say that I'm waiting for the right girl. I haven't come out to my parents yet so I can't give advice on that but whatever you choose to do I wish you all the best and remember you're not alone in coming out.
     
  4. Cloudbreaker

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2012
    Messages:
    130
    Likes Received:
    0
    If after you tell them you need a way to get them to understand that this isn't a choice, what I found to be helpful was pointing out just how illogical of a choice it would be to choose to be gay. It is utterly illogical to choose the path in life where you can't love the one you want without strangers hating you for it. It is illogical to choose the path where you don't have have all the same rights in many parts of the world, or in some places it is even illegal to be who you are. It is illogical to choose the path where having a family and children of your own is strewn with so many obstacles. And it is even illogical for the simple fact that the dating pool is much smaller and more complicated than if you "chose" to be straight.

    Why would anyone "choose" the hard path?

    Of course you and I know it isn't a choice, so it does us no good to worry about the things listed above (sorry if I brought your mood down). But if your parents are made aware of everything you are "choosing" and know that you are also aware of it, then I feel it would be difficult for anyone to go on continuing to claim that being gay is a choice.
     
  5. YadUSA

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thanks for your comments, you're right, my mom is worried about my safety, she obviously doesn't want me to have a hard life. She knows how much hate and discrimination the LGBT community faces and she doesn't want me to go through all of that.

    I forgot something while I was writting, she told me something like this: "You do know how much hate and discrimination gay people go through right?, they suffer a lot and if you have a different sexual orientation please let me know, there's a lot of hate crimes and I don't want anything bad happen to you"

    I haven't told them because I feel like I'm letting them down, but it's not my fault, I remember being 7 years old and thinking that guys were attractive.. it's not something that I chose. I know they want the best for me, to have a "normal" straight life.. meeting a girl, getting married in the future, have a family etc.. :-/
     
  6. Ianthe

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2011
    Messages:
    2,760
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Oregon
    I absolutely think she knows, based on that. And the disappointment is because you felt you couldn't be honest with her, not because you are gay.

    I think you are clearly safe to come out to her.

    "I love you no matter what your sexual orientation is, and that will never change," is so clearly the right thing to say that I strongly suspect she has gotten advice from somewhere, meaning she suspects strongly enough to have sought out that kind of advice.

    I wonder what her plan of action was if you said yes. Does she intend to send you, or move with you, to somewhere that hate crimes are less prevalent?
     
  7. Lewis

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2012
    Messages:
    1,477
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    United Kingdom
    I'm in the same boat (or closet). There's no reason at all for me to not come out other than pure fear, my parents are both really open-minded. I don't know how I'll tell them, I don't know how they'll react, it's all just too complicated.

    I think your mum probably knows (my mum probably does too), but she won't say anything because she'll be as scared as you. I mean she wouldn't want to risk it in case you were in fact straight or still denying your sexuality. If your family are suspected, I think you should go for it and tell them.

    I wish you all the best and good luck! :slight_smile:
     
  8. YadUSA

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I don't know.. who knows what might of happened if I told her that I'm gay, I don't think we would move somewhere else just because they found out about my sexual orientation. I love who I am, I have accepted who I am, I feel comfortable, I'm just having a hard time thinking what would they think of me if I told them that I'm gay.. who knows, maybe they know but they're just waiting for me to tell them.. or not? I just hope that some day I get the courage to tell them the truth. It kills me a little inside you know.. hiding something so simple and normal yet I have to hide it because I'm afraid of what others might think of me.

    ---------- Post added 13th Jun 2012 at 02:18 PM ----------

    It feels great to know that there are so many people out there who are on the same boat or closet lol, I really don't know what's keeping me from telling them, my parents are also very open-minded.. :confused:
     
  9. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    Remember that people often take their cue from you.

    If you tell them with all kinds of dread and fear and worry, they'll be right there with you. But if you can tell them with hope and optimism and confidence then they'll be more inclined to get on that 'band wagon' with you.

    Being gay isn't a curse. It isn't horrible. Sure, we go through some rough times - but a lot of people go through rough times for a lot of reasons. At the same time, life is full of blessings that we need to be thankful for.

    I'm gay, and got to where I am in a pretty messed up way. But I have a great education and professional designation, two beautiful daughters, a wonderful husband, great friends and family, a successful career, a comfortable home, a sweet ride (see my avatar!), good health, and a host of other things going for me. And I'm gay. It hasn't precluded me from attaining or maintaining any of these other things! Granted, I live in a great part of the world for gay people, but not the only great spot for gay people.

    So if you can be positive about this, your parents can be as well. It just might take them a bit of time to adjust to the idea. You've been contemplating this for years. They haven't been.

    And remember, the only person's happiness that you're responsible for is your own. Not your mom's or your dad's. They are responsible for their own happiness. If they were pinning all their hopes and dreams on you marrying a woman and having children with her, they need to re-examine their own lives. The fact is, they're not. It might just look that way from your perspective.
     
  10. YadUSA

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thank you very much for replying, I feel much better reading all your comments. Hopefully, one day, soon.. I will tell them, I just want to be able to live my life happy without having to hide something so important. It makes me feel sad when I see gay people out of the closet living their lives to the fullest, I feel sad because time keeps passing and I keep hiding the fact that I'm gay. But thank you, I'm glad that I found this forum where I can express myself and get advice from other people who've been in the same situation.
     
  11. YadUSA

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Oh my God, in the past 3 months a lot of things have happened, I have 2 sisters, my younger sister came out to me (I didn't now she was a lesbian) she was being bullied at school and she told me, she also told my mom and my sister. After my little sister talked with my mom and sister, she told me that they were waiting for me to tell them, because they already knew, she told me that they loved us no matter what and that nothing was going to change. She said that it was normal. I already talked with my sister, I haven't talked with my mom yet, but she already knows and is ok with it, I feel so much better and relieved :grin:
     
  12. YadUSA

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I just talked with my mom right now, and she seemed supportive, she told me that she felt angry because I didn't tell her before, she said that I should've told her a long time ago, that I shouldn't hide something so important. She said that she loves me and that she's just afraid that society rejects me and treats me wrongly, she said that there's a lot of ignorance and I should be careful who I talk to.

    I OFICIALLY CAME OUT TO MY MOM :grin:
     
  13. Lance

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 26, 2012
    Messages:
    506
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    Michigan, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Congrats! I'm glad things are looking up for you. No more hiding now. :wink:
     
  14. YadUSA

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
  15. DMark69

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2012
    Messages:
    535
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cheyenne WY
    When you are ready to tell them you will know it. It will still not be easy, but it will feel so much better once you do. The first family member I came out to was my younger brother. We were both adults, and I was visiting home for Christmas. I asked him to go for a walk with me and my dog. Even though I knew I was ready, it took 4 laps around my family's 7 acre property before I worked up the nerve to say it. It did feel so much better afterward. My whole family now knows, and even all of Facebook as of yesterday, and it has been great so far.

    Just know that if you don't think you are ready it is OK to wait, and it sounds like your family will be accepting of you when you finally decide to tell them.
     
  16. YadUSA

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2012
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I already did :grin: