I'm not sure what to think or feel about this. First some background, I grew up in a right-wing traditional (culturally speaking) family and have always been taught homosexuality was wrong or sinful or whatever they call it nowadays (>.<) Back in August, I met a guy (who at the time I just saw as a friend), who paved a way for me being who I am now. Fast forward 4 months, after some bizarre conversations, I soon fell in love with him. He was always kind, charming, and made me laugh in some unique way every time I talked with him. We talked for another four months and then I decided to take this relationship to the next level and he wanted to do that with me. (Thank god xD) We are both avid gamers, love to talk about almost anything but there are a few differences, distance being one of them. He's 17 and I'm 21 so I realise there is a slight age gap there ;3 He lives across the country from me and he's about four years younger than me. It's almost been 4 months since we've officially said we'll be together so I'm quite happy this relationship lasted just as long; the last two (with girls) I had, well I wouldn't even call it a relationship seeing as they used me for help. My parents on the other hand, are completely in the dark about my love for him. The situation: Recently, he had finally come out to his parents (not about me though yet), and they seem to be having trouble adapting to that fact. As far as I know, they're not against homosexuality per se but aren't comfortable with their son's homosexuality. Two things happened which triggered my questions. First, he had decided to tell his parents about me (because we were thinking of going to his grad prom). Although his friends were on-board with it, his parents sure weren't. They completely said no to him, about me, about the trip. His mother spoke of the age gap as being out of the norm ('disturbing'). My first question would be, is that gap actually that problematic? (I can see some people seeing it as an issue...?) Second, after this all fell out, we were talking about the seriousness of our relationship (seeing as though we are in a long distance based one). Since we couldn't see each other within the new future, I said I'd wait for him and be with him. He said to me that, he didn't want me to wait for him. I was happy he was honest with me but I'm not sure what it meant. To me, it was, does he feel that he's not worth my time or matter? I thought to myself, I hope not because he's the best thing that's happened to me. He's helped me regain a bit of my health (I was overweight for awhile and when he came along, I got motivated to work out daily for an hour for the last 5 months), made me happier than any girl I've dated so far, and finally, he's always been honest to me; which I have had trouble getting in my relationship(s). I decided to inquire further as to what he meant. He thought that he was holding me back (ugh...) and that I deserve to be out there. I explained to him that if I wanted to go back out on the market (i guess date different people), I would have done that already. I assured him that I believe I'm willing to wait because I think he's worth it. He said since his parents disapprove of our relationship, we couldn't really see each other easily and that in the coming year (+365 days from July 15th), that if I should find someone else, I should go for it. I explained to him, unless someone comes along that can make me significantly happier, there's no way I'd give up on him. However, I'm hurt at what he thinks but based on what I was reading about the expression "don't want to hold you back" and stuff like that, it's possible he just simply doesn't feel the same way back. I still want to be with him and I'm willing to wait the year just to get a chance to be with him. I asked him, is there a reason why you want to stay with me? He said no, that is was more so a feeling he gets whenever he's with me. I hope I can have a reason too and I do. I just don't want to keep pushing myself to him. At the end of our conversation, he mentioned that he's doing this because he believes I'll make the right choice. I fear however, he may push away (if the former holds truth that he doesn't feel the same way). I want him to be happy with his life, even if it doesn't include me. However, the selfishness in me wants to stay with him. I'm torn between what to do >.< So my question becomes, what do you think of what he said? How should I proceed?
Four years is quite a bit of a big age gap. Based on where you live (I take it you live in the U. S. Correct me if I'm wrong), age of consent varies. Check that out, if there's a problem. Also, for school dances and that, I think the age limit is 21 for guests. But if you two are comfortable with it, there is nothing wrong. Well, onto your other question. It's sad, isn't it? How people can't comprehend how much love is given.... They think they'll hold you back... I was in a similar situation once, but that was my mistake and fault. I hate to say this, but if he is losing interest, you can't do much to get him back... Jeez this is bringing back memories.. hah... What does he mean, he believes you'll make the right choice? If he's saying he doesn't want to hold you back, is he trying to keep you, or try to get away? It's a little confusing. As for how you should proceed... hmmm... Just try not to feel hurt, I guess, if things don't work out. It's a tough one, and it's sad. But that doesn't mean you should give up in any way. Try to stay in contact for a while, and see how he responds. That could give you a clue as to his ideas on the whole issue. Hope things work out
Thanks I can always try not to but he means alot xD (as I'm sure it is with other people) I don't live in the US, I live in Canada. He's on the East, I'm on the West. He mentions that he wants to continue this relationship but he also wants me to promise him if I find someone that I would go with them.
I would take into regard the fact that he is only 17. While this is by no means a hard and fast gauge of someone's EQ, it sure is a good indicator. Love is a fleeting thing when you're young. It's great if he is considering your progress in life when saying that he does not want to hold you back, although no one can truly tell you what is going through his mind at this time. I have seen parents cause their kids to do and say some strange things (almost totally against their will at times) too. I would say your best bet is to speak to him more deeply about this and find out what HE wants for HIMSELF/your relationship first and foremost. You can then progress from there. As an aside, I don't think your age difference is that big of a deal especially considering that your relationship is a long distance one. I can understand the parents' concern somewhat considering the circumstances though. Have you considered trying to approach them with your feelings?
Sorry bout that mistake haha... I understand it, about someone meaning a lot. Still, with him saying he wants to continue, but wants you to go on, makes him sound doubtful. Maybe, like he can't comprehend how much you feel for him. Is there anything you can do to let him know how much you feel?
Naw it's okay, we're essentially the same =D I want to be with him but I don't know what will make him happy. I want to fly in and talk with him, be with him, and show him that I'm serious about being with him. I know it's tough because we live across the country. I don't know what else to do. ---------- Post added 21st Jun 2012 at 09:13 AM ---------- His mom sent a very direct message to me this morning over email. She details how she believes that the age gap is too much and she doesn't believe I should see him (although more so for the prom). I think they're just trying to get used to the fact their son is gay and he brought this to them too. I can't say much more for him. I'll do what I can with him and I think giving the parents time will help a bit (but not much =3).
I am glad his mom actually had the decency to contact you about it. Did she seem aggressive? I guess everyone knows what goes down once the prom is over (usually) maybe that is what is really bothering them? Good luck. I hope things work out for you.
Yeah, she did. She wasn't aggressive about it, she was definitely assertive. I respect what she wants to do and her want to protect her son. She and him are very close to each other and I can certainly see what will happen once grad is over and all that. She might lose her son to college (so to speak). From that respect, I do understand and empathise with her. The way she worded it was extremely direct and intelligent, and addressed her wishes and concerns.
My two cents: - An age gap of four years isn't that big when you're 30. However, if he's 17, then that's almost 25% of his life. So there is, relative to his age, a pretty broad gap. Also, it pretty much ensures that you will spend the next years in different places in life. You'll be busy starting up a career, while he's still working on getting his diploma and passing tests. Things that will be important for one of you will be harder for the other one to relate to. So... personally I'd consider 17-21 a borderline gap. Not an automatic deal-beaker, but still something that is liable to cause disconnects, stress, and trouble. Things which can't be smoothed over by just trusting that love will solve all issues for you - On his "Don't wait for me" statement: IMO, that's the best attitude to have to an online relationship. Online relationships can be nice. If no one else is available locally, they can be more fulfilling than being alone. And sometimes they do lead to eventually getting together. I've seen a few that eventually succeeded. But... it's always good to not let your head get totally clouded. There's many ways in which an online relationship can go wrong, and it's best to recognise that any long-term plan relies on a lot of contingencies (if things continue to work out for the next few years AND if you move AND if you find a job, AND if the online chemistry works hen you meet in person etc...) So: I do think his attitude shows level-headedness. This is a tough situation, and it is best to not close all other doors in efforts to make it work. Also, since you're essentially offering changing your entire life for him (moving cross-country, leaving your family and friends etc.), being "worth" all that is quite the responsability. Doesn't mean he's necessarily not having the same feelings, or that he wants you to actively go look for dates. But seeing that it isn't best for the both of you to totally retreat into the on-line relationship does show a lot of maturity on his part. Like you mention: you'd want him to be happy, even if it isn't with you. He feels the same, really. He just put it more explicitely out there. Last but not least: the parents. It's clear they have their son's best interests at heart. I don't think you should necessarily break off all contact, but I do think that laying out the situation can't hurt: that you started out as friends, that the attraction ended up surprising both of you, but that neither of you see any future in just rushing out and doing anything rash (and that, indeed, you have nothing of the sort planned for at least a year). Might not totally put them at ease, but it would at least show them you're not some deranged stalker trying to abduct their son...
Age of consent is 16 in Canada. Right now, we're in the stages of enjoying one another from the distance. Having serious talks and funny ones, he always manages to make me laugh by making something I seriously say ridiculous. It somehow brings me a certain peace that I have never found. I figured the first thing I would do if I ever find someone is make suire they're my age. Clearly, the opposite has happened so to CYA (cover your *** =])... I did check it out. @Filip (I forgot how to multiquote easily on vbulletin 4?) I know, when we first took interest in each other... I initially toook it as a joke (seeing as he was younger) but the more serious it became, the more I thought of the ramifications. I didn't expect it to be that serious (given how the parents reacted). I know he means well for me, perhaps it's my insecurity that controls that 'he doesn't want to see me anymore feeling' Thanks for all your advice, it helps to understand things from a completely different perspective.
Well, I'm usually the resident "age gaps are a problem" person here. But in this particular case, I think 17 and 21 is just on the cusp of being acceptable. Now it depends a lot on the 17 year old and the 21 year old. I've met 17 year olds who were exceptionally mature and probably just about the equal of someone 21, and I've met 25 year olds who were about as mature as a 15 year old. So really, it depends on each of you. In even a year or so, the age gap will be less of an issue if you are both at similar levels of maturity. I do agree that his mother is probably more upset that her son is gay *and* has an older boyfriend than she honestly is about the age gap. And to many parents, they have real difficulty seeing their child as a sexual being who is becoming an adult, and that can be a huge part of the issue as well... particularly if he's an oldest child. And don't discount the idea that, deep down, she may wonder if this evil 21 year old faggot led her innocent, virginal son astray... while not rational, at some level, that thought might be somewhere in her consciousness, and that could trigger both the resistance and the proctectiveness you're feeling. If so, I think that will go away with time. So I would have an honest conversation with him. It's possible that this is his first love and so he's head-over-heels, but it's also possible that the feeling is deep and mature, and if the two of you have felt this connection for close to a year, I'm inclined to say it is something beyond a typical teen infatuation. My guess is he's not pulling away because he isn't interested, but maybe because he's feeling pressure from his mom. And I think that as long as you let him know that the relationship matters, it will probably sustain itself through this.
I talked with him and he seems happy about our relationship overall. Knowing him, he's not easily excitable a lot of times. I know he cares for me somewhere in there but it's tough to read. We are going to see each other via a less than conventional mean shortly here. I was thinking of getting him something but he already hates it that I buy him things. It's usually expensive items he doesn't want me buying for him. I send him some flowers the other day and he was fine with it but when I had offered to purchase something he needed for his computer, he completely lashed back at me. Any ideas?
If you love him, age shouldn't be a problem. My boyfriend is 8 years older than me. At first, I thought it was a huge gap and I thought I'd never accept it, but then I stopped thinking and started feeling and living my life. Now, it doesn't seem weird at all. I love him and that's what matters. I don't care what other people say or think about it. At the end, love is what matters, not anything else.
