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Once Again, I'm Having Doubts About Who I Am

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by crowfrost, Jun 17, 2012.

  1. crowfrost

    crowfrost Guest

    Hello everyone. I'm not exactly sure what the intent of this message might be...but this is something that has been on my mind for a while and I need advice, I suppose.

    I am nineteen years old, about to turn twenty soon and I'm confused over my "sexuality" (if you can call it that) and my feelings towards an ex-best friend/girlfriend. I was placed in this situation before when I was younger, mostly because I did not experience crushes on other kids my age nor really understood why on earth people wanted to be in relationships. I always assumed that I simply did not feel any sort of feelings like that and left it at that. Well, in my tenth grade in high school, I suddenly had feelings for my only friend of three years and didn't understand what exactly I was feeling, but the one thing I knew was that I wanted to be closer to her. I finally confessed in 11th grade and it did not settle well for the both of us because I misinterpreted her unrequited feelings being directed towards me, but it turned out to be towards her other friend.

    Four months of literal hell by being ignored, we resumed our friendship and it was a lot stronger. Before our graduation, our feelings were more intense where she would constantly flirt with me and I would reciprocate along with clinging on to her physically whenever I could. Then I confessed again and happily, she said she felt the same way. We were together for about a year, but we had our rough edges mostly because of me because I didn't know how to express my love for her sexually and romantically. It was something she really wanted in order to be more intimate with me but any time she did hinted at something sexual, I had shut down and freaked out. I just don't have a desire to do those sort of things and was unable to feel any sort of pleasure. I felt like a freak, to be honest. However, even though we had those problems, our relationship was still very loving. She was more frightened of our relationship being found out by her father and grandmother, people who are VERY conservative and religious.

    After a year, she suddenly broke things off with me after ignoring me for three weeks. That's when I found out she was cheating on me with the male assistant manager at her work. I was utterly devastated and didn't understand what I did to deserve this. She was my only friend and I lost her due to some stupid feelings I should have never told her in the first place. After that, we tried being friends again but I could not deal with her boyfriend being around all the time. I started cutting again and fell into this spell of sadness and anger for months on end. A year after she broke up with me, I told her to forget about me and never message again. I sort of got over my feelings for her after I found out she was pregnant because she was not the person I fell in love with.

    Skip forward four months and I miss her terribly. I constantly wonder how she is since she is seven months into the pregnancy and simply wish we could talk again, but I know it will never happen. I don't have any friends and simply do not have a desire to be in a relationship with any one, and it's not because of what happened between my friend and I. That's why I'm confused. I just don't care to have any friends, but I wish I could live a normal life. A life where I didn't have to hide the only relationship I ever had. A life where I could fall in love with a man and have a child and live happily ever after. But I know this isn't the life for me. I despise anything that has to deal with domesticity and children, but I also know I won't find any one who isn't a nymphomaniac and who will not leave me because I am unable to provide sex. I don't know. Maybe I am just meant to wallow over my mistakes and be miserable or something. I just want to feel content with my life.

    Please help. There is no one I can talk to about this. My father doesn't want to hear anything regarding homosexuality and my feelings, and my mother keeps insisting that it is a phase and that I will meet the "man of my dreams" and be converted to being straight.
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

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    I'm sorry to hear about all of this - not that it happened, necessarily, because it sounds like you were very honest with your friend in the course of things, and that's not a bad thing - but it obviously left you hurt, and not having someone to talk to about it makes it even worse I'm sure. (*hug*)

    I will say at least, though, that from the way things sound here, it wouldn't be such a good idea to get back in touch with her now. On top of the fact that her life is very full at the moment, there are still a lot of negative emotions that you're experiencing relative to her, and I find it difficult to see her providing a positive influence on your life at the moment. Maybe some day in the future you will have something positive to offer each other, but for the moment it might be good to let those feelings subside for a bit.

    What I do think would be good, though, is to get some sort of support network around you that will give you a place to talk about these feelings and everything's that's happened. Coming here is a start, and I hope you like the site and stick around. Beyond that, do you know about any lgbt meeting groups or community centers that you could go to in your area? Don't worry about not wanting to be in a relationship with anybody - you don't have to have a same-sex crush to be eligible to attend, in most cases anybody is welcome. If nothing else it would give you a place to go, and some people to lean on at least a little bit, which it sounds like you could use right now.

    What else is going on in your life at the moment? Are you in school, working? Do you still live at home with family, or do you have your own place, whether dorm, apartment, or something else? Just curious about the context that these things are happening in.

    Good luck! Hope to see you back around here.
     
  3. crowfrost

    crowfrost Guest

    Hello, and thank you so much for the response. I have been maintaining no contact with her for the past five months now and know I should not try to communicate once more with her. Sometimes I have the urge to send her a text message or drop by where she works, but I know nothing good will come out of it. She's going to be a mother now...and there's no room for me in that situation even if we were only going to be friends again.

    No, I am not aware of any LGBT support centers around my area and apparently there isn't any close by from what I researched online. I live in a very rural area in central North Carolina and the closest one is an hour and a half drive to reach. I really wished there was something nearby, though.

    In regards to your last questions- I am a full time student at a community college and work 35-40 hours a week. Since the college I'm attending is twenty-five miles away from where I live, I needed to have a job with those sort of hours in order to fund my education and fill my car with gas, along with setting some money to the side to save. My current living situation is staying with my father, who I do not get along with very well. My mother and I however are very, very close but since she lives a bit of a distance away, I don't see her as often as I would like to. Simply put, I'm completely stressed out because I am not where I'd like to be. I have been attending the community college for 1.5 years and keep flunking at least one class each semester, which brings my GPA down. My goal is to attend a good university, but with my current transcript shows that I'm not a very good student. I don't think it reflects how I truly feel about my education though because I love to learn new things, but I just can't balance out my life right now. And why I feel resentful for being placed in this situation was all because of my ex-girlfriend. After my high school graduation, I wanted to stay with her and that meant staying in the area and attending community college. I had an excellent high school transcript and GPA when I graduated, so I probably would have no issues being accepted at a university back then. Now is a different story.

    You would think that being out of a relationship for nearly a year and a half would help heal the wounds, but I was extremely close to this person and it hurts now knowing that I lost the person I loved and my best friend.
     
  4. Gravity

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    Hello again, and sorry for the delay in getting back to you.

    Good that you're not getting in touch. Having the desire to is fine, it just means you're thinking about her, but stopping yourself is a really good move, I think.

    As far as things going on for you at the moment - it sounds like you're on a good path, even if you're struggling a bit. If school is too much for you at the moment, can you take one class less per semester? Or do you need a certain number of credits for whatever reason (insurance, scholarship, etc. - don't have to specify if you don't want of course). If you can, try taking a little less classes. Unless there's some outside reason, you have no real need to take any specific number of classes - it might even be worth it to get some basic insurance aside from parental coverage if that's the reason you're having to take more. Set yourself up for success with school. :slight_smile:

    Plus, the more you give yourself time and space to do well in school, the less you may be inclined to dwell on your friend. You might think that after a year and a half you'd be past it, but time alone doesn't cure much. The mind is a powerful thing, and you can dwell on her longer than you might think. From the sounds of it, your situation in school is something that reminds you of her a lot, too, since you kind of tied your wagon to her there. Maybe the better you do, the better you'll feel, and you won't have to think that you "gave up" something for her.

    Also, on the practical advice side - if a university is what you have in mind, start looking up schools you'd like to go to and see what their entry requirements are. They may not be as strict as you'd think, and if you're eligible to apply, there's no reason not to. You still have the good high school grades, and if you have a chance to explain your story in a personal essay, it could make a difference. In addition to this, talk to your community college about the possibly of expunging or changing grades on your transcript. Many times schools will be able to do this due to various hardships that students go through, and while I don't know if your case will count or not, it's worth a shot. I wouldn't think they would do things selectively (remove all your failing grades, leave the rest), but they may be able to change whole semesters to "withdrawal" grades, which might help raise your GPA a bit.

    And quite frankly, if you think it will help, it might be worth it to make the drive to the closest center you know, even if just once or twice. :slight_smile: 3 hours worth of gas might be worth some personal relaxation and comfort.

    Good luck! I know it probably feels like you're stuck right now, but all is not lost. Figure out what you can handle and do well at, and just do that. Sooner or later you'll get yourself back on track and you'll be that much closer to putting this behind you. (*hug*)