I've had a bad day, so this may be a bit all over the place. Sorry in advance. : Anyways, the more i seem to think about coming out to my parents the more i start getting irrational and silly thoughts. I have tried over and over again to find ways to tell them, and even hint ways, but it just never seems to work. I am really skeptical about telling them because I have no idea how they will react. They don't appear to be homophobic, but they're not shouting for gay rights either which is why I don't really know where they stand, and i have no idea what i should prepare for. I hope they would be fine with it, but a part of me just assumes the worst and thinks that my family would just completely disown me. My main reason for being so worried is mainly because there is kind of pressure on me to have children. I know there is adoption and other options, but i can't see my parents actually thinking that straight away if i was to tell them. They have kind of been relying on me to have children to kind of keep the family going, because all my cousins with my surname are girls so they will change their name when/if they get married. It's also bad because they won't actually get any grandkids seen as I am the only child they have now. My sister died of cancer a few years ago, so whether that means they would take it better or worse? It could go either way really. But yeah, generally my mind is just all over the place and i just can't help think i will split the family up over it. I also don't really want to disappoint my parents seen as they are expecting grandkids, and coming out would mean that there is no way for my family to carry on for more generations. It is like i am killing the family already. :bang: :icon_sad: That probably all sounds uber extreme, but that is what is constantly in my head and it's really really annoying me. :icon_sad:
(*hug*) i'm sorry hon. but, if they are concerned about kids there ARE ways to have kids, biological kids even. there's artificial insemination with a surrogate mother.
The fact of the matter is - you're gay, whether you tell your parents or not! Telling our parents is probably the hardest thing to do... for everyone. You're not alone on that front. Remember that YOU are not responsible for your parents' happiness - THEY ARE! YOU are responsible for YOU'RE OWN happiness! Living your life honestly and without this secret weighing you down would likely make you happier, even if it comes as a disappointment to your parents. They'll get over it, because first and foremost they want their kids to be happy. Good luck.
I think a lot of people here have gone through what you are thinking to greater or lesser degrees at sometime in their coming out process. First you need to calm down, take deep breaths and clear your head. Whilst all these thoughts and emotions are whirling round in your mind you will never be able to think straight. It might help if you set down all the negative things you think of about telling your parents and all the positive and yes there are positive things (PM me if you can't think of any!). Once it is down in black and white things can seem much clearer. You don't want your parents to judge you well then don't judge them. You said it yourself, you don't know how they will react because they are neither screaming homophobes nor stand up supporters so... give them the benefit of the doubt. Yes the question of grandchildren will surely upset them for a while but your parents love you more than anything in the world, your happiness is paramount and they will come to see in time what a fine, strong, honest young man you are, who has faced up to this very difficult thing in his life and has accepted it fully and openly. You could try to live your life in denial and spend years in misery living a lie with your parents constantly worried about why you aren't happy, why your relationships don't last, where did they go wrong, etc. (we are a bit like that, parents). You will NOT rip your family apart, you may turn it upside down for a bit but things will right themselves in time with love and patience on both sides. I am pretty sure they won't throw you out of the house or disown you, trust your parents! Trust their love for you. One thing, do you really have to come out right now? Can you wait until things are clearer for you? (*hug*)
You know I think the pressure is much more difficult on only children when they are struggling to come out. I was thankful I had other children because I would have grandchildren. Yeah, selfish, I know. You are kind of young to be making the decision on whether you want children or not but if its not completely out of the question, I would simply assure your parents that there are other ways to have kids. You can even show them the great picture of my friend Charlie who is a member here. He and his partner have five children. There are some great books on gay dads out there too! So I do think you can give your parents some comfort if you think you might like to have children. You really shouldn't do it for them though. This has to be your decision and your life partners' decision. You are going to be the one raising them and it takes a lifetime committment.
I agree with everything Jim, Louise and Becky have said. In particular this point... If you or anyone in the UK feels there is a risk of being thrown out when coming out, PM me for my mobile number, then if the worst happens you can call me and I'll try to help you with the practical stuff (food and shelter) etc.
Wow you guys are so nice , but it really is a shame such services might actually be needed I do hope such a situation never happens to anybody.
So do I, and I'm sure for the vast majority of our members it won't be needed. However if anyone does we'll be pleased to help. Almost everyone who has posted about their coming out to their parents here has said it went better than expected. I can only remember one person being thrown out straight away, and he was back home the next day. Back to Martini, your parents sound quite similar to mine in that they were neither especially anti-gay or especially pro-gay. It was just something that they thought was not relevant to them so didn't give any real thought about. So I had no way of knowing how they would react. The difference though was that I was older and had left home so wasn't reliant on them in the way you are. Also my sister was engaged so there was the possibility of grandchildren from that direction. My mum was reasonably OK with it, but dad just ignored it and wouldn't speak about it. This was difficult for mum, but my sister (who was absolutely fine and not even surprised) helped her through, and in due course dad came round too. Is there any way you can try to gauge their reactions? Perhaps mentioning someone at college that's gay (make it up if there isn't anyone) or comment about a gay character in something on TV. As well as allowing you to gauge reaction it could also help to plant the seeds in their minds.
Thanks for all the advice so far peeps. (*hug*) I guess i don't have to, but at the moment i just feel like i am acting like somebody i am not around my parents. It's not essential that i tell them, but i can't see things getting any easier or less complicated if i don't. I just seem to worry more and more about their reactions every time i try and find a way of telling them. I think your pointing on not judging them is really good, and one i never actually thought of before. It just seems to like things could go uber wrong if they react badly, and if that does happen then i would be a bit doomed. :icon_sad: My nan has always been okay with issues like these, and i know i would be able to tell her and know she wouldn't tell them or react badly, but i just feel like my parents should be the first to know out of my family. If they reacted well to it and then found out they were the last to know, they would probably feel offended and upset that i couldn't tell them straight away. It's all a bit blah at the moment. I know i want to tell them, but i am just not very prepared for how they will react. The last thing i want to do is cause a massive drift in the family as well, even if it is a temporary one. It is hard to tell with them. They tend to make jokes about things like that. An example being that when they were in France for new year, they were telling me about some gay teenager who was with their tourist group. They weren't homophobic about him, but they did a few camp gay jokes on it, but they do that for everything anyway. I can't really think of any times they have been homophobic, but i have never really seen them in a serious situation like this where they can't make a joke. That's mainly why i am so unsure. Reading through what i have wrote, there is nothing that seems to suggest that they would react in a homophobic way, but i just can't help thinking about that possibility. :bang:
How about if your parents were the second to know? I'm thinking perhaps you should tell your nan first, then if (which is unlikely) your parents don't react as well as we think they will, you will have nan as a short-term "safety net".... somewhere you can go to get away for a day or two, and someone to talk to about it. Maybe also someone who could call your parents in this case and try to help you clear things up. This would be fairly similar to my sister when I came out to my parents, except she was their safety net rather than mine. I don't think your parents would be offended if the only person in the family who knew before them was your nan, especially if you and her are close. My parents certainly never expressed any offence that they weren't the first to know.
Possibly. I have never really thought about telling her first because we aren't exactly close. We don't dislike each other or anything, i've just never seen her as the person to talk to about problems. She would probably be the best person to talk to though. I know she would be the one person who definetly wouldn't react badly.
How well does she know your mum and dad? Maybe she would be able to tell you how she thinks they would react? This could be a good way to take the conversation. Ask her for advice on how she thinks they will react to you telling them that you're gay rather than telling her straight out that you're gay. It would also justify why she is told before mum and dad.
She knows them really well. She only lives a few minutes away so she says them on a regular basis. I'll have a think about how i can bring the topic up and hopefully start from there. Thanks for the advice everybody.
I've had the same thoughts, I tried to come out to my mother when I was 18 we talked and I decided I wasn't gay (mistake) I went to her crying about it so I guess she just wanted to make me feel better, so I went on dating women, then something happened when I moved to Vancouver at 21 someone asked me to a party but didn't tell me it was a bisexual party, I started to think that I was really gay that it was not just in my head I also started fantazing about my roomate but again I stayed in the closet (mistake#2). I moved back home and continued on dating women, then at 24 I had a falling out with this girl and one of my freinds at the time hugged me and the feeling I got from that hug was something I hadn't experience it was really good (not to say if you hug someone of the same sex means your gay) but anyway I came home told my family, Mother, Father and Sister all at the same time, I was crying again when I told them and my Father said I should leave town, which I think he said because he didn't want to see me hurt, well I moped around the house, and I felt like I had disappointed them so I went back into the closet again until this last summer when I finally couldn't deny myself anymore. So I told them again, first my sister and then my father and then a few friends but at this point they just told me you've told us this before. I guess what I'm saying is I thought my Father would disown me, but once he asked me why I didn't go to the gay pride parade and my Mother who died this past summer was talking to a close friend of hers whose brother is gay so see arranged for us to meet, he wasn't my type and we haven't talked since but she was out there talking about it. More than I was willing to do. Now my sister says it doesn't matter to her at all and she wants to arrange for me and one of her friends sisters who is gay to go out for a drink together. I had the thoughts about kids and the family name it bothered me, but I have a younger male cousin that shares my last name and he as a kid so that's solved. I was seeing someone and invited him over for Chritmas once and my parents didn't ignore us, I found out later that he was telling my parents what we did in bed ( I have know idea why he would do that that made me mad, imagine the embarrasment) My parents didn't make homophobic comments either and I was afraid to tell them, since my Father has made racial comments in the past and still does, but my sister is with a Jamacian man and they have 3 kids so that pressure is off. And he doesn't make comments about black people anymore which is funny because one of his friends was black, my Dad is kind of wierd that way. Know I'm afraid to tell my extended family but I will eventually, my father and I don't discuss my sexuality but we didn't discuss it when I was in the closet either, I think my parents just want me to be happy as well as everybody I've told. I still get worried that people will find out but I'm hoping that eventually I won't care what others think and move on. I know it's easier said than done because I'm not at all perfect but from what I've read and what I've experienced the people you think won't accept you do and the ones you think will sometimes don't, but you are still young. If your parents haven't been that hard on you on other issues like drinking, or partying to much the odds are that they are pretty liberal so they probably won't take it that hard, I'm sure they love you for you. Parents naturally worry about there kids safety at any age, so that's probably what they will be worried about. Take your time, feel out the situation, and slowly tell them. They might cry, they might get angry, they might just hug you. You might be surprised. I don't think you'll rip the family apart I thought about that to, that one would accept me and the other wouldn't and that may happen at first but I don't think they'll split apart because their son is gay. Mine didn't. Don't know if this helps, I guess I should have posted this on the coming out thread oh well. Be good to yourself.
