Okay, so this is quite the situation, and I just need some advice or support or something because I'm just thrown for a loop. To make a really long story slightly less long: Tonight was my brother's bachelor party and so he, my other brother, my cousin, an old friend, and future brother in law all went out to celebrate. We had dinner and then went to a strip club (it was fun despite my being gay). Everyone got pretty drunk except me, my oldest brother (the one not getting married) and my future brother-in-law. After the festivities ended, my oldest brother drove everyone back to his place and my future brother-in-law and I ended up being in the car together when he was driving me back to my car. He started asking a lot of questions about my sexuality and how being with a guy is different, etc. I had only met him once before at a family barbeque and he only found out tonight that I was gay. Fast forward, he says how extremely curious he is to experiment with a guy and when we get to my car he asks if we can talk more. I'm cool with it I'm happy to help. Then he comes out and says that he thinks that I'm "extremely hot" and that he really wants to know what it's like to be with a guy. My problem is that despite the fact that we are going to be related by marriage, he also has a child and step-child with my future sister-in-law (though they are not "officially" married). I was so shocked (one because I'm surprised anyone would find me "extremely hot" and two because I have a strict rule: I will NOT get involved with a man secretly or who is in a relationship already). I gracefully thanked him and told him that I just can't get involved with a committed man. He said that was cool and of course turned the car around as soon as I told him that. I went on to tell him as tactfully as possible that there is a difference between curiosity and actual attraction, and that he needs to do what is right for him. I told him that I came out because I didn't want to come out later and hurt the woman I may be with at the time. I also told him that even though I had become emotionally connected with women in the past, the physical attraction was just never there. I gave him my number and said he could call or text anytime he ever wanted to talk. I'd be lying if I said I don't find him attractive, and I hate to admit I really wanted to fool around with him (in fact his comments really turned me on). But I just couldn't do it, it just didn't feel right. Did I do the right thing? How do I go from here? ANY commentary is welcome, I just need any sort of help at this point! Nick
if it doesnt feel right dont do it. Is he marrying your older or younger sister? Either way, she needs to know about his sexuality, tell her so she doesnt make a grave mistake.
Nick, You absolutely did the right thing. And that's commendable and, unfortunately, not that common. If you're willing to take it on, I think it might be wise to spend some more time with him (provided you're certain you can resist any temptation to allow anything emotional or physical to happen.) He took a leap and reached out to you, which was probably *extremely* difficult for him, and he probably needs people to talk to that he knows won't judge him for what he's feeling and for the situation he's in. Of course we don't know what's going on in detail here, but if I were to guess, I'd guess he's gay or close to gay. And if so, he needs to start thinking about how to deal with that with his fiance... which he should really do before the marriage, if at all possible. One thought would be to talk to him and encourage him to join EC and post here. Another might be to suggest he go to a group for questioning men if there's one in your area. But you already sound like you've been able to provide some excellent insight for him, so just talking to you might help move him in the right direction.
I definitely agree with the above comments, you did the right thing, even if you were very tempted. I mean, who wouldn't be? He needs help with his sexuality and whether you are that help is another question. Like Chip said, I would advise him to join EC, do some research and try determine whether he is just curious or actually gay. The difference between those two could really save his and your sisters lives a lot of heartbreak. I feel like the problem is that he has maybe rushed into a relationship without exploring his feelings and is now engaged and confused about his sexuality at the same time, which doesn't provide him with any opportunity to work things out for himself. I wish you the best of luck and don't forget to post back!
I think there is some confusion here about who is marrying whom. It's Nick's brother who is marrying this guy's sister, right? It got confusing when Nick called this guy's (kind-of) wife his future sister-in-law - she wouldn't be that. She would just be his his sister-in-law's brother's wife(ish). I think a couple of the posters are reading it that your sister is marrying this guy. If I'm wrong on this, please correct me, Nick.
Well whoever the spouse is, they need to know that this guy isn't completely straight. I wouldn't just run up and say it though, I think you need to talk to him again and give him a chance to be a good fiance and tell her himself. And also give him the chance for you to maybe help him. And yeah you handled it very well
The way I read it, Nick's future sister-in-law has a brother, and it is this brother, who is also engaged to someone, that is having the issue.
Err this is what you don't want to do. It's not really much of a difference of you telling a girl friend that you slept with her boyfriend minus that you didn't actually sleep with him. I think if anything, let him tell her, not you. Telling her yourself, even if you think you're just protecting your sister could cause unwanted problems for the family. Trust me, if anything, tell him to tell her because it is between him and her, not him, her and you. But like the others I am a tad confused. Your future brother-in-law is marrying who? Your future sister-in-law? Is this the same woman marrying your brother? I'm just very confused with how you worded it.
Sorry for the confusion all. I wish I could draw a chart here... I have 2 brothers and no sisters, and I'm going to give you names (not real ones of course) to alleviate the confusion. We'll call my brother Bill and his future wife Susan. The guy in question (we'll call Joe) is Susan's brother-in-law (unofficially married to Susan's sister). It's awkward because he and I are both groomsmen so I don't know how to act when I see him again. I promised him I wouldn't tell any family member about this conversation and I intend to keep that promise. I really don't know him all too well yet so I don't know what advice to offer or how to offer it. I've only been out 3 months! I don't even know what the hell I'm doing yet let alone offer guidance to another questioning individual.
You did the right thing, fellow Denverite. My only further advice is to keep some distance between you two if you can. You don't have to run away from him or anything, but do your best to only be around him in group situations. It's not at all surprising that you were tempted by his offer, but you don't want to give that temptation any room to grow. Lex
You did exactly the right thing NickD. Good for you. I agree with Revan. But I would say to have a conversation with him and encourage him to rethink his marriage. Make sure he understands that you are VERY concerned about the situation and that you do not take it lightly. Not that he came on to you, but that your concern is for your sister and the harm that he is likely to bring to her. Don't let him get by with an "Oh I was just drunk." excuse. Hold him accountable. If he is gay, the marriage will be a disaster. If he is bi and does not tell her up front, his misery will manifest itself in strife for your sister.
I think everyone has given great advice. Just wanted to post to say you did the right thing, well done for not giving in to temptation as that would've potentially made everything even more complicated and hurt your sister too! Your a really good person
Ya know what? You need to give yourself more credit You've already made the smart and correct choice, and I absolutely think -- if you are willing to take it on -- that you do in fact have the wisdom and common sense to be able to help him. What matters, though, is whether you're ready to take that on. And sometimes it's not a "do I want to" but an "Am I feeling drawn and connected to take this on" sort of thing, so just look to whatever form of inner wisdom you use for guidance and go with that.
I really appreciate everyone's kind words here (as usual). But I have to admit that I kind of can't stop thinking about him. I keep wishing that he just would have kept quiet, but I guess I can't change the past lol. And I know that I'll see him again at the wedding, so I hope that it at least goes slightly smoothly...
If it's "I can't stop thinking about him, and reconsidering my refusal", then you really need to minimize contact. Down to zero if possible. Lex
I would definitely agree. Luckily we have pretty much zero contact anyway. It feels more like I really want to help him but don't know how. But the ball's in his court, and so I will leave it at that.
