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I don't even know what's going on...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Azza, Jun 18, 2012.

  1. Azza

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    I could really use some help on a problem that I'm having with a guy.

    Right first off I met him in about January and instantly I liked him. In the following months we kept talking doing things together... stuff like that. He jokingly flirted with me a bit and we did talk quite a bit over facebook/skype etc. Even though I was pretty sure he was gay neither of us were really out so I doubted that anything would come of it. Then in April we both went to a party and ended up sleeping on a sofa together. I was actually pretty drunk but he had drank pretty much nothing and after a couple hours of lying there he started touching me up in the private parts. I then started touching his penis and he was hard to begin with annnnnd it was over the clothes so I'm not exactly sure if he got off or anything but anyway.

    In the morning he clears off as fast as possible and at this point I'm completely confused as to what is happening. Later on in the day I messaged him asking if he wanted to talk about it and he said he didn't. After that he pretty much stopped talking to me completely... I'm not really sure what happened, I was annoyed about the whole situation so didn't want to talk to him and he didn't really make any effort with me, not only did he ignore me but stopped hanging out with any of my friends. After a month of that I couldn't deal with it anymore due to the fact I'm pretty sure that I was in love with him and I messaged him telling him how I felt, talking about that night and that he shouldn't keep on ignoring me.

    He completely ignored the whole part about me liking him and that night and all he could manage was "I haven't been ignoring you" then I said "Ok well now you know... cya" he put "Ok" then went and appeared offline to me on facebook for THREE WEEKS. This made me feel like some psycho creep, I mean I would have preferred a "Sorry I'm not interested in you." over that because at least I'd know where I stand. This all happened during exam period of course... :dry:

    We only got back to school last week and he has been blanking me loads. I'll walk past him in a corridor and he'll veer off in another direction. Quite a few people have commented that he seems a lot more grumpy and withdrawn than usual... don't know what to make of that. Then yesterday I went to a meeting for a charity thing at someones house which he was at and it was really awkward :confused: By the end we were kind of talking again but for the first half an hour we wouldn't even look at each other. Then today he seemed to be a lot more like his old self...

    I just don't know what to do? I keep clinging on to the idea that one day we'll get together but everything seems like such a mess... Should I try to be his friend again or just call it quits and try and move on with my life?

    If you managed to read all that, thanks. Any advice would be welcome :slight_smile:
     
  2. jvn95

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    Interesting, Well I hope things work out and that someday you both will work it out. But for now, just be patient and give each other space, it sounds like he's a bit confused right now. In good time things work themselves out if you have good spirits.

    Best wishes.
     
  3. Aegis

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    It sounds like he might have some of his own feelings to work out too. If you guys are talking again, somewhat like you used to, then maybe give it time and see if it gets better.
    He could be straight (or bi-curious) and embarrassed as hell about what happened. He could be gay, but not really into you, which could make things more uncomfortable for the both of you, and more difficult for him to talk about. He could also be trying to figure out his own feelings for you. If he outed himself earlier than he was comfortable with (by messing around with you), he could be dealing with all sorts of anxiety and pressures right now.
    Above all, I would suggest you just try to be his friend like normal. Don't push the subject if it doesn't come up, and be as supportive as you can. I don't presume to know you or him on a personal level, but i don't think that this would be worth breaking off a friendship. He might need you now more than you realize (and more than he might show). You two could very well end up together in the future, but don't cling to that as the only basis for remaining friends either. Try to make yourself okay with the idea of you both being gay, both being friends, but not dating. Then if you do end up together it'll have been worth going through this, and if you don't, then you can both still be happy.

    Good luck.
     
  4. Ianthe

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    He's freaking out because he is gay but he doesn't want to be gay. And now, he can't see you without thinking about it.

    Let him know that you aren't mad, and that it's fine if he doesn't want to see you for a while, but you hope he'll call you if he ever needs a friend.

    I think that's probably all you can do in this situation.
     
  5. Azza

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    Well going of what you said I decided to try and remain friendly with him but still give him some space as I doubt he really knows what it is he is doing. I said hi to him when he walked past me today... he seemed quite shocked but after a couple of seconds managed a hello before walking off. Thanks for your advice I guessed that the likelihood of anything happening between us was slim especially now, maybe at some point in the future I dunno. For now though I'll just try to be his friend he looks pretty miserable most of the time and actually seems scared of me so he could probably do to know that I'm not angry with him and that I'm not going to go round telling people what happened.
     
  6. Ianthe

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    I think the points you need to cover are:
    • You are not mad.
    • You will not tell anyone.
    • You will give him as much space as he needs.
    • When he is ready, you still want to be friends.
    • He can talk to you about what he's struggling with, and it doesn't have to mean you will be anything more than friends, and again, you will not tell anyone.

    You might also want to refer him to Empty Closets for support, if you would be comfortable with that. The staff can hide this thread if you want, although since you already told him about your feelings, you might not find that necessary. :slight_smile:
     
  7. awesomeyodais

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    Everything Ianthe said (esp. the "I won't tell anyone" and "when he is ready"), plus when you msg him or talk to him to let him know these things, or refer to "the incident", try to resist using any "labels" such as gay bi str8 - if he's in the early stages of trying to figure himself out it really won't make things any easier for him, because of all the often wrong stereotypes associated with those "labels".
     
  8. Azza

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    Now all I have to do is find a time and place to tell him this and somehow summon up the courage to do it? I know it sounds horrible but part of me likes seeing him miserable because I am kind of mad with the way things went and how vulnerable I made myself... but I shall try to let him know that if he needs me I am there. I know I could've done with a bit of support when I was coming out to myself. I still don't see why it was necessary for him to lead me on like that and I feel like such an idiot for doing anything at all with him. More than anything though I want this whole pretending each other don't exist thing to end so I can just move on with my life :slight_smile:
     
  9. Filip

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    Honestly... I think there's nothing here that can be resolved by talking. Not at this moment, at least.

    Because at this point, everything you can possibly say will be seen as pushing him. Any assurances of "I'm not going to be using this against you" is going to remind him that you could use it against him after all. Any insistance on "let's just be friends" will be seen as you trying to sneak in with a double agenda (which, to some point, you do have).

    Many people are like turtles, really. The moment you focus on them or tick on their shell, they retract.

    So I think you're doing the best you can do. Just be friendly whenever he is in your vicinity. Nod, say hi, wave, and when you talk, just talk about normal day-to-day stuff. No "nudge-nudge wink-wink" or "I want to help you get through your confusion". If you show that you're willing to give him his own space, he'll not be so reluctant to allow you into it at some point in the future.


    I do think you shouldn't be too invested in being together with this guy. Nice if it happens, but either he isn't gay and this was a one-time curiosity, or he's gay and still needs a lot of time to deal with it. And in neither case do you need to focus all your hopes and desires solely on him.
     
  10. Azza

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    You're right... In all honesty I wish I'd never met him I didn't want to like him... I had just never felt like that anyone before.

    If he is gay which I am about 99.9% sure he is, he's going to take a while to accept it and I don't want to keep sticking around hoping that something will happen. I just want it all to be over and I really can't be bothered with his blanking me and purposefully avoiding me as much as possible (going the long way to a class just so he won't have to walk past me for instance). So I'll be friendly towards him and stuff but I'm not going to put any effort into building a strong friendship... that's his job if he wants.

    I guess the silver lining to all of this is that it made me come out to quite a few people so that's good :grin:

    I need to start enjoying life again, haha :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  11. pastol

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    Do you have his e-mail addy or can you text him? If not, talk to him briefly and just tell him, in your own words, that you value his friendship and would like to put that part of your relationship back on track. Leave it at that and don't wait for a response. As stated above, give him space, but make sure he knows you are there when he's ready.