The best relationship I've ever been in lasted two years, three months, and nine days. It ended yesterday. We had our share of problems like any couple. Some glaring differences in some departments. But everything was workable because we love each other. The only thing that couldn't be changed is that I'm a trans man and he's a very straight male. When I first met him I was trying badly to change who I was. Growing out my hair and dressing more feminine. We feel in love fast. I wanted to be good for him. In a lot of ways we worked. He did amazing things to my self image and self confidence. I started feeling safe, for once. That I could actually be myself. He helped me become more brave. He encouraged me more then any family member.In a way it's because of him that I really started to be truthful with myself and start coming out as trans to people. I came out to him a few months back. We got into a few arguments about gender and sexuality but when it got down to it he told me he still loved me no matter what. It took a few weeks to start noticing that our sex life was now non existent. Emotionally he was still there. It took a few months for me to finally let myself admit the fact that he just wasn't going to be attracted to me as a male. And I knew that I needed to break up with him because he was doing the same thing I had done at the beginning. He was trying his hardest to be right for me. He loves me but I know he wants a girlfriend. He's a straight man and I'm a pan transman. It wasn't going to work in the long run. It really started hitting me lately that we weren't going to work because I realized how grown up he is and how much growing up I have to do. He has a house, a solid job, a town he's settled down in while I'm still trying to figure out who I even am. So I asked him if we could just be friends. He was shocked. We talked things out. We're still best friends. He was incredibly supportive and understanding. Like always. I love being who I am But I also hate myself for not being able to be with him because of it. I have problems with depression and anxiety to begin with and now I just feel horrible. I've been trying to keep busy but the moment I stop and give me a minute to think I start slipping back into depression and negative thoughts. the first time he and I talked on the phone he told me a bunch of stories about his crazy ex's and now I'm just going to be one of those stories. I know there's a handful of girls that have been pretty much waiting for him to get single again. It makes me feel sick thinking about him with another person. I just feel lost I guess I just need to be reassured that I did the right thing. And any type of support or advice. I'm just kind of empty feeling now. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to be me with out him. And i know it sounds corny, but he's been there for me through so much. And now it's over.
You did the right thing. When you truly love someone, you want them to be happy no matter what. That's what he did for you, when he accepted you as transgendered, even though he's completely straight and has no interest in men. He cared for you, and despite his feelings, he wanted you to be happy. Now, you're doing the same for him - by letting him go, so that he can be happy with a woman. It's sad, yes. But it is also the right thing to do. You also need time to grow and discover yourself, and of course this doesn't mean the end of your friendship. It does mean, however, that you have the opportunity to find someone who can love you completely - not only emotionally, but also as a man. (*hug*)
