I had a boyfriend for 8 years I wanted to marry and he was busy with school and I felt like I was getting enough so I broke up with him b/c I had feelings for my friend who is a woman and we're now together. I miss him like crazy but I don't know if it's the idea of him. The love I have for both is completely different, which one is real? The physical aspect I enjoy more with her and emotional, but I can't see myself spending my life with her, am I just in denial? My anxiety in general is gone with her and I'm 30 and fear I was always this way and was so shut off from myself I didn't know... I feel like I can never go back and feel pressure to identify and fear I am in denial.... Ugh, any advice?
I would say that both loves you experienced are real. The love for him and her are just different. I would think that you probably just miss the idea of him and missing his presence around you. You sound like you're not completely comfortable with this woman yet and those feelings could be getting in the way of seeing a future with her. Have you tried to talk about this to her? You don't have to say you feel you still love the boyfriend you had but you could try telling her your feelings about your relationship with her. When you say you're with this woman do you mean that you have married her? If you aren't married I would think that it's perfectly fine not to feel like you could spend your life with her, maybe she isn't the right one yet. Or do you mean you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life with a woman?
Bisexuality is real. You can have valid feelings for people of more than one gender--your feelings for a woman do not invalidate the feelings you had for your boyfriend. Of course, it's also possible to be in denial and to convince yourself that you have feelings you don't really have. But it's very difficult for us to distinguish which is happening, at least without a lot more information. Can you describe the ways that your love for each of them is different? Can you tell us how your feelings for men and women differ in general?
Here's your label - "bisexual, currently leaning gay". Here's your situation - "current in a good relationship with a woman, but freaking out about possibly having left behind a potentially good straight relationship". It's not like there's precisely one person on this big blue marble that you can have a happy and rewarding relationship with. If it were, we'd all be screwed something fierce. You probably had a good relationship before, and it sounds like it was mainly a positive thing. So keep it as a positive thing that happened to you, and move forward into the relationship you're in now. Lex
