This is going to be a bit of a pointless, rambley post. Be warned. So my girlfriend and I have been officially together for two weeks and I couldn't be happier about that. We're in kind of an unusual situation because we've been friends and roommates for a long time, but have recently decided that we want to be more than that. Because going from friends to dating/living together is a big jump, we've agreed to take it slow. The only problem is she isn't out to her parents yet. I told her she can take as long as she needs to for that- of course I understand how difficult it is. Our mutual friend is visiting from out of state for a few days, and before she got here I wondered aloud how we ought to bring up our relationship to her. My girlfriend seemed uncomfortable with the idea. She mentioned the fact that she doesn't want her parents to be the last ones to know. I totally understand that, but seeing as I'm not sure when she's going to come out to them, I have to wonder how many people she wants to keep our relationship a secret from, and for how long. She did say that if our friend directly asked whether either of us were dating someone, we wouldn't have to lie, but of course she isn't going to ask that. Basically, I'm just excited about the fact that we're together, and I want reassurance that she is too. I've already told my parents and my brother, which my girlfriend is ok with. I know I need to be patient, but I get paranoid sometimes that she wants to be secretive because she's not totally sure if she really wants to date me yet. But, again, what with how long we've known each other and the fact that we live together, this is the most serious relationship either of us has been in. I don't really have a specific question, I was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts on the situation.
I remember your other thread, and I'm really glad to know this worked out for you! I think you should talk to her about it, and tell her that that's okay for a while, but if she isn't coming out to her parents for a long time, you really don't want to hold up other things because of it. It's one think to give her as much time as she needs to come out to her parents; it's another thing if it puts a bunch of other things on hold. Differentiate between the two things: "You can take as long as you need to come out to your family, but I want to be able to tell our friends and such about us by Thanksgiving."
I understand her side of things. I think the best way to approach it is to talk with her about how comfortable she is with displays of affection in public. Is she willing to hold hands, etc? Or how about when this friend visits? Are you two allowed to act like a couple? Because then your friend will most likely ask/figure it out. I don't think giving her a deadline is the best idea, you don't want to pressure her more than she already is. You want to support her. Coming out is a very individual process, and as her partner you are there to support her. I agree you are also there to help her push her boundaries but a deadline is not the way to do it, I feel. Her telling other people that she is dating you is far more complicated than just to give you reassurance of your relationship. While I understand that that is what you want, it is more than that on her side. It will mean acknowledging to important people in her life that she is a lesbian and that is not always an easy thing to admit, to yourself and to others. I think that she is actually dating you is a good start. She is admitting it to herself at least now.
I've had a lot of ups and downs since I posted that first thread, to say the least. I want to thank you again for the advice you gave me back then. It really made things so much clearer for me. I definitely understand your points. We went to Pride last weekend, which I think was a good idea. Earlier this year, before we were a couple, she seemed very excited to go. But leading up to it, she didn't seem to be looking forward to it at all, which I think is interesting. She loves the gay community, but actually being part of it probably seems a whole lot more intimidating. But I didn't see any reason why we shouldn't go, considering we'd already made plans to. And we both ended up having a good time. I think I just have to remind myself to pay attention to the small steps, because I know she's making them.
you have to give her time - this is something she hasnt done before, its a huge thing. if the relationship is as serious as you say , there really isnt a reason to worry about the time because it will happen soon enough.
