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Coming out to grandparents?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Hyacinth, Jun 13, 2012.

  1. Hyacinth

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    This might be a little long, I don't know...

    So next week, I will be going on a trip with my parents to visit my grandparents. I have not seen them in over a year and I'm really excited about it. However, I do not like having to hide being gay to them.

    My grandparents are planning to move closer to us possibly as soon as next year. My mother wants them to deal with me being gay while they are still quite a while away from us so that she doesn't feel obligated to answer any "awkward questions". I want to tell my grandmother in person, (I know for sure she'll be accepting) and this may be the only time to do it while they still live away from us. Now my mom seems to have changed her mind and is telling me that I shouldn't mention anything to them while we are visiting.

    So I am left with a few choices:

    1. Wait and tell them when they move closer to the rest of the family.
    (Least favorable - mother doesn't want to be around while they take time to accept it)

    2. Secretly tell granny while we are visiting and have her tell my grandfather (I have no idea what kind of reaction he'll have) after we leave.
    (More favorable - I'm pretty sure my mom just doesn't want to be around for my grandfather's reaction)

    3. Since I am majoring in computer science, I can tell my grandparents that I want to show them a couple programs I've been working on. I can "accidentally" leave my gay pride wallpaper on for them to see.
    (Most favorable for me, but least favorable to my parents - I would rather tell them in person and just get it all out of the way even if it risks a negative reaction from my grandfather, but I know my parents would know what I was up to and that could lead to a fight)

    Sooooo..... yeah..... I'm left with weighing the pros and cons of how I should tell them. I don't want to have to wait. It's my life and it shouldn't be up to my mom when I should tell the rest of the family.... especially when it seems she can't decide what I should do.

    One more thing: I may have portrayed my mother in a negative way here by making it seem like she is a control-freak, but she is actually the most accepting person and is only being so confusing because I know she is worried about my grandfather.

    Advice? Any other suggestions to what I can do? Help? Please?
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Couldn't you also just come out to both of your grandparents together when you visit, without there being any kind of ruse?


    Tell your mom that coming out is something you have to do for yourself, and how you do it is your own decision to make. You will try to be considerate of her needs, but you have to make sure that your own needs are taken care of too. Make her understand that being in the closet with them will make you as uncomfortable as your coming out will make her.

    She seems to have selfish reasons for not wanting you to come out to them. She fears her father will react negatively towards her because of it. So she's stressing out, because they're her parents. Remind her that you coming out is harder on you than on her, but try to understand that she is experiencing her own fear of rejection.

    Did you want to come out to them at the beginning of your trip or the end? I can see arguments for either.
     
  3. Hyacinth

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    If I do come out to them, it would definitely be at the end of the trip.
     
  4. Lewis

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    Out of the three options, I would go with 2.

    Good luck! :slight_smile: