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This is pure hell (graphic)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Prometheus, Jun 14, 2012.

  1. Prometheus

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    So Ive been having issues with my sexuality (check out previous posts) anyway I haven't been able to get a therapist or anything so I decided to take matters into my own hands and try out everything with another man, being as open as I possibly could be. It was bot what I expected, first off I was nervous as hell, i just wanted to get it over with, he made out with me I tried to enjoy it, and get into it but I just couldn't, it was just so weird. I didn't like it, but after a lot of trying I got hard (with my own help) he went down on me, started going soft. Then I went down on him, I couldnt do it at first, but after a while I i forced myself to do it more and he pushed my head down (I was masturbating this whole time) and I came! Now I'm even more freaked out, I didn't enjoy the experience AT ALL, it was super weird and felt awkward at one point I was just laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. But still I came! What does this mean??? Granted I came in like two seconds first time I slept with a girl but now I'm so confused I want to die, I tried as much as I could to figure this shit out, but I just dont get it. I dont see how I'm ever gonna get any answers and I'm completely grossed out by the whole experience, any thoughts?
     
  2. KiddlesP

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    I have never had relations with another guy, so take a grain of salt to what I might say. Think about what you did and ask yourself honestly, "do I like doing it with woman or men more?". Perhaps you like the fantasy of men, however you're not fully into the next step. Perhaps you came because you were masturbating yourself, more than because you were having sex with him. But you may have enjoyed it more than you think subconsciously too, and consciously blocked out a few things because of the nervousness and newness of the situation. Take some time and come to grips of what is inside you, then take a step in that direction (without jumping into it), and see if that feels right. Just my two cents, I hope it helps somewhat. Peace and love.
     
  3. Prometheus

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    Well I like sex more with a woman that's for sure, but I got off when I blew the guy so what does that say, it wasn't the sensation of it but more of the idea of what I was doing. But no i definitely enjoy sex with a woman more.
     
  4. Mad Man L

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    And that's why you didn't enjoy the experience. If you're as nervous as hell, you won't enjoy it. It only takes stimulation to have an orgasm - you don't need to enjoy it.

    If you're trying to figure out whether you like men or not, I'd recommend trying alternative means.
     
  5. Prometheus

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  6. adam88

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    Dating. :slight_smile: Cuddling up in front of a nice movie, holding hands etc. I didn't get whole-hog into the sex stuff at first either, but if it's with someone you care about then it's different. Are you usually into random hookups?
     
  7. confusedlady

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    So yea, really important to speak to someone if you truly do have a mental issue then you're not going to get any answers this way...so again, do you desire to be with a man, do you WANT to do these things or is it just intrusive thoughts like touching the hot stove (as you stated before).
     
  8. Prometheus

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    No I don't want to do any of these things I'm just forcing myself to
     
  9. confusedlady

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    There must be someone you can speak with...doctor, help line (who can possibly give referals) psychologist, maybe see if they can give you a free consultation. I'm not too sure how things work where you are. Can you speak to your parents, someone you trust?
     
  10. Prometheus

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    I don't speak to my parents much. I thought I was getting a therapist but it's taking too long to get an appointment, I'm still trying though. I really don't feel good about this, I feel like I raped myself, the entire time I was just forcing myself to do this thing I wasn't enjoying, and really tying my hardest to get into it. I'm worse off than before I did it...
     
  11. confusedlady

    confusedlady Guest

    Oh man, that's pretty messed up. If I could private msg u I would, I dunno if I can put links on this site but can you search stuck in a doorway, it is an OCD website and in no way am I saying you have ocd. But maybe they can help you there. These are intrusive thoughts in which you don't enjoy.
     
  12. Prometheus

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    Thanks, I don't know what to do, I cant sleep, I feel extremely confused and depressed and scared. I can't handle this
     
  13. confusedlady

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    Don't worry, you'll be ok. Do a search on that site. I'm trying to be totally honest with myself and I'm freaking confused as well. You will be ok, hang in there and stop doing things you don't want to do.
     
  14. Prometheus

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    Thanks, and will do, just wish I'd never done those things to begin with...
     
  15. confusedlady

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    Its ok, try not to think too much about it. I have also considered experimenting to find an answer and shut my mind up. In my head things seem ok, but then when I pretend to actaully do it, I feel ike I'm going to gag, then I get really depressed. I get these feelings that I'm falling in love with every woman I see and I'm going to jump them. But its in no way the calm, melt into men, butterfly feeling I feel for guys...feels so weird.
     
  16. bob94

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    I think you should just wait for the right person (guy or girl). There's no need to rush things and do the first guy who walks by just to see if you're gay. The right person should make you feel comfortable, and you should enjoy it.
     
  17. Prometheus

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    I wasn't really looking for the right guy or whatever, once I know a guy I just can't do it as Ive never crushed or "liked" a guy, and it would just be weird if they were my friend. Plus I don't necessarily find men physically attractive so it's hard for me to care who they are or what they look like, that's why with this guy it was like "I don't care who you are, what you do, what you look like/body type, I just need to try this and see what happens" so the whole "getting to know someone/cuddling/watching a movie" thing isn't my deal
     
  18. Prometheus

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    Has ANYONE else gone through something similar?
     
  19. Mad Man L

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    If you've never crushed or liked a guy, I think that's your answer. You don't like guys. If you don't find guys physically attractive and you have no desire to date them, do romantic stuff with them, or other sexual stuff, there are two options:
    1. You may have slight homosexual tendencies (i.e. you're >95% straight).
    2. You are very deep in denial about your feelings of attraction.

    Can I ask: Did you ever repress feelings of homosexuality in High School? It is possible you could be a straight-leaning bisexual (Kinsey 2 or so), who has just repressed his feelings of homosexuality.

    When I meant 'other means', I was trying to imply that you should go watch gay porn. While its not the most accurate test, it should give you a good indication. From some reading in your previous threads, it's come with mixed results.
     
  20. Prometheus

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    I had issues in high school with it, I don't feel I repressed my feelings though, I was just afraid of the possibility. I still never crushed on guys, I had a mental breakdown though and was institutionalized for believing I was in hell. I did many drugs

    ---------- Post added 16th Jun 2012 at 01:29 AM ----------

    And that's the thing that I'm most afraid of, that this is all denial, but how can it persist so long and like this? I've tried to accept everything and it just doesn't work