I've been doing a lot of soul searching and just going with my feelings. I've come to the conclusion that I'm horribly confused. 1st off I like guys, I think they are cute and attractive, I get butterflies around them, if I'm really attracted to one ill feel like ripping his clothes off and have to literally hold myself back from touching them. I'm really self conscious around them and wonder if they think I'm attractive. I love sex with a man for the intimacy mostly, but again they're just hot and there's so many other factors then physical appearance thant makes them so. I can't handle a close emotional relationship with one though (I feel like I'm suffocating and they like me more then I like them). I don't really have a type of guy, as long as he can make me laugh has confidence and there's a spark there, I'm good. But with all men, feelings just don't last, as the initial spark runs out, the sex runs dry as well. Then its time to move onto the next guy. Women: I love women, I love being around them, they are amazing to talk to and relate to. When I'm close with one I get kind of clingy but I just love the connection. Emotionally, I'm all there, I love locking arms with my girls and being close to them. But I feel like I want more than they want to give. I could see myself living with a woman, holding hands, having intimate convos. I could probably spend my life with one, I think it would be easier to fall in love with a woman than a man. Sexually, I have never been with a woman, I imagine it to be a turn on, however not something I would really like that much, I'm excited when I read about lesbian death bed. I don't see it as a way to get closer to a woman but more of a getting off aspect. I don't have a type of woman, seems like any girl I connect and am really happy to be around works, there's no butterflies here. I'm also competitive with women, which is what always stopped me from a relationship, I am drawn to women I want to be like. But a relationship with a woman at this point seems more appealing than a man. Maybe if I just try it I can learn to like sex with women...
Hey from what you have written here I would say you are most likely bisexual, possibly straight but with some issues regarding commitment and long term relationships.
I'm just trying to immerse myself with lgbt stuff and go with the flow of my emotions. The real reason why I'm questioning is cause my relationships with men are so messed up. Esp my husband, I hate when men get clingy. I'm just really trying to find myself. I'm trying to imagine kissing this girl I thought I liked in highschool and I miss a lot now, but I just get this gagging feeling, even though I told myself its ok if you like it, I even told myself its cool and everyone is doing it, I just can't find the sex stuff really appealing. And when I stop thinking about this I go back to being "straight" staring at men at work lol (I work in a gym). I feel like moving to a lesbian community so I can remember I'm a lesbian lol. Its just so weird. Like ill be ok and every few months my mind will be like hey, remember this thought when you thought you were a lesbian, think about me, and I feel like I'm in a cloud. I'm so frustrated now and wanting to experiment so I can finally get rid of it and get an answer. And yea, ill admit, thinking about a relationship with a girl makes me happy, like in the way you see your best friend happy, I love spending time with women.
To be perfectly honest, I don't understand why you're jumping to the conclusion that you're a lesbian. It does not sound like you're a lesbian and in denial to me. At the very least, it seems like you're bisexual but mostly on the straight side. You said you genuinely feel attracted to men and from what you've written it seems like you find them more appealing than women. If you unconciously keep staring at hot guys and then stop yourself by telling yourself you're a lesbian, than that's probably an indication that you're not. Honestly, it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself you're gay because you don't want to deal with your fear of connecting with other men. What leads me to believe this is the fact that you said that kissing girls sounds gross, sex with them sounds unappealing, and more importantly, that it would be easier. It's easier for you to connect with other women so you want to be a lesbian even though it doesn't seem like you're attracted to them as much. Also I'm guessing it's a lot easier to deal with being a lesbian since working through all the emotions you have about men is probably painful and difficult to deal with (I'm just guessing here based on what you've written, so I could be very wrong and if I am, please say so!) If you want to experiment with a woman, then go ahead but I just don't think you should shut out men and say you're a lesbian because I don't think that's being true to yourself (at least based on what you've said). Also, if you're having difficulty with intimacy in general this will still show if you have a relationship with a woman. I think it's a lot more important to work out your feelings about intimacy first and foremost, especially since you're still married and pregnant (I think that's what you said in another post) I think your feelings towards men and women will become a lot clearer once you don't feel so afraid of intimacy. Also another thing that I noticed is that you seem to disconnect from people once they get close to you. I mean, maybe you're right and your husband is clingy but maybe it seems like he's clingy because you're afraid of getting too emotionally close to him? I don't know if this is true, I'm just theorizing, he could be clingy but it's just a thought for you to consider. I hope everything I said didn't sound offensive. I wasn't sure how else to word things. If I did, I apologize. I just thought you might be able to find it useful. Also, since I don't have all the background, maybe if you could write about your relationships with men, how you felt when with them, and why you broke up, that could help give me and some other ECer's some clarity in regards to your sexual orientation. But more importantly, it might give you some clarity! Anyways, I'm sorry you're having such a rough time with this but I hope you can find some peace with it soon(*hug*)
Yeah, I'm starting to believe that you're not gay, but perhaps bisexual...possibly even straight. I think a lot of women have a genuine admiration for women, which is quite common. You're not sexually attracted to them, so I think you're paranoid for no reason possibly HOCD. You'll have to google it; I thought I was suffering from this as well, but I'm romantically/emotionally/sexually attracted to women. I'm gay and have been since I was 6 years old, but I was too busy trying to conform to society's idea of what normal is...just enjoy life as it is now.
Thanks everyone for your input, I am having a really rough time. I feel like I'm repressing my feelings or something. I do have major intimacy issues with everyone. I just don't know anymore. I just always have this voice in my head that I'm a lesbian. Pinklo3y, I do have a diagnoses of of regular ocd, I've had other obsessions in the past, but nothing this strong. As there are "feelings" behind this one. Whenever, I'm emotionally close with a guy I get this nagging feeling in my stomach that this is wrong. I feel like I've never been sexually attracted to men...I know that's a lie though, as when I find other men attractive and can't stop thinking about sex I pray to God to take those feelings away cause I'm scared to cheat on my husband. Like I don't get turned on seeing a naked man, or thinking about a penis, but when I think of sex with them I do get turned on. I'm not really that big on touching their penis or giving head. Long story short my history with men - I was molested when I was 14, became getting paid for doing sexual favours for men at 15. Lost virginity at 15 with highschool sweetheart. Went through a number of guys touching me when I didn't want to be touched till I was 19 (I would always freeze, I have trouble saying no). Never dated, could only have sex with random guys I was attracted to. Husband is my only real relationship, which I loved in the beginning, but I couldn't hold the connection. He told me he loved me and got shit scared and my anxiety went through the roof and here I am 9 years later. My therapist wants to focus on the molestation issues as a teenager when she said that i got a feeling of dread and was like what's the point, I'm never going to be with them again anyway. I feel like I'm 2 different people: lesbian me and straight me. When lesbian me takes over men look gross and unattractive, and I just feel not like myself.
Sorry guys, I'm just looking for support. My therapist says I also suffer from ptsd from the molestation, as I became very weird with men after this happened. And the fact that I have to hear/see my molester every few months because my familyl has not awknodlged it. The higher my anxiety goes the more I get these fantasies of running away with woman or being close to a woman, holding hands and stuff. When I think of myself in a relationship I disassociate like I don't reconize myself, it feels really weird, feels like its not me. I've tried to just tell myself I repressed my feelings and now that I'm coming to terms. But when I'm not thinking like yesterday, I was in the bus and I saw this cute guy and he kept staring at me. I got all butterfly, giddy and self conscious (same feelings I got for my husband before the anxiety took over). My therapist is like don't worry we'll bring you back to that place with your husband and I'm thinking whattt, now that I'm accepting myself I'm going to back into the closet? I was like why do I even have to talk about this negative stuff when I'm not going to be with guys anymore. I feel like that gagging feeling is denial and i'm repressing myself. Did any of you guys feel like this? Am I just crazy?
I've even tried to "move" the butterfly feeling over to women. I feel really happy around my girls but it doesn't compare...and when I get like this I have to think of myself as a man/not a woman to be with another woman, which makes me think I'm transgendered as well. Yea, we need serious help lol. Also, I swear if I wasn't married I'd be doing the same as you...trying my best to find answers...which leads to more questions. Checked out the other site?
Yes, it's very much how I feel, I just don't know as I'm not sure I have OCD, I mean I have obsessive thoughts all the time about other things but I don't wash my hands repeatedly and shit like that, I really wanna get in touch with a therapist it's just taking forever
Yup, best to speak to a therapist, only they can diagnose you. Whatever that is causing these intrusive thoughts needs to be dealt with.
(*hug*)(*hug*) You've been through so much. Why do you have to see the guy that molested you? Is there any way you can avoid doing this? It must be very hard to move on if you have to see the man that did this to you. I agree with your therapist and think that you should focus on the molestation issues. I really think if you do that, the rest of the stuff regarding your sexual orientation will follow through. Is there anyone around you that knows about everything you've been through? Any close friends that might know? Do you have any kind of support system? If not, are there support groups in your area for women who have been through abuse? It might help you be able to open up to people more. "My therapist wants to focus on the molestation issues as a teenager when she said that i got a feeling of dread and was like what's the point, I'm never going to be with them again anyway See that part that you said right there? This is another reason why I think your mind is trying to tell itself that you're a lesbian, sorta to protect yourself against the bad memories that you have. Everything you've wrote on here is very difficult to deal with and I can imagine that if your family isn't supporting you, then it must feel a lot worse. I'm not a psychologist or anything like that but I really do believe you need to face these molestation issues if you want to find any peace. We have an advisor on here that deals a lot with those kind of things. I believe it's Chip (feel free to chime in at any time here Chip...) I think if you pm he might be able to give you better advice than I or any other ECer's can.
Hey, thanks for the hugs =) unfortunately everyone in my extended family has chosen to ignore the situation that happened and every time I am near them someone will bring up his name or invite him to a family function that I just happen to be at. I'm not sure why they do this, my parents have chosen to ignore what has happened as well, I'm sure it was to keep the peace in my family. I feel like I have made some sort of peace with it, but I never really dealt with it and never dealt with anything that came after it. That stuff is what makes me uncomfortable now as I just didn't care about my life after, I became a magnet of men using me and went through years of trying to use men for sex (which was difficult when I had feelings for them and would get hurt). I would disconnect when I was being paid for sexual favours and was totally horrified when I started to disconnect from my husband. Ever seen the movie crazy/beautiful??? This is how I saw myself and my husband lol. I pretty much saw him as the guy who saved me. I just could't stop sleeping around and this had nothing to do with my sexuality, it was more about not being able to hold that connection for men - liking them but the feelings would turn to anxiety when they got to close. But with my husband, he was special, the connection was so much more intense and when I started getting anxious and pushing him away I was so freaked out, I didn't want to let him go but it was like something was pushing me to. Then I started thinking I was a lesbian and thats why I couldn't connect with men and here I am 9 years later...
Everytime I think of having sex with a girl my mind will push it away from me thinking about it and when I try to force myself to think about it. When I think about it, it seems ok, like ok I could do that. But when I think of really doing it I feel sick, like I'm going to throw up. I'm so confused seeing my husband naked does not really turn me on, but I still have the desire to sleep with him. I just don't like giving head/hand jobs. I feel like in my head it would be better to do to a woman, but I just can't bring myself to actually do it. And I don't get actual crushes on women, I don't have a type, I feel like I'm crushing on everyone, now I've realized I'm just connecting (I get these happy feelings with my mom too) therapy is helping me see that. But I don't know what sexual desire and attraction are...
