Why not today?

I'm trying to work up the courage to tell my dad today. Yes, today! As in, not sometime this month, or this week, or this weekend, but today.

Not that today is particularly logical for any reason other than he's actually home (he works out of town) and my mother isn't (she's at work). It's even rather illogical, because this weekend is Father's Day and we will be doing things... like being stuck in a car all day XD

I know all I need is thirty-odd seconds of courage, but when it comes down to it, I'm a complete wimp. Any (hopefully last-minute) advice to help me kick myself in the pants, please?

 

All right, I panicked. I was waiting for him at the park (unrelated to this) planning on bringing it up, but when I saw him coming I think what I had was actually a minor panic attack >.> All right. New plan. *After* we do father's day stuff and things settle down a bit again, before he goes off on his next trip, I will text him and tell him that there is a very awkward and rather permanent conversation pending, and that he is not to let me weasel out of it. Since I seem to be rather good at weaselling -_-

 

I have a new plan! One of these mornings where I work late enough, I intend to send him a text to make sure he's on the downstairs computer (he usually checks his emails and whatnot in the basement in the morning), tell him that we have to have the aforementioned awkward and permanent conversation, and then have a letter print out, thanks to a wireless printer down there. So. Anyone want to proofread a rough draft? Names altered for privacy etc, etc.




Hey Dad. This is the very awkward and rather permanent conversation. I find I’m rather better at conveying information and explanations and the like through text – hence my writing – and since awkwardness makes verbal eloquence even harder to come by… well, you can probably see why I’ve gone this route.

Apparently the residence director for the ///university/// (the woman we keep having to call to sort out the whole residence/move-in shebang) mentioned that there was an error in my online profile… that I had accidentally selected male rather than female. Well, the thing is, it wasn’t a mistake. It was entirely intentional. See, it’s rather easier to be open to a stranger, to be open from the beginning, than it is to talk to someone and try to change their perceptions. The thing is, though, that you have to talk to them eventually… even if your voice isn’t quite up to the task.

Dad, I’m trans. When it comes down to it, I’m not female. I might have the extra X chromosome, but that really only dictates the outside… and my outside doesn’t match my inside. I don’t suppose you’ve noticed the times where you (or any other guy) does something and Mom says you’re ‘such a guy’ – but I agree with you rather than her?

I know this may come as a shock to you, being so sudden and whatnot, but I assure you that it’s not a phase. Or rather, if it is, it’s a bloody long-lasting one – I figured out that there was something less than mainstream about me around age thirteen. I’ve just managed to avoid working on what that something is for quite a few years. Even so, I had sorted out that there was some sort of disconnect, some sort of inconsistency, between the me everyone sees and the me that does the thinking and feeling, before I graduated high school. To be honest, one of the main reasons I broke it off with awsumgamr99 was that he could only see me as a girl – and he just liked me because I had roughly similar interests and was of the appropriate sex. Of course, much of the reasoning and whatnot was still largely subconscious still, but the relationship did go a long way to clarifying things. One of the things it clarified is that I have rather little interest in marrying a guy >.> Admire, envy, and look up to a guy, yes, but that’s about it.

Anyway, I think part of the reason it’s taken me so long to come to terms with my gender identity is the lack of information – I had no exposure to the entire concept of being transgendered, and my only association with the idea was drag queens – and then only the showiest, most obvious drag queens who made it onto mainstream tv. The school system was no help; did you know that the most information they gave out on the LGBT* movement at all was that some people were gay, and some were lesbian, and it was because they liked their own gender and so were prone to all the nasty diseases they tried to scare us with. There was absolutely nothing regarding transgendered people – and, as it turned out, I actually met a kid who was transgendered but hadn’t found the label. I don’t suppose you remember coolperson42, the younger guy in my art class in grade twelve? He’s in that picture animequeen67 drew about dealing with the very annoying brother of one of the younger girls _evilsister_ danced with – one with a very annoying mother. Anyway, coolperson42 actually said that he felt like he should be female, although he never associated with transgenderism; there just wasn’t enough information around.

I think I’m starting to ramble now, so it’s probably best that I try to wind this down… I will ask you to hesitate before talking to Mom, given her general stress levels… and her own lack of experience on the subject… and her history in the vein. I know what’s ahead of me (but don’t worry, I am entirely distrustful of current technology), and I don’t want her to stress unnecessarily, although I do want her to know eventually… I just don’t want to hurt her. On the other hand, I don’t want her pity, and it is pity that she has offered to transgendered people in general in the past. I just I’m just hoping that you, given how well you’ve responded to my feelers on the subject, would be a good place to start.



Sincerely (and rather more drily than if this awkwardness were in person),
Your son, ///me///.

PS: this in no way gives you permission to start dumping more work on me. I’m still me and still lazy, you just know a little more about me.

 

Thanks :3 Now I have to go party in the rain ^.=.^