I grew up in a conservative household. From the time I was a child, I remember being attracted to other guys. When puberty hit, this became more apparent. However, because of my Christian upbringing, I was resigned to living the rest of my life in the closet, even marrying a woman when the time came. Throughout middle school, high school, and a few years into college, I dated women. My longest relationship with a woman ended after two years in 2010. I was devastated. I felt like I had lost the one thing that made me feel safe. I turned to church and decided that Christian counseling would help me overcome homosexual urges once and for all, so that I could live the life my family wanted me to live. For a year, I kept up the facade, attending church when the doors were open. However, the hopelessness persisted. In early July of 2011, I went to a friend's house, where I met Greg (not his real name). At the time, I was seen as a staunchly conservative Christian, and Greg, an open homosexual, didn't know how to take me. Soon, however, I let my guard down and we became fast friends. It was about mid-way through the summer when I realized that I had strong feelings for Greg. Every time we hung out, I didn't want to leave him. Come September, I decided it was time to let him know the truth. It was one of the best nights of my life. I began coming out to family members and close friends. Today, Greg and I have been in a relationship for four months. I believe that I love him very much. However, I struggle because of my closeted Christian past to keep from feeling guilty for disappointing my parents. While my parents have by no means stopped loving me, they have expressed disdain for my lifestyle. I do not believe that what I am is a choice, and I want to live a life free of guilt. I want to stop feeling this nagging emptiness that hits from time to time, where I question everything I am and wonder if I should change. Most of all, I want to be able to love Greg and know without a doubt that I do. When I feel this hopelessness, it makes me want to give up on everything. I don't know what I need most, but someone with insight would be fantastic.
I think that inorder to doubtlessly love Greg, you first need to learn to love yourself. Self-love is really important, but inorder to fully establish it, you need to accept yourself, and that seems to be what you have been struggling with the most.
Each time you start to feel that hopelessness, just remember your love for Greg and that it was never your choice to be gay. I'm sure your parents will come around to fully accept your sexuality, it may just take a little time. God makes no mistakes (oh jeez, now I need to listen to Lady Gaga).
I'm not sure there is a whole lot you can do now to get rid of the feeling of hopelessness other than wait it out. Time, especially with things like this, is a huge healer. What makes me feel better, and it may sound trivial, but it's to watch videos of people I respect who support L.G.B.T. rights. Joe Biden, Barack Obama; there's a huge list. And I look at the statistics. Here in Ireland, 73% of people support same-sex marriage and we have civil partnerships. And homosexuality was only legalised in 1993 by an openly gay senator, David Norris, who took Ireland to court in Europe. Last year, the same man who was in the court case in the European Court of Justice with the title "Norris vs. IRELAND" (On a side note, can you image you in a court case vs. a country? That's pretty amazing.), he ran in the Irish presidential election and came very close to winning and was the leading candidate for months. In the U.S., the tide is rapidly changing and more than half of the population support same-sex marriage. This article in the New York Times, talks about how one of the largest Republican donors is urging the G.O.P. to start turning the tide on gay rights. And it's the same the world over. So when you see great, respected and wonderful people who support who we are and who you are, I think it's easier to see that you don't have to change. You don't have to question who you are, because there are a lot of people who support people like you.
Thank you, everyone, for you advice. It helps just to voice what's wrong to people who can empathize.
Hello, Welcome to Empty Closets! Congratulations on coming out to your family, and on your relationship with Greg. You're really very fortunate to have found someone that way. Your parents will probably come around in time. It's still pretty new to them, remember. You struggled with your sexuality for years without them knowing, and they haven't had much of a chance to adjust. I know it can be very hard to have to deal with their disapproval. You could try providing some resources from PFLAG. And tell them honestly how painful it was for you over the years, and what it has meant to you to have your relationship with Greg. I also think you might want to consider counseling with a gay-friendly counselor, to undo the damage from your Christian counseling. All the literature I've seen shows that the "therapy" from that can be seriously harmful to your sense of self-worth. If counseling one-on-one is too much like the Christian counseling, so that it re-traumatizes you, you could see if there is a support group you can go to. You can go to Beyond Ex-Gay for support resources for survivors. If you are still struggling to reconcile your sexuality with your faith, you can find a church that affirms gay and lesbian relationships. You know that your sexuality is an innate part of you. Would a just, loving, and merciful God condemn you for it? Your life was full of hopelessness, and then you found love. It is not possible that the love that finds you in the darkness of despair is something wicked. It has saved you. Know the truth of your own life. You should no more let someone convince you that your earnest and good love is sinful or evil than you would let them convince you that fire is cold. When people say to you something that is blatantly and obviously false, it is right that you should recognize it as a lie. The most important thing is that you learn to see yourself as worthy of love. This worth is inherent to you, as it is to all people, and inalienable. Again, I would like to welcome you to our community, and I hope we'll be seeing a lot more of you. (*hug*)
