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I know I'm gay, but my exgirlfriend can't deal with it

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by burritotheclown, Jun 17, 2012.

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  1. burritotheclown

    burritotheclown
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    So here's my problem. Up until about 4 months ago, I was unsure if I were gay or bi or whatever. I'd realized for quite awhile that I was attracted to the same sex and that being with a woman made me feel strange, but I wasnt sure. But anyways, back in December my girlfriend at the time broke up with me due to issues that came up due to my sexuality and her lack of trust. I then went on to date a guy for a short while and it was great. It felt right. But when the exgirlfriend found out me and this guy had sex, she went off. We had been in a relationship for 3 years before she broke up with me, so regardless of sexuality or whatever, I still had strong feelings for her. So I ended up breaking up with the guy I was so happy with :frowning2: She made me feel so guilty I felt miserable for a month straight. She claimed I had cheated on her (I know, it makes no sense to me either). But I didnt disagree. I should have. Anyways, ever since then she has tried to restart a relationship with me. At first I didnt resist, but the closer she tried to get to me, the more I realized I am gay. Like completely. I tried explaining it to her, but she would start crying and telling me that I was her soulmate and we were meant to be together, etc. Then it would be like I never said anything. On top of that, she keeps guilting me into having sex with her. I dont know how she makes me feel so bad. And you would think she would figure something out due to me not being able to "get it up." She has told me her goal is for us to really get back together when she "trusts me." I can't do that. It doesnt feel right. I dont want to have sex with her anymore. I dont want to be in a relationship with her again. The problem is I still really care about her. We were together for 3 years. I put her through a lot when I first really started dealing with my sexuality. She was there for me during some of my roughest moments in the past few years. I dont want to hurt her, but I know this isnt going to work. I know it would be better for both of us if she could just come to terms with this. I know its hurting her and it is definately hurting me. What can I do make her realize that Im gay and to ease some of her stress with this? Im sure a lot of this isnt clear, so if you have questions, just ask.

    PS- This isnt some adolescent angst. She is a college graduate and I am only a few years from my master's.
     
    #1 burritotheclown, Jun 17, 2012
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi, and welcome to EC.

    OK, here's some thoughts. Maybe a little bit harsh, but please don't take them that way, I'm trying to get the thoughts out in shorthand form.

    First, your girlfriend has nonexistent boundaries, and yours aren't the best either. You BROKE UP with your girlfriend, and SHE HAS ISSUES WITH YOUR HAVING SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE, and thinks you cheated. First, that's bullshit. Second, that also clearly means she doesn't understand what "broken up" means.

    Secondly, you're broken up with her, so why in the fuck are you having sex (or trying to), and why in the fuck are you giving into *any* of her wishes? You're gay, she's a woman. This isn't going to go anywhere.

    Basically, she's manipulating the hell out of you, and apparently it is really uncomfortable for you to be confrontational to the point of telling it like it is. But nothing short of that is going to work, because she is in denial, and, to boot, has really terrible boundaries and is stepping all over you.

    Here's a clip from Family Guy (sorry for the abysmal quality, it's the only one I could find as they've been pulling them down for copyright infringement) that perfectly describes what you need to say:

    [youtube]UEAClFzRh_8[/youtube]

    Only somewhat tongue-in-cheek.

    The bottom line is, you may have to be really harsh, and even put up with her being really angry and hurt for a while, because people with no boundaries generally totally freak out when someone sets firm boundaries. But there's no way around it. And ultimately, if you really care about her, this is for *her* as much as it is for you, because once she figures out it can never be... she can move on and find someone who will love her.
     
    #2 Chip, Jun 17, 2012
  3. Hawthorne

    Hawthorne
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    What Chip said is completely right, You do not need to be an asshole about it but you also do not need to be passive. You must tell her that you are done and there will never ever be a you and her ever again for the sake of your and her mental stability which looks like it is an issue for her. Also being manipulated into a relationship like she is trying to do is just absolutely scum like which makes my heart bleed for you. I sincerely hope that you take Chips advice and tell her because this is not only a tough time for her but it requires healing time for you which is what is more important than anything.
     
    #3 Hawthorne, Jun 18, 2012
  4. ilayis

    ilayis
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    ^^^^What Hawthorne said
     
    #4 ilayis, Jun 18, 2012
  5. awesomeyodais

    awesomeyodais
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    Some people seem to be able to remain friends (or at least civilized acquaintances) after splitting up - doesn't sound like she's one of them however. In her defense, the fact she lost you to another dude rather than some other girl is probably really doing a number on her, because whether she's figured it out consciously or subconsiously, she's not competing with some other girl, she is completely "out of the race" now. As the previous posters said make things crystal clear then step back and give yourselves time to heal and move on separately. Best of luck.
     
    #5 awesomeyodais, Jun 18, 2012
  6. Hawthorne

    Hawthorne
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    Also please let us know what happens so we can be here for you if you need more help or advice it would be great to know everything that happens because we will be here for you.
     
    #6 Hawthorne, Jun 18, 2012
  7. burritotheclown

    burritotheclown
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    I know the whole situation is bullshit. And I really dont want to have sex with her. It literally makes me sick. Guilt makes you do stupid things. And Ive tried both being easy on her and telling her off. Like I said she breaks down crying and then the next day acts like we never had the conversation. I feel completely incompetant for not knowing how to deal with this. I feel like the only way to end this is not to just put my foot down, but stomp all over her
     
    #7 burritotheclown, Jun 18, 2012
  8. Hawthorne

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    Well there is another option which is extremely hurtful but it would work and I do not suggest it but drop her. Stop returning calls stop replying stop every form of contact with her it would work but it is extremely hurtful but it would get the message across.
     
    #8 Hawthorne, Jun 18, 2012
  9. Lexington

    Lexington
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    You don't have to be an asshole about it. You can just cut contact. "It's clear you're having issues with this, so I think it's best we just don't talk to each other for awhile." And then, just don't talk to her for awhile. If she contacts you, e-mails you, texts you, just stick with "I think it's best we just don't talk to each other for awhile."

    Lex
     
    #9 Lexington, Jun 18, 2012
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