I apologize in advance because this is likely to be long. I need a chance to explain how I came to the conclusions that I've come too, what those conclusions were, and then how to move forward. Part of this is just me putting my own thoughts and feelings into order. I'm looking for general advice, though I also have some specific needs / questions which will be listed at the end. Alright. I've been hammering really hard at this emotional block that I seem to have, which I can only describe as running into an invisible wall. I think I finally figured out how to get around this emotional block, and the reason for it in the first place. However, before I get into those things let me describe what the emotional block actually is... I'm a horrific perfectionist. This is actually a recent discovery of mine. When I started going to therapy earlier this year, the first thing my therapist asked (on the first visit even) was if I considered myself to be a perfectionist. I told him that I didn't. As silly as it sounds, when he asked the question I envisioned someone working very hard to be their best. Yet, for me, nothing I do is "the best" - even if objectively speaking, it is superior to the other work around me. I will ALWAYS spot the flaws. However, I had to revise my understanding of perfectionism a bit over a month ago when I picked up Professor Brené Brown's book called The Gifts of Imperfection. Here is how she describes perfectionism: It was as if a bolt of lightning had struck me when I read those words. It was a "holy shit, that's me" moment. I actually printed out most of the chapter on perfectionism and took it in to my therapist, to point out to him how so many of the issues I have are tied up into being a perfectionist. My therapist actually told me that he thought that I might be a perfectionist several weeks prior, and that he was waiting to see if I would also figure it out. He wasn't quite ready for me to approach it yet. :bang: Yeah, that's what I felt like: :bang: So, anyway, I at least became aware of my perfectionist thoughts. I realized how they were actually undermining me at every single turn. As to what to do about it, I wasn't quite sure. But becoming aware of them I was certain was the first step. However, as I soon came to discover my perfectionist thinking isn't tied up in just setting goals. It's tied into everything, and it has been crippling for me in my life. Last week I saw Chip recommend a book on these forums to someone else, 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love, by Joe Kort, a Clinical Sexologist and Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in gay male relationships (and is himself gay). Despite the cheesy title it's actually a pretty helpful book. One of the core themes so far, is focusing on the issues that get in the way of us having strong and meaningful relationships with people that we love. It deals specifically with gay men, and how our families and society has shaped us into who we've grown up to become. I haven't read the entire book yet, as I'm taking my time because it's rather information dense, and also because as I've read it I've had to do some critical self-examination. I've never quite read a book that can occasionally take words verbatim from my brain. It's a bit upsetting, because it feels like someone has taken a mirror and held it up to my face... and I'm forced to see myself as I really am for the first time. Naturally as a perfectionist, I see every single flaw imaginable. So, as I'm reading it's like, "Holy shit. That's me." And "Holy shit. Fuck. That's me too." :icon_razz Anyway, there are lots of things that I've read that cut really deep. In more than one case, I've had to actually stop reading because I couldn't keep going. It wasn't that I wasn't AWARE of some of the issues that I have, it's just that I guess I've grown very skilled at ignoring them. Just so you're aware, Doctor Kort uses Jungian Archetypes to help describe personality traits. Those passages above describe me very well, and I think are at the root of my perfectionism. I strove very hard to be the "good child" - to make my parents and family proud. Not only that, I've striven to be the "perfect" in every relationship I've been in - the perfect friend, the perfect son, hell - I'm even striving to be the perfect patient with my therapist. Just to give an example of how bad it is, I'm actually realizing just how much I've been analyzing my therapist. I'm watching for his reactions to my "progress" because I'm doing two things. First, I'm secretly comparing myself to his other patients. I don't know his other patients, but I want to be "the best" patient - or rather the "perfect" patient - the one that makes amazing progress. Second, I want to make him feel like he's good at his job. I don't want him to feel like a failure if I don't succeed at something. If I think he feels like a failure then *I* have confirmation that I am also a failure. While in my mind I'm "never good enough", and I'm always failing, it's quite another thing for me to have that failure confirmed outwardly by someone else. This creates anxiety, and I draw upon that anxiety to push myself to perform, to be the best, and to please him. (Yes, I realize how f'ed up and twisted that is...) Things like this have impacted every relationship I've ever had. When it comes to friendship, I've made two types of friends. The first type of friend doesn't really give a shit about me, and uses me repeatedly. I, of course, willingly let myself be used. The second friend doesn't last very long. They're the type of friend who eventually learns to care for me, and when they see that I have problems and issues I end up pushing them away. In my personal relationships, because I'm always striving to be "perfect" it leaves me feeling exhausted. I never get what I need out of relationships, even though I put endless amounts of energy and effort into them. However, that is only because I never ask. I conceal my emotions and my problems. I push everything down, and lift other people up. I've come to learn that most people who get to know me genuinely like me. However, deep down I feel that if they really knew me, if they had to listen to my problems, they'd realize that a relationship with me wasn't worth it. I've learned ways to make other people feel great about themselves. I know how to make people laugh and smile. I seem to know when to do certain things to make people feel comfortable and special. I've even learned that if you ask people questions they'll talk endlessly about themselves and never focus on you, and when you walk away they'll become convinced that they "know" you so very well. When in reality you've said basically nothing about yourself. I guess this is because most people go through their lives without anyone taking the time to listen to them, to see or care about what they feel or think. When I take the time to do those things, they love it, and it makes them feel important and desired. They think that I care... and I do care. I do genuinely care. But I can't help but feel, in retrospect, that I've been unintentionally manipulative. As I've learned to elevate THEM, listen to THEIR problems, help them with THEIR issues, and make THEM the focus of attention - it takes all the pressure away from my problems, my issues, and keeps the focus off of me. My life is concealed, my feelings and emotions off limits. All of these things have been really hard and difficult revelations about myself. For someone who strives so hard to appear "perfect" to others (I'd describe it as striving to be "the best"), it's very hard to admit that I have some serious flaws. It's hard to admit that I've failed so badly. In my effort to be the "best / perfect" patient to my therapist, I've been pushing myself really hard to "fix" my problems. I was convinced that if I just had the right knowledge, that I'd come across the silver bullet. Fixing things would be easy, and that I'd be successful in overcoming all the issues I'm facing. That's what led me to the previously mentioned books. Unfortunately, I think that was just more perfectionist thinking. I had a mini-break down as I was reading 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love. Over a couple of days I began to dig really deep into my issues, and... that's when I realized the mistake that I was making. I understood what probably caused my emotional wall in the first place. I just couldn't figure out how to get around it. The mistake I was making was that I was seeking knowledge to make things easier. However, I realized that first of all I was seeking to gain as much knowledge as possible to avoid facing the issues head on. I was hoping to make them easier, because dealing with my issues is painful. I'm used to suppressing and ignoring them. Second, and perhaps most importantly, no matter how much knowledge I gained it wasn't going to help me. My issue is NOT a lack of knowledge. It's a lack of skill. I basically see people as dividing themselves between talents, knowledge and skills. Talents are the innate things you are born with, things that make you excel beyond the average person. (Everyone has talents somewhere.) Knowledge is information that you gather either through learning or through experience. Skill is something you obtain through experience alone. I can gain as much knowledge as I want, but until I actually put myself in situations to improve my emotional skills, it's not going to do me any good. Yet, this raises issues and problems. I avoid situations where I have to be emotionally vulnerable. Because of my perfectionist thinking, I tend to strive for the "big stuff" - kinda like the kid who can't swim going up to the diving board and jumping off - but the truth is I'm not ready for the big stuff yet. I need something to build up my skill... I'm just not sure what. I'm also not sure how to overcome my issues of - well for a lack of a better way of putting it - "lack of courage" - in dealing with being honest, open, and vulnerable. I don't really have a "How-To" plan. So, what I am looking for here on these forums? Well, first I'm looking for people who've gone through similar things. I'm interested in hearing the thoughts and experiences of others. Second, I'm looking for general advice as well as specific advice. And third, most of all I just needed a place to organize my thoughts.
This post itself seems like you worked so hard to 'perfect it'. Buddy, post a reply with a single word, and then see what happens, see how u feel.
lilyoflife, great advise with the one word thing. Looking forward to that. Aldrick, stop trying to organize your thoughts. The randomness of spontaneity is a wonderful thing. I think, for whatever it is worth, which isn't much, that the only question you need to ask yourself is: why do you need to beat yourself up so badly and so often? Stop it, just stop it. Yeah, I use to do it too. In a different way, but for the same reasons I do believe.
Aldrick, Wow, reading your post was as if someone was describing myself to me. We have some very close similarities. I am a horrible perfectionist. It has held me back for most my adult life. It has held me back from being a more active member on this site, I have wanted to comment hundreds of times on so many things. Many being other posts of yours that you have written. What held me back was not saying the perfect thing or as pathetic as it may sound having misspelled words or poorly written sentences. I never realized I was a perfectionist it was my therapist that brought me to that realization. I always thought perfectionist were highly successful , highly motivated, extremely intelligent individuals. I didn’t realize my harsh judgment of everything I do, or say, or act was me being a perfectionist. My perfectionism brought me to have a melt down about two months ago. I have been in therapy for about 8 months and my therapist is absolutely amazing. I cannot imagine where I would be if I had not found her. I have Google to thank for that. I have been dealing with lots of things in therapy. I did not realize the strain physically and mentally that one can be under when dealing with some severe childhood trauma, and some fairly substantial social phobia and anxiety disorders.(oh, and also dealing with one’s sexuality) I have not made a friend since I was twelve years old. I do not allow people to become my friend because that involves me being vulnerable and exposed. I am well liked when I meet new people I’m always told by my sisters or parents or whomever that so and so enjoyed meeting me or thought I was funny and nice, or handsome, but in my head all I think is ha!!! Fooled yet another. I feel if I let anyone close enough to see the real me, the me that I know they won’t like it so why bother. I do however feel up most my free time by doing things for people, projects on their homes, moving , listening or whatever because I feel my actions and accomplishments prove who I really am. And by doing all these projects to stay busy I don’t take time to realize the life that’s passing me by. I know exactly where you’re coming from when trying to be the perfect patient for you therapist. It got to a point where I realized I was holding back because I didn’t want to taint her view of me. And I finally had to bring it up to her because I was not getting where I wanted to go with my therapy. And that is when the true healing started. When I let open the gates of everything I had been holding back, when I was no longer worried about overwhelming her, or doing or saying something to make her think less of me. When I learned to finally lean on her and trust her training and expertise that is when I started to finally get the help I needed. Therapy is unique at least to me it is. It is hard to measure your accomplishment or your healing. There is really no tangible evidence to witness. To me It comes to me when I realized I just have done something I never would have done. Or when I start to notice how I can let imperfections slide. That some things can actually be good enough. The frustrating part about therapy for me was and is that I have finally acknowledged and started to understand my negative and incorrect thought processes. It is hard to change 27 years of the same way of thinking or acting, I feel lost I don’t know really who I am, because many of my normal way of doing things are harmful to me. I truly feel like I don’t know how to think or perceive situations or act on certain things, because I have acknowledged, that the way I had been doing so many things had been emotionally unhealthy. I’ve brought this up with my therapist and she says that is exactly it. Now that I can finally see how negatively I have been thinking about myself or perceiving certain things, now that it has been brought to my attention it will basically just take time. I can now stop myself from thinking horrible thoughts about myself and I can recognize when I am being over critical of my work or whatever it is I’m being critical over. It really comes down now to time. It will take time for my mind to adjust to a more proper and healthy way of thinking. It just takes and active attempt on my part to stop it when I fall back into old thought habits or perfectionist mode. I however am in the same boat as you with regards to putting myself out there. I have put up a wall for so long I don’t know how to take it down. I imagine one brick at a time the same way I put it up. I attended the pride parade this year with my sister and her friends and it was a lot of fun. Typically the crowd and people would have freaked me out, but I’m really proud of myself that I made it through it. My therapist is always telling me to try out things associated with our local lgbt center but that terrifies me to be honest and I cant help but imagine I would be to old. I don’t know any gay people other than an aunt so I don’t really know where to go from here. I really hope that I have not just rambled on endlessly and that some of this makes sense or is in anyway useful or helpful. Something about this post just made me want to finally respond.
You're only 27! Excuse me while I go hang myself. :roflmao: Oh no, wait, I can't. I have to be at the Cancer Center, where I volunteer, tomorrow at 9:00. AND THE LGBT CENTER WEDNESDAY AT NOON.
Aldrick (and Adhawk)... First, it takes incredible courage just to speak about this stuff. I remember when I was going through much of the same in therapy (right down to the "I just need to figure out what to change, and I'll be fine" thing) and when I realized just how "broken" I was... it was devastating. But, at the risk of getting punched by somebody who is tired of my talking about Brene Brown... since I have delved deeper into her work and come to understand the whole of it better, I honestly believe that she has, through her research, cut through a LOT of mumbo-jumbo about psychological theory and gotten directly to the core, the origin, of a *huge* amount of our discomfort about ourselves. So here's a shortcut (which, Aldrick, you may already have run into, as I believe she talks about it in Gifts of Imperfection): Perfectionism is shame. Or, more precisely, it is a defense against shame. Because at its core, the desire to be "the best patient" in psychotherapy, or the most recognized employee at work, or the best student in school... ALL of those issues are shame-based. It is the fear that we are not good enough, that we don't "belong," that we are a fraud, that we're a sorry excuse for a human being... whatever way it manifests, it's shame. So, at its core, shame is the fear of not belonging. And so, in our desperate efforts to "belong" we instead seek to "fit in" as a stand-in for "belonging." But they are not even close to the same. For perfectionists, this manifests as "If I do this well enough, people will like me, and then I'll belong" or "If I do this enough, my mom will love me and recognize me for my achievements" or "If I'm perfect, then I will feel good about myself and I won't have to worry." But... that doesn't work. Because the more we try to be perfect, the more we realize we can't be...which just makes the cycle repeat. And when we fail at being perfect (which we inevitably do), we're even more ashamed. Because then, it feeds back into the "I'm not good enough" mantra that's running all the time in the background anyway, feeding and driving the perfectionism, and the desire to fit in, and the need and desire to be liked. So the first antidote is to own the shame, and as Dr. Brown says, to regularly and consistently "speak shame." The more we talk about it, the more we dissipate it, and the less it controls us. The second antidote is to recognize the "fitting in" behaviors (which, according to Dr. Brown's research, we *all* have, and we *all* do) and begin changing them. Taking little steps to acknowledge our imperfection, to talk about the things that embarrass us, and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Because it is only then that we are being truly authentic, and it is only when we are being authentic, and vulnerable, that we can truly "belong." And it is when we "belong", as our imperfect-but-enough selves, that we can truly feel connection, and the happiness tha comes with it. Don't be upset with your therapist for not offering up the suggestions. Most therapists aren't very proactive with that sort of thing, in part because they don't want to be directive, and they want to ensure the therapy progresses at the speed that the client can handle it. But... that said, I will say that unfortunately, there are not many therapists who are familiar with shame and vulnerability research. I believe that will be changing over the next years. But until then, you can benefit from continuing to explore yourself, talk about issues here, encourage your therapist, if s/he is not already familiar with it, to read up on Dr. Brown's research, and start working to begin to follow the guideposts at the end of Gifts of Imperfection.
You all have opened my eyes to my perfectionism.I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack right now just from this realization.I'm sorry to the OP that I have no advice for you cause I'm obviously just getting into this,but myself and the people above me are letting you know at least that you are not alone in it.
Well, I must first congratulate you on figuring out what was wrong. That takes a lotta guts. I think you should try being spontaneous for once. Try something new and don't think about whether or not you should or what could happen. If you ever feel unsure about if you should post a thread or comment just do it anyway. Being perfect, doing the best for everyone else is by looking after yourself. You never completely know how to give them the best life possible but you can do that for yourself, and make the world a better place by living a full life. You can help yourself a million times more than you can help anyone else. I don't know what effect these words will have on you but I know how to make myself feel better. You have the Power to boost your own self-esteem. Mistakes are what define us, and the great are distinguished by how they learn from them.
For me it was an ongoing drive to do everything better than anyone else. By "anyone else" I mean my siblings, cousins, friends, even my parents. I had no idea that I was doing that. When I figured it out, I also figured out what my motivation was; if I did everything better, they would respect me. The thing is, all of those people already loved me, but I didn't understand love. That drive consumed me. It drove me to the brink of disaster. I used to have this "slogan" that ran through my mind continuously; "Into perfection." Those 2 words were like a manta to me. But no one can accomplish perfection. And no one needs to. No one should live with that impossible goal. I worked for a very large, household name, nationally known, financial institution. For the last several years of employment, before I retired, I headed a group that owned processes that thousands of other employees used. The whole setup was somewhat esoteric. We did not produce widgets, we owned a process. Of course, I was a purest. The processes had to remain pure and, well, perfect. I drove my business partners nuts. But I made myself even more nuts. I had a total break down. Between the job and what I was doing at home, I drove myself crazy. No exaggeration. That is when I came to the realization that I was broken. Therapy helped, but I had to retire earlier than I had planned. I just had to let go. It has been three years now, and guess what? I still sometimes wonder if they are keeping the process pure. In my mind I figure they have let it go to hell and that still kind of bugs me. But I have let go of so much over the past three years and have learned to let things be what they are. One of the best things you can do is help other people. Helping others clears your mind in a beautiful way. It gets you out of your own skin in ways that you can't imagine. You learn more than any school can teach. You will make large strides in your therapy. Volunteer somewhere for something. The smallest thing even for a short time once a week. We are so wrapped up in ourselves that moving outside of one's self is a huge step. You learn first-hand that it is not "all about me." It makes me extremely happy. It puts my own life in a new perspective. It is not about me and no one expects me to be perfect, so why should I?
I know how you feel, as I was awakened about my avoidance and anxiety issues two years ago. All the advice I can give you: others opinions don't matter more than yours do.
Thanks to everyone who responded. I'll try to respond by hitting on the relevant points everyone made. :lol: I didn't do anything I don't normally do when posting. I simply spell checked and proof read what I wrote to make sure it made sense. Don't most people do that before posting? (If not, then... lol. It's worse than I imagined.) I'm not sure I can post a single word reply. Unless it's simply along the lines of: Yes, No, True, False, or WTF. Suggestions of spontaneity were made, yours was the first. I definitely think I could use more spontaneity in my life. I'm not sure what yet. I'll have to think about it, but something to break my usual routine would be interesting and beneficial, I think. If I could stop it, then it wouldn't be a problem. I think it's pretty self-evident that when I spot problems I tend to hone in on them and fix them. In fact, trying to stop it and fix the problem is the entire reason behind this thread. If it were as easy as flipping a switch, I'd have flipped it the moment I realized the issue. The reason it can't be stopped like that is because it's habitual. It's become part of my way of thinking, and I'm going to have to build new habits and ways of thinking to eliminate and replace the old ways. This is the source of frustration. Yeah, that's pretty much how I approach things as well. I feel as if I need to earn approval, respect, and love. The seed of the problem seems to start with the thinking, "I am not inherently worthy, and therefore I must prove my worth. In proving my worth, I'll earn respect, approval, and love." It seems to come from a lack of inherent self-worth and confidence. Something I am going to practice to combat this is to begin attacking thoughts that cut me down. I'm more critical of myself than anyone I've ever known. I'm thinking about searching the internet for inspirational quotes on self-worth, and plastering them where I'd have to constantly see them - to be reminded. I can completely relate. However, I think our personalities differ in that I typically choose the non-confrontational route. I don't want people to think of me as anal, so more often than not if possible I'll do as much as I can on my own. Even if it means taking up the load of others. First, it's to impress them (and earn their respect / approval). It's also to prove that I like to work hard, and that I'm not lazy. (I constantly attack myself for fear that I am lazy.) Second, it's because it irks the hell out of me sometimes when people are doing something wrong. I can easily become convinced that there is one "correct" way to do something. People actually have no idea how anal I am, but it infuses into everything. It actually slows me down as I spend inordinate amounts of time on trivial tasks at the expense of more important ones. Why? Because it has to be done -RIGHT- (i.e. perfect). This is how I escape, too. I turn my focus onto other people. Other people's problems and issues quickly become my own. I won't lie - it helps me escape my problems and issues. It's a huge relief. But it's just an escape, it doesn't make them go away, and it's a way to avoid dealing with them head on. I'm trying to practice being selfish for once. (Assuming I haven't been selfish all along.) I'm trying to teach myself to say, "No." When someone comes to me and asks for help, instead of my default, "Sure. Absolutely. It isn't a problem at all." (When in reality it's a huge problem, I'm just not capable of saying no, afraid of looking like I can't handle something or letting someone down.) No, I think it's time for me to stop putting the focus on others. Instead I need to put the focus on myself. It's time for my problems, my issues, and not someone else's. I can totally identify with that. I can't tell you how many times I've actually written something, didn't think it was good enough, so I deleted the entire thing and said nothing. Hell, every time I post I worry over if I sounded stupid. I'm forcing myself to post about my personal life and problems. There is no way in hell I could ever admit to any of this in person. I struggle as it is with talking about it with my therapist. I think it comes from the constant negativity I have going around in my head. Never good enough, never smart enough, or too much of this, and not enough of that. My big fear is that someone will actually speak up and confirm my fear. "Yes, you really are as stupid as you think, and here is why..." To get through it, I just take a deep breath and jump. I try and harden my heart against attacks and vulnerability. I've yet to figure out a better way. That's exactly what I thought as well. I think as a society and a culture we admire "perfection." I certainly did. I thought I was being "good" and striving to be "my best" - but the difference between striving to be your best and perfectionism is that one is internal and the other external. Perfectionism seems to be about what other people think. It's more of a... performance. As if I'm striving to "be my best" for the approval, respect, and love of others rather than for myself. It seems to tie into self-worth. "If I don't make an 'A' on this test, then everyone is going to realize just how stupid I really am." I'm in the same boat. Therapy is helping me as well. Of course, I didn't enter into therapy for the reasons I'm still there for... I thought I had Adult ADD or something, because I was having trouble focusing. I went to the doctor, and he said that I needed to see someone to be evaluated. It turns out that having massive amounts of anxiety can cause the same type of symptoms. So, that's where it started. I began going in January of this year, though my goal at the time was to be "cured" by August or at least by the end of the year. It doesn't seem like that's going to happen, and it's one reason I've been pushing myself so hard. As I've read the responses, I think I realized that I might even be fighting against the process. Rather than trying to take things slow, and solve issues one at a time, I'm trying to solve them all at once. (Hence my search for a silver bullet.) I think I need to relax and just let things progress at their own pace. Stop trying to plan ahead. Focus only on what is sitting on my plate right now. Ugh, this is going to suck so bad. I have issues with friends and relationships as well, as I pointed out. I can see how my issues have impacted every relationship I've ever had - even the relationship with my family. I'm convinced that at the core is a fear of vulnerability. It's an issue that I am forcing myself to work on... it's one reason I'm posting here. Simply by admitting my problems, even if anonymously, is difficult for me. I have the same experience. I've actually overheard people talking about me. One comment that's stuck with me for awhile was when someone said I was the smartest person that they knew. I was actually dumbfounded. I couldn't believe it. I know that people genuinely like being around me, because if I'm invited somewhere and I don't show up, people always tell me that everyone was asking and wondering where I was... I'm actually a completely different person when I'm out in a group. My problems seem to melt away. The way I think changes, the way I act changes, and I have to say - I feel invigorated. The sad part is that I'm not sure if that's who I really am, or if that's just a mask I've created. I'm the same exact way. I'll give all of my time and energy to someone else, and leave none for myself. I ask for nothing in return, because I expect nothing in return. Sometimes, though, especially in some of my relationships this creates people who depend upon me. All of their drama and issues fall into my lap, and slowly but surely I grow resentful. My resentment is caused by the feeling that I give more than I receive in return, and I start to feel used. You actually helped me realize that I'm doing the EXACT same thing. Ugh. Damn it. I was crafting excuses, but you're right. The whole reason I am having trouble opening up completely with my therapist is because I'm afraid of his view of me being tainted. That's why I'm striving to be the "perfect patient." I knew what I was doing, but you helped me figure out the why. I'm in the same boat. I'm about to turn thirty in July. This was my big motivator to finally seek help for what I thought was "Adult ADD" which in reality turned out to be massive anxiety (caused by various self-created factors). That might be the only way... which sucks, because I was looking for the sledgehammer. You should do it. You're not too old. I wish there was a local LGBT Center close to me; the nearest one is an hour away. I've actually been searching for some gay men's support group - maybe for group therapy even. I haven't found one, but I think something like that would help me greatly. I need a safe place where I can just force myself to be vulnerable to build up skill. I don't think I can just begin incorporating it in a big way into my everyday life. At least not yet. I'm glad I could help, I guess. I just hate that you're about to have a panic attack as a result! It's actually not that bad, because if you do have a problem once you identify it then you can work on solving it. If there is one thing I think I've learned; ignoring your problems doesn't solve them or make them go away. If you have any questions, I'll answer them if I can. I didn't set out to do it on purpose. Once I started down the path, it became quite difficult to turn back. If nothing else, an overwhelming desire to "fix" myself pushed me forward. Well, that and to be the "perfect patient" for my therapist. Thanks for the credit anyway. As I said previously, I'll have to think about being spontaneous somehow. (LOL. That kinda defeats the point, doesn't it?) I never really realized how non-spontaneous that I was until you guys asked me to try to be spontaneous. I guess an opportunity will present itself sometime in the future. Thanks again for your response, Calico. I'll take your words to heart. It is hard. But I am also glad I am doing it. In the end, I hope I'll be a stronger and better person. I wasn't expecting to find all the issues that I did, but I guess if you spend most of your life ignoring your problems they tend to pile up. Don't worry. I found about Professor Brown on these forums as well; someone linked to her Ted Talks. I watched them, hunted down some other videos with her talking about her research online... and knew I had to get the book. So I did. It was worth the time and investment. I've read it from cover to cover in a single sitting, and I'm now working through it more slowly trying to make sure I adsorb all the information. I'm also grateful for the suggestion you made to someone else about picking up 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love by Joe Kort. That book in conjunction with Professor Brown's has been extremely valuable - especially when both are used together. That's my plan. I just need to do it often and frequently. It's one reason I'm forcing myself to share my problems on these forums. In my effort to create shame-resilience, whenever I address someone else's problem, I try (if possible) to dig a relevant example from my life. Something that is comparable - both because it's the best way to let people know that you understand, but also because I'm trying to practice sharing. This is the big issue I'm having. I'm not sure exactly how to change them, and often my behaviors and thoughts are so habitual that I don't even think about it until later. That's when I re-examine my thoughts and actions and realize the motivations behind them. Generally, in the middle of a situation, I'm just focused on reacting - not the thoughts behind it. I need a way to catch myself, and immediately correct my thinking. Yeah, he wasn't expecting me to jump ahead the way that I did. At the time I was proud of that fact, "Yes! I'm making progress! Don't you see how good of a patient I am? I'm moving faster than you thought I would!" Now in retrospect, after realizing my motivation behind it - the desire to be the "perfect patient" - it's kinda sad. Thanks for the advice everyone gave. I'm going to try and take as much of it as possible to heart.
Aah, Joe Kort's book. I have fond memories of the first time I read it. It felt like being hit in the stomach with a sledgehammer. Repeatedly. But it was, in retrospect, definitely an experience I needed. Relieving to see that the mini-breakdown is a common reaction to it Brene Brown came slightly too late for me to be as much as a revelation as Kort (I had already talked extensively with a therapist and friends about things like shame, self-doubt etc... which provided a great start). Still pretty interesting and useful, though. I wouldn't really call myself a perfectionist. More of an overachiever: as long as my work is better than everyone else's, I considered it good enough. Then again, maybe always seeing that it could be more perfect is the exact hallmark of a perfectionist after all... I'm not going to repeat the excellent discussion and advice above, but instead I'll offer some examples of the first bricks I knocked out of the wall. Pretty minor things, almost perfectly risk-free, but if I look back, they are what started my move to healthier friendships and relationships. (And I was 26 or 27 at the time. So don't let anyone tell you that it's too late!) - Maybe first of all: I tried making "never regret!" my mantra. In a way, regret is saying "but I could have done it more perfectly!!!". Instead, I tried to see everything I did as steps towards something better. Not every step was great, or perfect, or even in the right direction, but all taken together, they are going in the right way. I also do the same before any choice. I weigh pros and cons, but then accept that I did the best with the information I was given, and that it's better to learn from the consequences than get frozen in trying to make it perfect. - I didn't really lay myself bare day one to my friends and family, but I made small steps to occasionally not fit the mold. Minor disagreements, which I didn't push, but still: making an effort to present a dissenting opinion. When going to the movie theater, suggesting a different movie from the consensus seems like a ridiculously small thing, but it is something I'd never have done beforehand. Every time, I noticed how the sky didn't fall. And even how sometimes they said "Excellent idea! Didn't think of that. Let's go with Filip's suggestion!" - I still remember the first time I ever talked about my issues. Again, a minor thing, but it was a start. In a discussion about childhood crushes, some of my friends got into how it was to have girls crushing on them. they described a mix of temptation and adventure and generally feeling honoured. at which point I remarked: "All I ever felt if a girl showed even minor signs of attraction was pure terror, to be honest..." Slight shock as half the gazes around the table turned to me quizzically, and I was asked to expand on that (to them) puzzling statement. I do think it was an eye-opener for them to discover that while I was there for some of the same things when we were younger, I experienced them totally differently. Again: that was pretty safe. It wasn't a current issue. It had been ages since I ever felt this terror I spoke of. I wasn't really opening up who I am NOW. But it was a start. Over time, I got better and better at it, until now I can talk to them even about things that are currently occupying my mind. Not all (old habits die hard), but certainly a lot. - And you know this, but it bears repeating: letting go of perfection cannot, itself, be done perfectly. Just always remind yourself that every mistake, every imperfection, is itself a great story that makes you more human and more relatable. I feel more connected with my friends by joint mistakes than by the stories of how I saved the day for all of them. Finally... rereading this, I am fully aware I'm doing what I caution against. I limit myself to the things that worked for me, and the things I consider sage advice. The story of "How Filip conquered all his woes in one grand march forward" So let me tell you that there was also no shortage of failures. One time, I decided that a project was good enough, right as my boss was watching and it actually needed to be perfect. There was this time where I tried being honest, and my story about just how insulted I felt one time about a homophobic remark of his totally hurt my brother. There was this time when me not being available for help got a friend in more serious trouble than he had to be in. Then again, each of these instances taught me more than perfectionism ever did...
Filip thank you SO MUCH for your post. This is exactly what I needed. My entire mental outlook is colored by perfectionist thinking, and so when I try to imagine ways to deal with it I'm looking for "perfect" solutions. It's really messed up, and as a result I was really struggling to find ways to start fighting against it. Just to give an example, I've considered starting a journal, a place to write down my thoughts, feelings, and ideas. But though the concept started out simple, it grew rapidly to me seeking things to fill my journal with, because I felt I needed to write in it daily or it wouldn't be of much use. Yeah, it's that bad. So thanks on your simple suggestions that I can start with.
