Never felt so alone in a crowd (at pride)

Well, first off, I'm really deeply sorry for the loss of your mom, and acquaintance. (*hug*)

Now, when I went to my first pride (this year), I went with one of my best friends (straight guy), and my night went the same. I didn't have a boyfriend to share it with, dance, enjoy the party. But, I still had fun. I got to talk and meet lots of great people. In a way I kind of felt like an outsider, sure. Regular guy in a crowd of all these outrageous people. I still felt welcomed though. Regular guys do make up the majority of the gay population, come pride though, it seems everyone just dresses completely wild, free to be wild and crazy.

Now, is it possible that because your mom's death is still recent, that maybe had a bit of an effect on the whole experience? I'm just thinking how I'd feel about it, my mom and I are close, and I don't think I'd be over it after 2 months, probably not even after a year. And seeing as how it was your first time, you wanted to share that with her?

I know your just kind of venting, but I am really upset for you. I know it's rough. I'm just some stranger on the internet. So, I don't really know if I can offer any advice, not really good at giving advice. Except all I really have to say, is Time. It takes time, let the emotions run it's course, try and take a healthy approach though. Talk to people who will actually listen, and not just hear what your saying. Cry, Laugh, Scream, do what you need to do to let these emotions out.

I'm a social outcast too, I always feel alone, even among my (few) friends, which I think is better. You've got a mind of your own, you don't run with the crowd. You can do your thing, you just have to be comfortable enough in being that way. Virgin, never been kissed, been on 2 dates. But, you just gotta trudge through. Keep yourself occupied with other things. Best thing really. I find when I just wallow in depression around the house, that's when things get really bad. Take a long walk, out to a river or lake if you can. Sit down in a secluded area, write down everything you feel. And then rip up that paper. Completely let it all out.

I won't say it'll get better, I think that's being repeated too much. I think though, you've still got a lot of emotions to deal with at the moment. I think once you're able to fully get past everything, and really let it all out. Things will start to improve.

I think you're probably a really awesome guy, and I'm sorry about everything you're going through. (*hug*)

Congratulations on getting your Master's degree! :eusa_clap That's an accomplishment right there!! I'm in the same boat, recently graduated, but I'm thinking I might move to find a job. All the jobs here aren't great for the profession I'm in.

It's excellent that you're going to talk to a professional. I think that's probably a top priority right now, being completely honest with your emotions and work through that, and eventually everything will fall into place. Takes time, don't rush it! As someone who's incredibly impatient, you just have to trust that it'll all work out.

Sorry if this isn't much help. Haha. (*hug*)

 

Sorry for everything you're going through. I have to believe that the death of your mother is overshadowing everything right now. My sympathies. Work through your grief process now (and it may take a long time) without trying to deal with your feeling of isolation due to your gayness.

The first time I went to gay bars at night after coming out (at a much older age than you) was on the day of our local pride festival. I was hoping to meet some new friends but ended up exactly like you felt - completely isolated in a sea of people having fun together. A few days later I went back to one of the bars earlier in the day and met a couple of nice guys just to talk to. Maybe going back on a non-pride day will be better for you too. I don't know, but it's worth a shot.

Congratulations on your MA and realizing that counseling will be beneficial. Best of luck!

 

>>>All my life I've felt like I didn't belong and I thought going to a pride festival would feel different, but seeing the types of people there made me feel more like an alien. Apparently regular/average guys aren't gay enough to belong even at a fucking pride fest.

Meaning what, exactly? Only femmy homos go to Pride Fest? Of course the femmy guys went out - why wouldn't they? They're more likely to be out and happy than the masculine guys. Should more femmy guys have stayed home so Pride looked more masculine? Would that have made things more comfortable for you? Harvey Fierstein once said "If you're unhappy that Pride doesn't look enough like you, your job is to get out there and join it so it DOES look more like you." So kudos for doing that.

I looked at some pictures of Phoenix Pride 2011. And it looks quite a bit like Denver Pride (albeit smaller). Some guys in heels, and some guys in T-shirts. Some lesbians on bikes, and some lesbians in T-shirts. Denver Pride was this past weekend, and as always, we had a ton of people running the entire range. We had "normal"-looking people and guys in leather dog masks on the ends of leashes. And, not surprisingly, I noticed the "dogs" more. Why wouldn't I? I don't see them walking the streets much during the average week, whereas I see 30-something guys in T-shirts and shorts all the time.

It can be a bit bewildering to attend an event like this alone. It seems most people go as a couple, or in a group of like-minded friends. And when that happens, it seems everybody has somebody, and you're the only person there with the ForeverAlone face. First off, that's definitely not true. And secondly, Pride is a great place to feel good about yourself as a gay man, but it's not necessarily a great place to land a boyfriend.

So what can you do? Easy recommendation - join a group. Pick an activity you like, and see if there's a gay group in your area that you can join. You may not necessarily get a boyfriend immediately, but you'll expand your "gay social circle" that way, and that can be the best move towards finding someone to date. A 30-second Google search gave me this extensive list in Phoenix. Maybe you can start there, and see what you come up with.

Lex

 

Hey, I'm really sorry for the tragic events that seemed to have hit you all at once. I'm afraid times the only thing that's gonna help you.

As for pride, I think some people might make the mistake of going and thinking suddenly everythings gonna be great. You'll meet a boyfriend/girlfriend there and it will be the absolute time of your life. I know of people who come back with mixed reviews of it. I'm not out so I can't actually give an opinion on it from a personal stand point.

I do know however how it feels like to be surrounded by couples and feeling like a total spare part. It can hurt a lot because you feel like they're experiencing something you won't get to/ they are more 'complete' thn you. I seriously think you just need to take a step back and realise that a realtionship shouldn't define you or your happiness. I think your unhappiness might come from just lack of belonging that you might of thought you would get instantly by going to pride. You've had a lot of turmoil recently so just giving yourself time to grieve and having own personal goals is more important than instantly letting the label "single" define your entire life up until now. Chin up buddy.

 

Well shoot, I didn't even realize there WAS a pride celebration going on here. I guess you're one step ahead of me.

As has already been pointed out here (I think), you mention your mom a lot in this post, and even the friend who reminded you of your mom again. It may sound obvious, but don't underestimate the significance of this for you. Life is going to be hard for a while - and right now, "living life to the fullest" may mean exactly "struggling just to pull [your] life back together and move on" - not everybody's having a party 24/7. Don't be ashamed of yourself for dealing with a difficult situation - and that includes finishing/leaving school. That's a big event in and of itself, especially when you've been in school so long - something I've been learning myself these last couple months (incidentally, if you went to graduation, we must have been in the same ceremony!).

So, don't worry - you made it through a whole day of pride before you needed some time to yourself - and why wouldn't you? Lots of things have been happening (or not) lately, and yet you've still made some major accomplishments, and I don't just mean a degree. You may be doing better than you suspect. (*hug*)

 

Hey, I haven't even had the 2 dates with anybody girl or guys, so you beat me in every count. AND you got a Masters Degree? My 1st suggestion: write that down on a list of positive things so far your life! yeah your beloved mom is not here, I get that, but you HAD a good mo and over 2 decades! wow aren't you blessed! I am going for a 4 year degree soon, you done it! You have other gays for friends, not all gay men on EC do, and not everybody gets to go to Pride with their friends. I had to go alone this weekend, my only gay buddy is in hospital, and a woman i know kinda gave me an impression she didn't want me tagging along. So looking at a list of what you have, the positive light, it is good to pull out on bad days and read.

Also, at mine I felt very much normal. I was dressed as a man, as usual, but I fit in as Im not a weirdo. More so, some were celebrating so got all rainbowed up. not me. Their were kids and babies, as well as teens and lots of couples. But I saw individuals too. I did not focus on not being with anybody, cuz Im never, but i did see politeness, peacefulness, joy. It made me think like you I look like the most straight normal not gay man in the place! But i also felt like I am free to be me with no hate or being made outcast. acceptance!

I think from what you said here it was ruined more from not having a bf, a spouse, or even some cute lover. at 25, even though you seem to have it altogether, maybe God knows you just need a year or so more emotionally before He brings that right one into your life? I feel that way, like if I'm not fully ready yet, maybe they are not either...and one day when we both are, we will meet. I bet once you are accepting and content with just being you and more happy, somehow the most awesome person will appear.

---------- Post added 19th Jun 2012 at 08:52 AM ----------

oh, and THAT, the jealousy! well, i bet both you and I when we finally get to be a couple with someone will NOT be like them!
I have not had that with gays...yet...but gosh WOMEN! They would freak out if I talked to their bf in so many ways. I didn't want to steal nobody from nobody! Heck in a chuch picnic I had my EX friend act so much like a jealous protective dog...growling and her body language and eyes! She goes to defend her man! (which she lost, he dumped her) I never undy why a friend for over a year gets the notion they will lose their bf to me. :/ i have a code, i don't mess with sweethearts, they should know me better than that. i figure if somebody ever truly loves me, they aint gonna leave me for another person for just talking once at an event, and if they did i don't want them anyhow.

 

I felt like that once. And then I watched Requiem for a Dream. What a mistake that was.

I see that your mother died recently and you have my condolences. Something like that can affect everything you think and do. It amplifies even the smallest negative thought and weighs it down like a ton of bricks. You can use that. You won't alway feel this sad, but in the mean time, you can use the negative thoughts as an indicator about what you might want to improve about yourself. Then get busy fixing those things. Really busy. Be the best selfless person you can be every chance you get. Do amazing things for your friends. Do amazing things for their friends.

A long time ago, when I was feeling a bit like you, I asked myself if I was happy enough with myself to live my life alone. When the answer was no, I went about changing the situation because you can't truly love someone else unless you love yourself first. This at the very least gave me peace of mind. At the very best it will make you a better companion for when you meet the love of your life.

Odds are, unless you are incredibly and unreasonably f'd up as a person, you will find someone. In fact, you'll probably be in the position to have to choose between people. Just have faith in this and I promise it will happen some day. If you have a good set of friends with heart you'll have an army looking out for your love life. Right now, just focus on making yourself a great catch. You have or will have an MBA. Make something of it. Become the CEO of the next Facebook. I guarantee men will be pouring out of the woodwork.

 

first, sorry to hear about the loss of your mom and acquaintance.
and on a happier note congrats on finishing your Master's degree!

----
I'm another who's also never been in a relationship (but in this case any type of relationship at all, not even on a date)

I know seeing all those happy couples (at pride in this case) can be depressing, I've felt deff some of that myself.... but also seeing them also can give a sorta nice feeling - kinda 'wow they look look so happy together' or 'cute couple'...i don't know it just can make you feel sorta good/happy seeing others happy (at least for me it does in a way).

Anyway I can't imagine going home from something like pride crying If I had a bad experience like that I might never go back. Sorry to hear you had that experience

 

I went to my first Mardi gras/pride this year too , I also had recently come out last year so I was excited to experience something new as part of my new identity, even if my family wasnt so accepting

I was greatly let down by my friends though, we had planned it months before and they all decided to go MIA or just flat out made horrible excuses, I didnt really have any real life LGBT friends so that day started out as a bummer

I planned on canceling all together until my little sister offered to take me, I was surprised because when I came out she did cry about it, so to me that meant alot, so there I went, with a family member holding my hand to the big city and it was AMAZING, it was the first time I had seen a drag queen IRL, the streets were so bloody crowded, I even was hit on by some guy who looked maybe 20 years older than me.

and just like you I saw many same sex couples together, and a heck of alot stereotypical men, (the women not so much, I thought the revealing nurse outfits and role playing costumes were alittle too much)

But unlike you I didnt see me being lonely, my sister giggled/smiled/sighed and commented on how cute they were together, three things occurred to me
1) maybe some day, I would have someone just like that, a guy I can hold hands with, a boyfriend.
2) I had a family member who loved me enough to make the effort show me she had my back no matter what, and that I didnt need to hide or be ashamed anymore
3)People are SOOOOO up themselves about stereotypes that they think they are above mardi gras/pride to even attend them (my friends were scared to be seen as gay and by gay myths to even attend it!!) clearly shows the lack of respect of ones identity

and you're right, life is too short, but it doesnt necessarily mean you have to hurry things, if it happens it happens, sometimes you have to be patient and make happy with what you have right now

it probably easier said than done, but things will turn out just fine.