I just graduated 4 years of art school with a degree in Graphic Design and an interest in web design/development. My skills line me up to have a great job that pays well, though I haven't found it yet. School started out really fun. I was finally doing the kinds of things in classes that I wanted to be doing! Honestly, it was one of the highest-confidence times I'v ever had. I was finally making friends and doing things I actually wanted to do and I felt like the work I was doing was great and I really enjoyed doing it. Unfortunately as time went on, the work started to become overwhelming. The projects went from fun to difficult for no reason other than I started to lose confidence in my decision making skills. I'm not entirely sure why I lost my confidence but I did and now I'm eager to get it back and get out there and find a job. I lost my confidence somewhere around Junior year of college. It was around the time that the workload became overbearing and I had to spend literally all of my time working on school work or thinking about school work and it was really starting to get to me. I spent the last 4 days of the semester that year awake and working. I literally did not sleep for about 100 hours straight. I remember coming home from that and feeling completely broken. From that point on I felt incapable of strong emotions and incapable of feeling confident and good about myself and my work. I gained a lot of weight while in school since it literally took all of my time and I had no time to think about my own health (and I'm not the only one, many people got sick from a lack of sleep and nourishment). I started to become less and less confident with each move I made. My work started going down the drain because I no longer wanted to do that work. I felt as though I had been completely burned out on it, but in an effort to finish my degree I struggled through it and eventually got things done. Now I have a portfolio I'm not super confident about (despite the good reviews it gets from potential employers and my teachers(Though no one has given me a job yet!)). So with graduation I hoped the stress from school would fall off my shoulders and I would become a whole person again. Well was I ever sorely mistaken. The stress never fell off my shoulders, it simply stuck around for no reason at all. I'm not sure, but I do feel as though it's not just stress but anxiety and depression as well. I hate myself now. I'm even getting anxiety writing this because I don't know how to phrase it. I now spend my days sitting in my apartment, trying not to spend money because I barely have enough to get by now. I feel bad when i go out with friends and spend any kind of money because I am surviving solely on my parent's money at the moment (and my mom just lost her job). I feel chained to my bed. Unlike many depressed people, I don't sleep all day, but I might as well be. I spend my day jumping between different video games and facebook. None of them holding my attention for any longer than 15 minutes at a time. So basically, I don't end up actually doing anything at all. I'm not accomplishing things in the real world, nor am I accomplishing anything in video games or things I used to enjoy either. EVERYTHING is feeling this way now. I want to go lose weight now that I have the time, and there's a billion excuses I can make to not go running. I have the shoes, I have stuff to run in, there's no reason I can't do it, but it feels like there's this invisible wall between me and accomplishing anything. I make myself out to be a failure before I give myself the chance to succeed. I don't know why I do it or how to stop it and it's driving me completely nuts. The same can be said for my job search. I should be finding a great job right now. I am lucky to be in a field that is booming and has jobs available and I should be going out there to get them but as soon as I have to write about myself, I freeze up and I can't do it. So now I'm stuck at home with no money, freezing up when it comes to finding a job, and overweight. It doesn't help that my boyfriend and I finally got to live near eachother again (he was 2 hours away during the school year) and he got a job that would take him to LA for 6 weeks. He really needed the money and we thought it was a great opportunity so I pushed him to do it, even though it would be hard to spend another 6 weeks away from him (especially since this time he wouldn't be so easy to go visit). Well now it isn't going well, the company is grinding him to the bone with work, he only gets one day off a week and that's if he's lucky, while working 14 hour days for 75 dollars a day... It's absolutely ridiculous and he calls me and cries but I can't seem to console him. Everything I ever say makes it worse. I just feel as though I have lost every ounce of the happy person I once was. I question every step I take and immediately find all the flaws in everything and none of the good qualities. Why can't I stop procrastinating and just DO something?!?! It's seriously driving me crazy and further into depression. I have had thoughts of suicide, but it's nothing I would ever go through with. I have enough sense to know that if I was happy once I can be again, it just seems like a daunting task to get there. Any advice or support would be extremely welcome, I know this was long, but I really need to talk about it and I can't make an appointment with a therapist for a couple of weeks.
I hate to give such a short answer... but it sounds like clinical depression. It may just have coincided with your education or it may be because of the stress of it.
Oh wow does this sound familiar - had to respond because honestly this sounds so much like my life right now. A little on my situation before I respond to yours, so you know where I'm coming from: I also just finished a degree, similarly was told that all my work is great, but have yet to find a real job. It's a promising enough field, once I land a job I'll be fine, but I have a lot of work to do yet before I get there and getting myself to do it lately has been harder than pulling teeth (quite literally - I had my wisdom teeth out a week ago and I'm doing fine, but work on my career...not so much). I also felt that, if I could just make it through school, I'd be fine and the stress would melt off...but not so much. I'm generally pretty on top of my health, working out, etc., but even that has slid lately - I used to work out at least every other day, but now that I'm done with school, I've barely touched a gym. Which might not be so bad, except I suspect that not working out after being very used to doing so is making things even worse. Relationship issues are popping up for me too. I actually broke up with my long-term bf during school as part of the stress involved, but started seeing someone several months ago - and while things were great initially, I've found myself less willing to invest in that relationship lately (again, partially due to external circumstances, but I suspect that this situation is helping there as well). I'm also having trouble getting interested in things - the "no more than 10 or 15 minutes" rule for any pleasurable distraction is so painfully familiar. I ended up in therapy a couple years ago as a result of all this, and part of what I gleaned from that (and have continued to unravel on my own after leaving counselling) is that I had wrapped up far too much of my sense of self-worth in school and the program I was attending. At first, it was a step along the way in a career, but by the end of it, just finishing school itself was the goal - the "proof" I would need to convince myself that I hadn't screwed everything up, at least I had this degree, etc. Of course that didn't quite work out, because now I have this degree, but it's not getting me anything (say, a job?), so inevitably I've started to feel as if maybe I did screw up somehow. But in the end I've found that re-connecting with things I used to be interested in or spend time on has been the most pleasurable thing I can do. I guess at the end of this lengthy display of empathy, what I have to say boils down to this: try not to be hard on yourself. You've made it through a tough time, and as discouraging as it is right now, this can become a source of strength for you later in life if you let it - because however badly you might feel about it now, you DID make it through school, and you ARE still earning the praises of teachers and potential employers. I'm guessing many of them don't know how hard it has been on you the last year or so (mine sure didn't) - if they did, I'm sure they'd be all the more impressed. So, if you can, give the following a shot: Enjoy the fun you get, even if it's not as long-lasting as you would like. Who says you're obligated to have fun in 2 or 3 hour blocks anyway? Your body and mind are very stressed out right now, this is only natural. Try, as much as you can, to get some exercise - whether you're putting those running shoes to work or just doing a few sit-ups around the apartment, do whatever you can. This is one of the easiest ways to recover from massive stress and lift your mood. Besides, the more out-of-breath you get, the less you'll be *able* to think about things, which was always a plus for me. As far as your bf, things are obviously tough now with the distance (something I and my bf also deal with), but that sounds like it has an end-date at least, so do what you can to make it through the time - presumably he'll be back at the end of those six weeks? These training programs are really hard - my brother-in-law is finishing one up right now - but they are finite. Be honest with him about what you're feeling and let him know that there's a limit to how much you can help at this point, especially over the phone. If you can, try sending him something in the mail - a card or whatever. It could do more than you think to lift his spirits, and hey - it would be another small accomplishment for you! The job search and beefing up your portfolio are also things you can accomplish, but quite frankly I wouldn't worry about those at the moment. If your field is booming, then the jobs will be there, and a month or two of relaxing and recuperating - something it sounds like you need in any case - won't destroy you for all time. As for therapy, I don't know whether that's something you need yet or not, I guess that's really something that's up to you. Do you have one you regularly go to? It sounds like you might, and in that case, then great - it's a nice thing to have in your back pocket if you need it. Sounds like a cliche thing to say but hang in there! I really hope you can turn things around - feel free to get in touch if you want to talk more, I'd be more than happy to talk over things, cause like I said - SO similar to what I'm dealing with now. All the best. (*hug*)
Thanks for responding! It really does help a lot to know at least that I'm not the only one who feels this. I went running again today and it really helped for a little while. A few hours after, it started to wear off, but the relief was really great. I just need to avoid thinking about doing it. When I think about doing things, it makes them much less likely to happen. It's almost as if there's a voice that isn't mine that tells me I can't and won't do it and I'll hate it if I do (even though that's rarely the case). I just feel like I let my brain take over and now it's time for me to take control again. It pains me to think that I will have to struggle and put tons of effort into doing things my entire life. I worry sometimes that everyone has to force themselves to do things and that I'm just being a baby about it. I'v never been an extremely active person, so maybe this is something people do to be active and I just never knew. These are just some things that go through my head. I just feel like I'v missed something along the way of growing up. I guess that's always been my concern: I don't know something that everyone else does. Please tell me I won't have to force myself to do things for the rest of my life. I want to know that people do things just because they want to and not because life forces them to. I want to want to do something, and I don't want it to be a struggle to do it. (often times when I start things I want to do they get really difficult for me and I no longer want to spend any time doing that thing EVER, regardless of how awarding finishing things can be.)
Don't worry - I can honestly say that you don't always have to force yourself to do things. Personally I think it's something we shift in and out of - there are times when we really have to push ourselves hard, and times when things come easily. It's not linear, but I think we can work to make the process go largely, if not entirely, in our favor. I also find that sometimes, the less I think about things, the better - it's easy for me to drive myself crazy with what-ifs and hows and maybes. I've also had the feeling of a voice telling me I can't, or it won't work out - I've never actually heard anything, of course, but it has that sort of feeling to it. But it does make me think that somehow, I missed something along the way, and I've had that exact thought before - wondering if everyone else has to put this much effort into being so active and optimistic. Guess I still don't know, sorry. :lol: Good for you, though, for getting out and running a bit! I'm really happy you got yourself up to do it, and especially happy that it helped clear things out a little. The more you do it the easier it gets to make yourself do it, that part I can guarantee you. In fact I'm starting to feel better the last couple days from having my wisdom teeth out, and I'm probably gonna head to the gym myself soon (it's just a private one at my apartment, usually have it to myself, so I don't have to do the actual "gym" gym thing).
