Why even bother anymore...

When you're feeling depressed enough that you're contemplating suicide, the only way to move on is to find something in life that gives you hope, a reason to live for. People that have never experienced suicidal thoughts don't fucking get it. Sometimes you have to go to that really low place (mentally) in order to figure out what that reason to live is ("you have to cross the line just to remember where it lays"). It may take a while to find what matters to you that will motivate you enough to get out of the depression, but there always ends up being some reason available to go on living. Even if that reason is simply to prove your parents and any other detractors wrong about their perception of the great person you really are. You only live once, so you might as well see how it all plays out. There's always going to be shit situations to deal with that overshadow and taint everything else in life (that cause you to go to that depressed place), but the only way to know for sure what good things might lie ahead is to not give up on yourself and keep living.

One thing that might help would be to see a counselor, if that's an option. You have to take what they say with a grain of salt (not all of them are helpful), but even a mediocre one may give you some advice to think through on your own that eventually might be illuminating and super helpful. Even if you don't get good enough advice, they are at least someone disconnected from your life that you can talk to anonymously. One thing I began trying, today in fact, was going to the public library and checking out some self-help and gay issues books. If it's too risky to check those out given your closeted situation, simply go to the library and read passages from those books there in the aisles where no one can see what you're looking at.

Also, you mentioned you have an out gay brother. Are you out to him yet? Given he had to go through the same shit you have, it would seem he would keep it a secret to the rest of your family until you're ever ready to tell them. He probably could give you some good advice and make you not feel so alone. Checking out a LGBT organization where you live would give you more connections of people you can talk to about what's going on. PFLAG is an organization that you might want to look into for dealing with your homophobic parents. There are also suicide prevention hotlines that you can call if the urge gets too great and you immediately need someone to talk to.

Just know that you are not alone in having these feelings. (*hug*) I've been through similar stuff lately and had to pull myself out of feeling borderline suicidal. Keep posting...just writing down your feelings/thoughts can help you think about aspects of your situation in another light. If you ever want to post on my wall, feel free to do so. Read through other people's posts too, it can help (there are other recent posts about depression, including some of mine, but you can also use the search function).

Hang in there!(*hug*)

 

Hey man. I can relate a little bit to how you feel. I was raised in a small town in the middle of the Bible Belt, my family is homophobic and I was raised in a Southern Baptist Church. I've know since I was a small kid that I was gay, but never could talk about it because of what I heard my parents say. My dad once told my brothers and I that if any of us ever came on told him that we were "cock-sucking faggots" that he would shoot us on the spot. I am not out to anyone and due to certain circumstances, I have to speak against who I really am and pretend to be someone that I'm not. It rips me into shreds when I have to do this. It hurts me to hear people refer to us as "sick" or "gross" simply because who we are isn't "what" others think we should be.

As I was growing up and got into my mid-teen years, I struggled very hard with acceptance, and still do today. One night I got so down because I didn't ask to be gay, it wasn't something that I chose, but yet I had always been taught that it was a choice by my parents, my church, and my friends, so I was very confused. Due to the fact that I couldn't discuss it and I couldn't take it any more, I decided to take my life at 15. It was one evening and I was staying with my grandparents. After they had gone to bed, I was just about to go outside and hang myself when my phone rang. I started not to answer it because I had my mind set on my task. It was my best friend. She didn't/doesn't know, and she just called and told me that she knew something was going on in my life and that she didn't know what it was, but that she was very concerned because I wasn't myself. Little she know that she was right...I wasn't "myself" because it was impossible. She assured me that it would all be alright whatever it was and that she really hoped that I could pull out of my depression. She assured me that there were people that loved me and I had a reason to bounce back. After I hung up, I began to cry and still thought about killing myself, but talked myself out of it because I knew that although life was hard, death wasn't a positive move because I didn't want to hurt those that I love. Mind you, now at 21, I still have those thoughts sometimes. At times I think that it would be better if I just weren't alive, but then I think back to the night that I was about to hang myself. I never want to feel that feeling again. You know the feeling that I am talking about. Luckily, I had people who loved and cared about me enough to call and say "I love you and I miss you." If my friend had waited five more minutes, I would not be here today. She doesn't know that she saved my life, but I thank God every day for that phone call.

I want to encourage you that although it seems as if life couldn't get any worse, think about the positive things in your life. There are people who love you and want to see you come back from this. Life is a road that sometimes has small bumps, but also has moutains. There are pot holes and then there are sink holes. What you must remember is that although you can't control what is on the road, you are behind the wheel and you get to choose the course. I don't know you, but I feel a connection and I love you. There are places that will help you if you need to talk. I have found EC to be a great resource for encouragement. There are hotlines that you can call, and I would suggest looking into those and finding one that you think best meets your needs. You mentioned that you have a gay brother who is out. Perhaps he can help you along this part of the road because he has probably hit some of the same bumps that you have. That isn't to say that you have the same situation, but he probably knows a little bit of how you feel about the family and the struggle to accept yourself. Personally, I think if you have someone that is that closely related and they are in a similar boat, then he could be a great help and support to you.

I'll be thinking of you and I hope that you will find the encouragement, love, and support that you need. My biggest hope that you become full of joy and the suicidal thoughts leave your mind. I have posted a longer version of my story on here if you want to check it out. There are many other similar stories. When I get to feeling down, I just remind myself that I was put on this earth for a reason, if not for anything but to smile at someone or speak a nice word. It has been echoed that it does get better, and I hope that it does for you. Please don't be another statistic...you are so much more than that! Love, peace, joy, and well wishes to you! (*hug*)

 

Hi ther. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I've been in that dark and lonely place too, where I've contemplated taking my own life. It's a horrible place to be and I hate the thought of someone else on this planet feeling like that. I wish I could give you a hug, because it sounds like you could use one. A hug from someone who knows you and knows what you're going through and sincerely wants you to feel better.

You've got a bunch of stuff going on right now, and it's compounding to the point where you're not functioning. From my perspective, you need to let go of something in order to fix something else. And I know that might feel scary. Letting go of one thing might leave you feeling like this whole 'house of cards' you have going on is going to fall down around you. But it won't. And even if it did, how much worse could things get?

I also wonder why your brother isn't an ally in your struggles. Why haven't you told him what's going on?

Getting some kind of counselling is also likely required. TO HELL with what your parents might think of you. You already KNOW what your parents would think of you if you told them the truth. That hurts as much or more as them ACTUALLY thinking that way, doesn't it? So you're left with feeling isolated from your parents AND going without help. If you were to tell them about your depression you might still feel isolated from your parents, but you'd at least be getting help. And I'll bet that while they might be completely tactless and insensitive in talking about your cousin, they probably do care, and would certainly care about you. As parents, we want our kids to be happy and healthy. They might surprise you if you were to tell them that you needed some help.

I'd also recommend at a minimum talking to your family doctor about all of this. You're an adult and you need to take responsibility for your own care. See your doctor and let him/her know what is going on in your life. If you're feeling that down and experiencing anxiety that severe you might benefit from some medication. When I told my doctor that I was feeling so down that I was suicidal, he prescribed some antidepressants and they really did change my life. My outlook improved almost immediately. I'm not sure I could have done what I did in the 3 years that followed had I not started on those meds. Talk to your doctor. Please.

Finally, that student debt would weigh heavily on anyone. But what is done is done. So at this point you have a few things you could try. While you continue your job search, are there ways that you could get experience through volunteering? If you're a student of animation, are there local charities or TV stations who could use a short commercial made up for them free of charge? It would be a way of building your portfolio and might lead to opportunities somewhere.

You could take on another job doing something else until the right job comes available.

You could consult with a debt counsellor and see what your options are. It seems a little crazy for a private college to lend you $120K - it might serve them right if you filed for bankruptcy. At your age, when you're just starting out anyway, maybe that's an option. I'm not an expert, so I'd recommend you talk to someone who is. Surely your parents know about your debt - what do they think about this? Are they going to be able to help you finacially?

As already recommended, hang out here. It really helped me. Only when you can feel good about yourself and your orientation are you going to be able to come out to family and friends and not really be concerned with what they think. And that's the best place to be in. You can do it.

You can reach out to me via a personal message any time. I have them forwarded to my blackberry, so I'll know when you're written and I'll do what I can to get back to you right away. I hate the thought of you feeling so down and alone right now - so consider me a friend and let me know if I can do anything for you.