Every day I'm a freaking mess. I wake up in hell, people just look so different since I have accepted that I could be a lesbian/bi/have feelings for women. My therapist has requesteed that I wait until the baby is born to make any desions. Every night I dream of my husband or another man. I ask God to give me a dream about a woman just so I can see how it may feel and it never happens. I miss my husband so much. I cry every morning thinking of him with another woman, it literally breaks my heart, but I feel like I can't stay here and I'm cheating him out of life. Even though I have anxiety around him I miss that "smiley" feeling around him that makes me want to be close to him. I caught it yesterday, but then I remembered, and he looked like a stranger again. I miss walking to his car with this smile plastered across my face cause I just can't help it. Thinking of having sex with him now makes me feel gross. I really hope this is hormones. I just feel like I'd be happier with a woman but I can't see myself as a woman being with another woman, I know I will compare myself, I have to make myself look like a man 1st. Ugh, I don't understand this.
I know that feeling of waking up every morning, for just a second you feel like everything is the way it used to be, then reality sets in and you see him lying next to you and it takes everything in you not to roll over and be sick from the thought. The person you vowed to spend your life with turns out to be someone you feel like you dont even know anymore. Don't spend your life like this. You are having a baby? Congrats You will never regret that, and if the marriage ends, you at least have one perfect thing that came out of the relationship. I thought our child would make my husband see us as a family and he would remember why he loved me. The baby didnt change anything, in fact 2 years after exhausting myself trying to repair a broken marriage, it still ended. I know I don't know you or your husband or your situation, but I would say that if he doesn't do a 180 after the birth, cut it off, quickly. The longer you stay with someone who is hurting you on a daily basis, the more resentment and anger and pain you will feel when/if it does end. If you think you are attracted to women, maybe watch some porn? That helped me realize how much more I appreciated the form of a woman than a man.
Hey, thanks for your reply. My husband is an amazing man, he's all there for me and for our daughter and is excited for the baby. I have a ton of issues I'm working out in therapy and I'm just confused. I don't think I will ever get over my husband. Its just that sexually I'm not there anymore. I feel like it would be so much better with a woman, but I'm not attracted to specific women, if they are "hot" I'm envious and I have to pretend I'm a guy to think of myself with her. I wish I could go back to normal. I haven't had sex with my husband in almost 4 months cause I feel sick and cause I feel like I'm using him. I never fantasise about myself with a woman, and I've been trying to lately, but it makes me feel like a totally different person, like I'm posessed by someone else.
fantasies and realities can be strangely different. since you have mental issues and hormones mess with women in pregnancy, making drastic plans may appear right today, and in a year become clearly an err. You do not need to think about sex with him pregnant, its ok. Just enjoy the pleasant company of him as your live in friend right now, nothing wrong with that!
Hey I know its tough for you at the moment but I do believe you should wait till the baby is born, I know you feel like you need to get away but I dont know any lesbians that dream of being with a man. Is there any way you can take a break for a few days like you and your child, or just you, even if it is only a weekend, not far away but just a change?
I'm scared if I leave, I will never come back...I could leave with my daughter and go to my parents but my anxiety has gotten out of control and I don't wanna be near anyone (people who are close to me I can't be near them cause I feel sick). I've stopped dreaming about men in sexually, its more like I'm with an attractive man and we're in a relationship and I'm on cloud 9 =) I also dream about my daughter, the way I used to feel about her before. I really hope this is hormones that are screwing me up. I just feel like being with a woman is so much more appealable now...everything, sexually, emotionally...men, I'm just stuck on the butterflies. I can't find my feelings for them anymore...I'm scared they never existed. I'm honestly terrified of who I am as a person, what I'm finding out is real or not. I have other obsessions, my next one is thinking I'm a pedeofile, I won't entertain that as I've exposed myself to this one (being a lesbian). I have other thoughts like hoping my family would just go away =( But here's where my therapist is worried...all I say is I want to be with a woman and only a woman, I don't want to do anything but be with her, because being with one makes me so happy. I mean, I think of something bad happening to my daughter and then I think of being with a woman and I get so happy like my daughter doesn't even matter. This is so depressing, I'm such a horrible person. So far I've been working a lot to keep my mind off things, but I hate when clients ask about the baby. I don't want to be pregnant anymore, I just want to run away and be with a woman. Ugh.
I really don't know what to do, all I think about all day and night is about being with a woman, the only thing that seems to stop this urge is being around an attractive guy, but when I'm home alone like now...its like I'm obsessed. I'm thinking things I have never thought in my life and its kind of scary. Before I didn't want to have sex with a woman now I do. I feel so weird and my mind just keeps telling me to run with these thoughts and accept them. The more I accept the more I want to run away from my family! I can't even read my homework book about getting over trauma, I don't see why I need to read when I'm never going to be with a man again, I've gotten used to avoiding men. Its like I'm obsessed with women now and I just need to be with one now so I can feel better. Ughhh this is so annoying. I can't think straight. ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2012 at 08:50 AM ---------- I remember getting like this kind of when I was pregnant, not really wanting to be with a woman but more like noticing other women and thinking weird stuff (stuff I wouldn't normally think) then after I had our daughter those thoughts stopped and I went back to crushing on guys and girls would just be there but I'd prefer to be around guys and feed off that butterfly feeling and when I had thoughts about sleeping with guys I would pray that they would go away. I think I have multiple personalities and I have no control over myself. Really, can someone be like really convinced that they are gay/lesbian and realize that they are really bi??? What's with these weird urges, I could be just sitting there with my daughter, think about about a woman and feel like leaving her there and leave at that very moment. Seriously, who thinks like this. I'm done fighting my thoughts but I'm totally freaked out at who I'm becoming. I'm usually such a girly girly and I chopped off my hair and I wear really baggy clothes and I don't even want to make myself look like before. I keep looking at pics of myself from before and now she looks like a stranger. I must be going insane.
