Mums Planning Emotional Abandonement...what to do?

I don't really see any other option, I wish that things turn out better for you, who knows, they might.

And if youre in india right now, may I suggest deleting browser history, don't complicate things by them finding out about this site

 

I think that if you're going to give up on your mom, then you might as well do what Dan Savage suggests and tell her that she has a year to gripe about this, but after that year, if she is still acting this way, you will no longer see her. That means you don't go to india once a year to live on her terms. You don't follow anything she says or wants from you. Make it abundantly clear that she WILL lose her only son because of the way SHE is acting, not because of who you are. It's her own fault if she loses you and she should feel that regret.

She also needs to know that it's YOUR life not hers. Just because she brought you into this world does not mean she owns you. You do not have an obligation to bring her children or a daughter-in-law. She needs to understand that, and it looks like it's gonna be tough. Parents usually come around, but yours is gonna need some time. And I suggest you break ties with her until she does.

 

Maybe I'm just a hardass who likes to burn bridges... but if I were in that position, I'd say "keep your damn money. goodbye" and go tback to UK and try to support myself without her help.

 

I am so sorry you're in this position, BornAnew. There isn't much advice that can be given, just support, but even support isn't going to make it better. Here is an e-hug anyway. (*hug*)

You're going to make it through this, I promise. As you said, you're going to be living in a different country. That isn't going to make it hurt any less, but this is your life not hers. You deserve to be happy.

This isn't your fault. You owe her nothing. You've done nothing wrong. There is no reason to feel shame or guilt. All of this - every bit of it - belongs to her. Any damage done to your relationship, it belongs to her. Any pain you're feeling right now, belongs to her. You didn't let her down, she let you down. She's fallen woefully short in her duties as a mother.

Your instincts, I believe, are correct. I think you should follow them. You know what you need to do, you just have to dig deep and find the courage to do it. However, if possible I'd also encourage you to think about cutting your trip to India short. You can come up with an excuse to tell other people in your family if you need too, or you can leave during the night if necessary. Don't tell your mother of your plans until you've made them and you're preferably back in the UK.

Your mother is trying to use fear, guilt, and shame to manipulate you. Don't allow yourself to remain in that position, and begin planning ahead now.

This is the best advice I can give. It's going to hurt more before it gets better, but ultimately I do believe things will get better for you. (*hug*)

 

Personally, I understand your young and you want everything to be as close to perfect as it can possibly be. But seriously... you need to (in my opinion) get your head out of your ass and start acting like a grown up instead of a child. However, my opinion does not usually go over well with others, not like I care.

You know what kind of country India is. You also know how traditional India is. And you know how religious India is. You know a great deal more about India then anyone on this site. And you know how this news could possibly have been received. And unfortunately for you, it was received in the worst way possible.

Your Mother is your mother, you will never have another one. Same can be said about your family. You don't throw them away just because they don't agree with your lifestyle. Your mother is having a very difficult time dealing with this information. You are there only child and they are living in a very formal/traditional country. (I would imagine, I've never been there)

Give your mother time, I think that she may be trying to hurt you because you hurt her. In time perhaps you can both get alone. Do what she asked, go to school let her pay for it completely - if you feel that your stealing her money then pay her back AFTER you graduate. Be realistic, without a college degree you wont be able to get a decent job, definitely not one that will support you and put you through college. Regardless of weather it's in the states (like me) or the UK (like you), it ain't going to happen.

Visit your family once a year like she suggested, the distance will probably do both of you some good and perhaps you can get along when you do get together. Also explain to your mother that you can adopt children or do other alternatives to having biological children. What it boils down to is have respect for your family, I know you want them to accept you for "who you are" (though I think she probably did accept you just fine before you dropped a bomb shell on her. Being gay is a part of you, it's not all of you.) but you need to understand there lifestyle as well. I'm sure your mom loves you a great deal but right now you hurt her, and this kind of hurt takes time to heal. Don't burn your bridge with your family, you may not ever get them back.

I am truly sorry your family/mom cannot accept that your gay, I really am. I wish you could tell everyone and anyone and not be afraid of the consequences. But unfortunately there are consequences still. I know you want to be free and open, but there are still many in this world who don't accept us. Be patient, give your mom time, and hopefully you will be able to have a relationship with her again.

I may not know anything about India... But I do know what it's like to burn your bridge with your family. I know that pain never goes away regardless of what country you live in or how old you become. And again, not many on here like my perspective, but it's the way I feel. Take it or leave it, your choice.

I know everybody is going to have a field day with this... I can see the quotes now.... hahahahahaha

 

Yep. Here come the quotes. :icon_bigg

I disagree with the premise. She is definitely hurting him, but he didn't hurt her. Since when did being authentic and honest count as hurting someone? You can say the culture hurt them both, because it is homophobic and if it wasn't she'd believe and act differently. This is true. However, at the end of the day EVERYONE is responsible both for their own actions as well as their reactions.

It's a bit like blaming a woman whose been raped that she caused it due to the way she dressed. Dressing provocatively doesn't make her responsible for the actions of her attackers. Similarly here, being honest doesn't make BornAnew responsible for his mothers reaction. She owns that reaction, not him.

Again, the premise is faulty because it assumes that being gay is a lifestyle. Being gay is not a lifestyle. Being a hipster is a lifestyle. Being a Catholic Nun is a lifestyle. Being a traditionalist Indian is a lifestyle. Being gay, is not. These two things are not equatable because they are not the same.

People can choose their lifestyles, not their sexual orientation. His mother is choosing her lifestyle over loving her child. He is not choosing a lifestyle over his mother, he's choosing to be honest about who he is.

We agree here.

We agree here as well, though I imagine he's already done so. Of course, he has to want children. He may not want children, and if he doesn't that's his choice. The worst thing he could do is be pressured into bringing a child into the world that he doesn't want.

I agree distance is good. However, visiting the family should be considered on a case by case basis. Although I'm unsure how much danger BornAnew is in, I have heard of honor killings taking place in India. This is the reason I urged him to cut his trip short. He said he's afraid of violence from his father should he find out, and his mother is threatening to tell him. That's a sign that he should take an exit before things get to that point.

There is no reason to stick around and wait for it to happen.

I agree here. There is no point in antagonizing your family pointlessly. A graceful exit and staying in contact long distance is maybe the best he can hope for at the moment.

----

See, I didn't beat up on you much TeeJay. :icon_wink

 

If you have intentions on staying for a full three months, then keep your phone handy. Don't leave it out of your sight, because you want to be able to communicate with the outside world in case of an emergency.

Stay in close contact with your friends in the UK. They'll help you keep your sanity. I worry about you being there in this situation for three months, with your mother in this kind of state. I think things are going to get worse before they get better.

Finally, have an escape plan if necessary. Since you aren't in some rural village or town, I'm assuming you're in some type of metropolitan area. There -HAS- to be some LGBT people -SOMEWHERE- nearby. Turn to Google. See what you can find and then reach out.

Don't let yourself get caught flatfooted if things start to go to shit. It takes away some of the power your mother is trying to wield against you. The better prepared you are, the easier it'll be to handle whatever comes your way.

 

No problem.

I definitely suggest getting in touch with that LGBT group. Even if you don't have an emergency need of them, they will have a great deal of understanding for people in your situation. A lot of knowledge I believe transfers across cultural lines, but they no doubt have experience on culture specific issues that you're facing.

Furthermore, they might have some advice or guidance on how to deal with your mother. Longer term, beyond your current situation, they might be able to put you in touch with people your mother might get to know to help her work through her issues.

 

This looks like it will be a rough and complicated hole in your relationship to patch. Not a tear that you can just zip through the sewing machine and call it good, but one that you have to use a needle and thread on and put back together stitch by stitch. But I do think that a mended relationship is still possible.

Okay, enough with the sewing metaphors. On to business.

From what you have posted, I get the impression that your mother is mostly just under-informed and is resistant to allowing herself to become informed. She may be hoping against hope that this really is your fault, if only for the simple fact that it would mean you could still change back. But that's not going to happen. You can't change back into something you never were. You don't get to fall back into the fantasy that was her vision of your path into the future.

And even if you actually were straight, that future would have been anything but guaranteed. Being straight does not mean that you will fall into a meaningful relationship with a girl. It doesn't mean you would get married. It doesn't mean you would have wanted or even be able to have kids with your wife. And it doesn't mean your mother would have liked where your future ended up. Likewise, being gay doesn't mean that stuff can't happen. It would just be with another guy instead of a girl.

But you already know all that stuff.

When your mother talked to your aunt, I have a feeling that your aunt was being much more blunt about the subject than she would have been had she known your mother was wondering about you, and not a friend's son. So I would keep that in mind. Something that might be interesting to ask your mother is what her views would be if your aunt assured her that it wasn't a choice and it was just a part of who you are. Would your mother feel differently about you then? Regardless, I think it is important to point out that your aunt is no expert on homosexuality. She was just giving opinions. If her opinion was that the earth was flat, would it make it true? Don't all the big psychology organizations that have done studies on homosexuality insist that there is no evidence indicating that sexual orientation is a choice/can be changed? I mean, if you asked your mother if she could turn into a lesbian and make herself be attracted to girls, would she claim to be able to? Maybe you could look up some scientific literature on the subject and show it to her? Not sure if that would be a good idea since I don't know your mom.

One more thing that may be worth talking to your mother about. Ask her what she is afraid of. When you get right down to the root of it, what about you being gay is so horrible? I have yet to think of a single "bad" non-religious consequence of homosexuality (that can't also be applied to heterosexuality).

In the end it isn't very important weather or not your mother approves of your sexuality. But what is important is that she treats you like a person and gives you the basic kindness and respect deserved of any human being. Approval is not required, but respect is.

 

@BornAnew

I also don't like the fact that you are staying there for 3 more months.
It's like saying you are going to a deserted island for 3 months. But if you stay in contact with your friends, you should be fine. Also, as someone already suggested, try getting into contact with the LGBT group in your city, it will keep your morale boosted and your mind sane until it's time to leave. As soon as you're back in the UK, try getting a job so you can support your own education and have your close friends support you. After that you can try to reason with your mother as you see fit. Try to get her informed, as well. The fact that she has an atrocious education about sexual orientation will make it harder, but just try to get through to her anyway. After all - you only have one mother.

You planned all the worst case scenarios out. You can do this, friend. Keep us posted!

Stay safe, and don't forget - you are not alone (&&&)

 

It's not cruel at all.

If you put yourself in your mother's shoes, this is exactly what she is doing to you anyways. She is saying "I don't want to love you unless it's on my terms" so you just say back to her "I won't let you love me unless it's on my terms"

I totally understand wanting to be financially stable before giving the ultimatum. Honestly, it sounds like your mother understands her responsibility as an adult with a child (to support you financially) and is willing to make good on that. You do need to give her the ultimatum with some time. She should be allowed to be in your life for a year. In this year she can ask any questions she wants and she is allowed to give you a bit of a hard time. After this year, if she can't get past it enough to be civil towards you and treat you like a human being and her son, then you will no longer see her and you will not live by her demands.