hello all, i just found the website after doing some soul searching today and wanted to pose a very familiar question, how should i define my sexuality and what action would that lead to? i'm 31 and ostensibly heterosexual, although i do come from a very conservative background where otherwise would be difficult for me or my loved ones to contemplate/accept. that said, i am willing to contemplate being gay. anyway, i've always been with women and have had several stable sexual relationships, including the one i'm currently in. i find women attractive and spend quite a bit of time looking at them/thinking about them. i almost exclusively masturbate to pornography that features women, sometimes having sex, sometimes by themselves, but never in lesbian relations. over the last few years i have masturbated to gay porn once and thought it was odd in a way, but could get off with it. i also masturbated to a man on one of those live internet sites and i do identify that muscular men with large penises are attractive. but i don't find myself yearning for that really, at least not in the way i had vivid sexual thoughts about a woman i saw swimming earlier today with nice curves. that stuff intrudes into my thoughts. here's where i get confused. since i was a teenager i have thought i might be gay, but not fully understand that conception. i recall once masturbating to a male underwear catalogue, but it wasn't life altering. i don't recall being attracted to specific men, but am aware of men who are attractive. i usually enjoy/have a strong desire for sex with a woman during the beginning of a relationship or a hook up, but that wanes over a few months. i still have sex and i enjoy it, but less so and I constantly worry about being able to "get it up." I haven't really had trouble with sex and i'm well into a relationship now, which might end in marriage, and i still have sex with my girlfriend, but sometimes it just feels slightly off. i haven't ever had a homosexual relationship, but have kissed a man on two occasions. the first was a close male friend i knew was gay. we were drunk one night and he started to kiss me. we did for a little bit and i was aware it was happening, but it felt weird and i stopped it. i was quite promiscuous at this stage in my life and i kind of wish it had kept going so i would know what it felt like to have that experience, as if it were a litmus test. the second time was while on ecstasy and a male friend kissed me publicly and i felt nothing, even though he was a man i would identify as attractive. i have had several close friends who are gay and lived with a homosexual man in college, all without a desire to have something happen per se. i identify as an outsider for a few reasons. the first is that i'm inherently not conservative like the environment i grew up in and have had to remove myself from that as a result. the second is that i struggle with mental illness enough that it does define me to a large degree. now that i'm a little older and have stabilized in terms of lifestyle and work, I want to get married and have a family. i don't, however, want to marry someone and then discover i really am gay and have repressed it. i have had four relationships with woman that lasted longer than a year and i ended all of them for a variety of reasons, but part of it was that I had lost interest in sex to various degrees, except for one relationship where it was something else and i did still have an interest in sex after a few years. but maybe i am gay and that's why i have a fear i won't get it up or will lose interest in women. i really do sometimes pause in the middle of sex and wonder if there's actually anything going on that's relevant to me. i typically have no trouble reaching orgasm and enjoy the orgasm. but sometimes in the male locker room i question if i'm being drawn to a male penis. i don't like the idea of having sex with a man, but maybe this is repression not allowing me to experience my sexuality in its true form. my mental illness makes this difficult for me to interpret this because it is a constant battle against myself, with self-deprecating thoughts basically being my norm. i also wonder if the thoughts about getting it up have more to do with self-esteem. i often wonder why anyone would want to be with me, which i rationally know is not valid, but the thoughts are persistent nonetheless. ugh, this is way long and confusing. should i try to start masturbating to male porn and see what happens? should i have a sexual encounter with a man before i consider getting married? i appreciate the kinsey spectrum of human sexuality and maybe i sit slightly towards bisexual.... or maybe i have massively repressed latent homosexuality that could be the ticket to happiness. quite confusing. any advice, thoughts, or other existential musing would be appreciated.
Hey Swimmer. I'm not sure what really to tell you, because you seem to be on top of things. No one, except yourself, can tell you how you feel. So, in an effort to help, I'm going to talk about what I experience - as a gay man around your age. First, I think it's important not to identify sexuality in terms of... well... sex. Being gay isn't really about sex, and you don't need to have sex to know if you're gay or not. It's not as if you're going to have sex with a man, and then suddenly a light is going to light-up above your head, and your question will be answered. In all likelihood, in most cases, it might even lead to more confusion. Being gay, like being straight, is about how you feel emotionally. For me, when it comes to men, yes - there is sexual attraction - but more than that it's that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach sometimes. The feeling you get when you have a crush. The desire to be loved by a man, and to love him back in return. I can look at a woman and find her beautiful. I can even find her erotic and sexy. If necessary, I could probably have sex with her and might enjoy it. But emotionally, I'm not going to connect. Not on the same level as I'd connect with a man. I can love a woman as a friend. I can admire her, care for her deeply, but I can never love a woman as a lover. The deeper connection that I'd have with a man, the desire for that connection, just doesn't exist with a woman. It has nothing to do with her attractiveness or beauty. I don't find her physically repulsive. It has to do with my innate romantic desires. So, as you can see, this is not really a sexual thing. It's a romantic thing. Yes, sometimes sexuality is complicated. It's not always black and white, and you may have other issues that enter into the whole situation that muddies the water further. At the end of the day, though, I can't - nor can anyone else - tell you how you feel. There is no right or wrong answer here, though I do think you're wise to hold off on marriage until you're certain. If you're not in therapy, I suggest going, because talking about these types of things can help. In the end, whatever conclusions you come to, you're normal and natural no matter what. Like I said, there are no right or wrong answers here. It's just a question of what is true for you, discovering that truth, and deciding whether or not to embrace your authentic self.
well, as far as sex goes, you like girls. so that much is straight right? you think some guys are hot? yeah true. does some porn or masurbatio equal gay, not if you don't want to engage in it, to fall in love, or such. if you like both, but only a couple men, and lots of women, couldn't you be just a little bisexual? and if so, and lean more toward women, i seen others on here like that. you can in that case fall in love with a woman and live happily if you both work at it like all married couples must do. if you look at other men or women then you must not be ready for commitment if you are thinking of dating another. that is how i read it. but i aint no expert! as for illness, you tell your doc about this? he may be able to explain it, could even be medicine side effects.
Hi Swimmer, and welcome to EC! :smilewave I must say: nothing in your story necessarily screams "gay" to me. Sure, you're not actively repulsed by men, even being able to tell when a man is handsome, and kissing a man didn't make you run screaming... but that's pretty much how I feel about girls, and it isn't enough for me to start calling myself straight (or even bisexual). Neither is anxiety or even a lack of desire for sex with girls at all times a proof of being gay. There's a lot of times when I feel I don't really care for deeply involving myself in relationships with guys, or when the idea of someday having sex feels more like a hassle than a turn-on. But that still doesn't change that if I'd want it to happen, it'd be with a guy. I guess the best test to do is still to go to a place where there's lots of people, seating yourself in a corner, and just look at the people going about their lives. While doing that, our eyes inevitably start following some individuals. With some of those, we start to wonder what their lives are like, what it would be like to know them and become a part of that life. Do it with enough crowds, and a pattern begins to emerge. You might even try doing that starting from "let's assume I am gay for a second. which guy would I pick?". And see where your thoughts wander. Personally, for example, even if I go for "let's assume I'm straight", I inevitable find myself noticing guys anyways. So I take that as proof enough that that's where my attractions lie. And hey, you might even try masturbating to gay porn. But just getting off to it is, again, not necessarily the best indication of attraction. There's more to sexuality than finishing. you know what you feel with straight porn, and if the overall experience with gay porn isn't equal or better, then it points more towards being broad-thinking than towards actively being gay.
That was all excellent advice, thank you so much for taking the time to write down your thoughts. I really do appreciate it and think that your eloquent answers will help me think through my situation more coherently. Again, thank you for your time and input.
