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Confused...Please Help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JonSomeone21, Jun 15, 2012.

  1. JonSomeone21

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    Well, this may contradict some of my other posts, but I am going to post it anyway. Feel free to offer any advice if you have it or if you have felt the same way.

    Anna is a girl that I met several years ago at school. We shared common interests and although she is a few years younger than me, we became very close friends. After a period of time, feelings developed and we both wanted to date, but her mother was not supportive of the idea. It wasn't that her mother didn't like me...her family pretty much adopted me as one of their own. We spent holidays, birthdays, and vacations together. We often went out to eat together alone, but we weren't allowed to go to the movies alone. If we went, another friend or a parent had to go as well. I was not allowed to pay for Anna's meals or movie tickets. There was hardly a day that went by that we didn't see one another, and we were talking on the phone or texting one another from the time we woke up to the time we went to bed at night. We both really wanted to date, but because her mother was unapproving, it was not an option. We talked about dating once we were both out of high school and we even talked about marriage. We were in love.

    Ella is another girl that I was friends with. Earlier in my life, I had a huge crush on her and I asked her out. She rejected, but we remained friends. Ella was a mutual friend of Anna and I. After about three years, Ella and I were talking and she asked me if I was still interested in dating her and asked me to be her boyfriend. Now, I am not one that has had many girls interested in me. Due to the fact that Anna and I couldn't date, I jumped at the chance, mainly because I thought I still wanted to be with Ella. When I told Anna that Ella and I were dating, she was devastated. I did what I thought was right by telling her so that she wouldn't feel like I was leading her on. I gave her space and time to think and take it in. My thought was that if she had a few days or weeks to adjust to the new relationship, that she would be okay. Although it was civil, we grew apart very quickly. Even after nearly three years, the only time that we speak is when we see each other in person. We don't text, call, or hang out any more.

    At the beginning of mine and Ella's relationship, I thought I was happy. :icon_bigg In reality, I wasn't. :icon_sad: Throughout the entire relationship, I only wanted to be with Anna. She had always been there and when something happened, she was always the first one that I'd call and let her know. Now, I couldn't do that. If Ella and I had an argument or something, I had no one to talk to about it. I apologized to Anna for hurting her and asked her to forgive me and told her that I wanted us to be friends. She responded by saying that she had forgiven me, but didn't know why I wanted to be her friend. The relationship between Ella and I continued for two years. We have since broken up, but remain friends. There were times that I blamed Ella for mine and Anna's broken relationship, but I realize that it is just as much my fault, if not more so, because I am the one who said yes. :bang:

    Here is my delima: Anna and I were in love. She was the one that I knew that I was supposed to marry. She is the only one that I could envision myself with for the rest of my life. We made each other happy and we just fit together. Although we never officially dated, in our hearts we were a couple. Whenever she would hold my hand, I felt as though the missing puzzle piece was perfectly in place. That is cliche, I know, but it is how I felt. It was after Anna and I grew apart and I got into my relationship with Ella that my sexual attraction to men grew very strong.

    The problem is that although I have accepted that I am attracted to men on a sexual level, I'm not sure if there is an emotional connection with men. That is because I have yet to engage in a relationship with a man beyond sex.

    I do have an emotional connection with Anna. I am STILL in love with her. She is still the only person that I can imagine spending my life with. I do still want to marry her. Anna was and is my "soul mate." I hate not having her in my life...I feel like the puzzle piece is missing and I can't find it. :tears:


    *Has anyone else felt this way or been in a similar situation?

    *Even though I am sexually attracted to men, I am emotionally attracted to Anna.
    I am willing to give up sex with men in order to be with Anna.
    Do you think that if given the chance to reconcile with Anna, that we could have a
    healthy relationship?

    Any thoughts and/or advice is appreciated. I know I am probably crazy, but I just want to know if there is anyone else out there that has been where I am. :help:
     
  2. TeeJay

    TeeJay Guest

    I think that if you could rekindle the love and relationship with Anna then you should do it. However, understand that if you do this and your not sexually attracted to her (just mentally attracted) then you could hurt Anna yet again.

    I have felt similar I'm sexually attracted to guys but I'm mentally attracted to girls. Because of this I want to have relationships with both. But in reality relationships are very hard to have. If you cannot feel both mental and sexual attraction for the person then I don't believe the relationship will last no matter how much you love and care for the person.

    You need to find Anna and explain to her that you have been living a gay life since whenever, and that you are still in love with her. And see if there is a relationship there worth saving. I think you need closure, and this is probably the only way you will get it. But remember, by doing this you could really hurt her.
     
  3. manny123

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    Yes I am like that too, but I am sexually attracted to women. I'm a trans man and am in love with my best mate who is gay and in a relationship. I'm not into men's parts but I feel an emotional connection with him and I think he feels that way too.
    I see how he looks at me but we never talk about our feelings. I remember when him and his partner were arguing in the other room and I was in the living room I overheard, 'U don't want me u want her!' They know I was born female but go as male. I'm afraid to ask him if he has feelings for me coz it might end our friendship.
    Now I am sad coz we havent spoken to each other for over a week and I miss him intensively.
    I don't know what to do in this situation too but I'm glad there's someone out there has a similar situation.
     
  4. JonSomeone21

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    TeeJay:
    Anna and I are civil with one another when we are around one another. We can talk on a friendly level, but there is an awkwardness there. I have never had sex with a girl, but I can see myself marrying and having a family with Anna. Even though I have always had an attraction to men, they subsided to near nothingness when I was with Anna. They grew to be very strong once we parted ways. I think that there is a physical attraction as well, and I think that I would be able to have a healthy relationship with her...mentally and physically. Telling her about my gay life is not an option, but thanks for the advice!

    Manny123:
    Thank you for your story. I hope that you and your friend are able to work everything out and that his partner doesn't make him choose between his relationship and his friendship with you. That is a hard thing to do. I wish you the very best!
     
  5. JonSomeone21

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    Well, I sent Anna an email explaining how I felt and apologized for how things went between us. She politely responded saying that she had forgiven me, but that although she would always be my friend, things could never be the same. She went on to say that her life got better after everything happened between us. Basically, she is happier without me.

    I know it shouldn't bother me, but I'm completely in love with her. My heart is broken and I'm not sure what to do now. Perhaps God will have mercy and take me in my sleep. Thanks everyone for the advice you gave.

    :tears: :icon_sad: :tears:
     
  6. Gravity

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    While I agree with what's been said so far about the difficulty of going back and trying to revive a past relationship - as you've seen yourself now - I understand the impulse behind wanting to try to regain what you had. Even if we realize that we are idealizing what we had with said person, it can still be difficult to see past that and be objective about things.

    Since you've put something out there with Anna now, however, you do need to respect it. Not taking her at her word will not only not lead to what you want, it will probably put more distance between the two of you. It's a hard thing to imagine, but you might want to try visualizing becoming a friend to her - I would at least give it a shot. As awkward as it might be at first, in the long run it might help you obtain a sense of fulfillment and closer. Just make sure you are adding something positive to each others' lives, and not just making things awkward or difficult.

    It seems like a lot of your sense of yourself is wrapped up in seeing yourself as Anna's partner. I'm not too familiar with your other posts (sorry), but it seems from what you wrote here that it was only after you split up with her that you began to explore things that you wanted for yourself - such as other men. You also seem to be pretty clear about the split you're feeling - emotionally attracted to *a* women, but sexually attracted, in general, to men. I think this implies that, in any case, you're not quite ready to be in a relationship right now (this is just my sense, of course - feel free to disagree), as most relationships will involve both emotional and sexual interactions. This may be time to pay attention to yourself, more than other potential partners?