Hey everyone, I'm only out to a few people at university thanks to a 2 for 1 deal on Tesco wine. But back at home no one knows I'm gay at all. My best friends are a group of guys I have back at home. We're all very close, almost like brothers. They are masculine, sporty and great guys. I can totally be myself around them (well not totally of course) and we've always got each others backs. We're all part of a bigger friendship circle as well, but I'd say they're my best friends within that group. The thing is if I came out I know they would be accepting. They're good guys. What I worry about is if it changes the dynamic of our group of friends. You know we all hang out and sometimes it might be 1 on 1 (theres about 6 of us). What if they feel a bit awkward hanging out one on one, or maybe just little things that will change during this whole coming out thing. Like if people where we live assume i'm dating one of them cause we're together a lot. I don't want them to have to take any heat for me being gay. I know it may seem like I'm making a mountain of a molehill but I like the realtionship we all have. I don't want it to change or be awkward in any way. Anyone else worried that coming out could alter some friendships forever? I could really use advice if people have went through similar stuff. Thanks in advance.
I think everyone worries about that at some point or another, so it's definitely not uncommon. I've got a couple guy friends like that who I've told now and it hasn't changed a thing. If anything, it just means they can make different double entendres and I have more people I can talk to about serious stuff, if I need. There's no set advice here, since you know they'll be accepting, so I'll just throw out a couple ideas. Maybe it'll quell your nerves a bit: - If you're like them, which by the sounds of it is not a stereotypical gay guy, there's no reason for people to assume you're dating one of them in the near future unless they're already assuming it now. And if they are, is it causing any problems for you? Seems like if they are, you don't even know, so it can't be that big of a deal. - It might be a bit awkward hanging out one on one at first, but if you think it'll be an issue, just make it very clear that you're not interested in them that way. That should clear any misconceptions that you're going to hit on any guy that moves, since you're "now out". - Additionally, just because you come out doesn't mean your life suddenly revolves around being gay. Things will more likely than not go back to the way they were before. You'll hang out and stuff as usual. All it means is that if you feel comfortable, now you can talk about who you actually like if the subject of girls comes up. - Finally, and definitely the most important point: if they're your friends, they won't mind taking heat for you being gay. On the contrary, they'll probably be the ones sticking up for you (voluntarily taking that heat) if you were suddenly under fire for it. It's nice of you to be considerate for them, but I'd hope they care more about your friendship than what some stranger thinks they may or may not be doing with you. Honestly, there was a bit of awkwardness shortly after my coming out to my friends (guys or otherwise), but in retrospect it was largely due to my thinking they would find it awkward and internalizing that awkward mentality, if that makes any sense. Things returned very much to normal after I told them, for them at least. Didn't phase them in the least. Even the first person/guy I told, I left a note and was waiting to hear a response from him with no luck... long story short, he sent me one but it never went through. But, we ate dinner the same time as usual the next day, he sat down and talked like nothing changed, whereas I was freaking out beside him since I had no idea where we stood. The point of that blurb is that being gay is more often than not a waaaaaaay bigger deal for us than it is for anyone else.
Hey Budder! thanks alot man. Reading through your advice really was like talking to my little shoulder angel thats saying " just come out" and then says all the other points you made. It's kinda just having to get the nerv to do it. I hate being the center of attension, and that's basically what you become when you need to tell people. It's just hard to deal with the fact that I need to sit them down or something and tell them. And then once it's out you need face it all, no taking it back. Just freaks me out just a tad.
While everyone has a different experience and only you know your friends best, I would say it's healthier to do it. Here was the result of me coming out to my best friend. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/58181-7000-pound-weight-finally-lifted.html He was very accepting. I think he's still just slightly uncomfortable with it, but not in the "don't want to spend 1 on 1 time" - we hang out 1 on 1 nearly every week. Instead he doesn't really know how to talk about it if it comes up. That's ok though.
Having to come out to people is scary stuff, but, like Budder said, it really is mostly all in our head. Yeah, some friends might find it weird the first couple of days, but chances are that your friends won't really care at all. I can almost guarantee you that some of them would be more comfortable about the whole thing than you haha its just the way it goes. For me personally, it didn't change how I interacted with friends on anything like that. There was a time where people thought one of my friends was gay because he was hanging out with me, but he simply went with the joke and didn't let it affect him. Hard thing to do, but totally worth it!
Why do you have to do that? You can tell them in whatever way you find easiest. You don't have to sit them down like you are talking about, unless you really think they are going to have a reaction that will require them to be sitting down.
Haha, no probs. Sometimes all we need is just a push (I know I'm guilty of that) Yeah, working up the nerve is definitely the hardest part... especially when we're so good at coming up with excuses to not go through with it :rolle:. And I know you don't like being the center of attention, but I think it works in your favour this time. If you don't usually like having all eyes on you, when you do sit them down to talk to them they'll understand that this is important (since it's not the norm). But like Ianthe said, there's no reason you have to sit them down and tell them face-to-face, if that method doesn't work for you. You could try leaving a note (like I did), texting, e-mail, just writing it on a piece of paper and showing it to them... whatever. Whatever it is you need to do to get that message across. You know they'll be fine with it, so you just need to find a way to get past that block. And yeah, once you say it there really is no going back... but it's definitely for the better. You've already been out at university; I don't know under what conditions, but didn't you feel (to some extent) that a weight was lifted off your shoulders? Just think of how magnified that elated feeling will be when you get to do it to your best friends. Being able to be totally honest with the people closest to you is an amazing feeling. I'm sure you can do this, you sound like you really want to!
