I keep getting urges to tell my mum that I'm questioning my sexuality. Which proves that I'm stark raving mad. I'm not even sure about my sexuality, or even that comfortable with the idea that I might possibly like girls, so how could I find the words to explain to her, or expect her to be ok with everything when I'm not really. How could she take me seriously, when all I can say is that I'm not sure. It just seems to risky a thing to tell a family member unless I'm absolutely certain. I don't want to tell her and then turn out to be wrong. If I told her, then I couldn't be certain that that news would stop with her, because there would always be the chance that she would tell my dad. Besides which, now seems like a really bad time to tell her. We won't even be in the same country for another few months. It's just that I don't really keep secrets from her. At all. And now, even just by trying to figure things out, I keep finding myself lying to her. I've invented an entire fictitious group of friends that I apparently met at a pub, to explain away the fact that I didn't ring her for a few Fridays running. In reality I'd gone to an LGBT youth group, to try and see if that would help me figure everything out. I'm spending a ridiculous amount of time on EC at the moment, which keeps leaving huge gaps of time to explain. A couple of times when she's called I've been really upset about all this, but I just passed that off as missing home. (I'm on an exchange year abroad). Whenever she calls I keep finding myself watching what I say, whereas she is usually the only person in my life who I can speak to without filtering my words. Normally my mum is my support base. I don't think I've ever done anything difficult or upsetting without talking to her about it. I'm really missing that at the moment, but while my subconscious seems to keep daring me to tell her, my conscious mind is going-'Oh my God no, are you mad?'
