I'm so sorry to keep posting here but I'm really confused and alarmed about what's been going on with me. So originally I was diagnosed with OCD cause I kept having these thoughts that scared me. From leaving my husband for another man, becoming a lesbian/child molester/becoming a boy etc. The only way to beat OCD is to accept in which I did and now I'm freaked out cause they all seem true. I really believe I now want to be with a woman and I don't really want to change my gender but I don't want to look like a girl anymore. Like I've chopped off my hair and stopped dressing girly like before. I'm disgusted with my boobs when before I would use them to attract men. I am 7 months pregnant, but I don't think that can do this. Before I was indifferent/turned off thinking of being with a woman, but now when I think about it its appealing. Kissing I'm still disgusted by both sexes (as I was molested by a man when I was a child). I have issues with pulling away from anyone that wants to be close to me and am working on that in therapy. Seems like eversince I let all the thoughts come in I've been on some type of roller coster. I no longer want my kids, I just want to run away and be with a woman. I don't even want to work and I used to love my job. Men are so unattractive now when I used to pray to not have feelings for them. I honestly wanted my kids, I cried tears of happiness when I found out I was pregnant, now I just don't want them, I see them as a burden (I feel horrible saying that). I feel like I just want to run away go party and meet women. My therapist and I are currently working on the endless male sexual assualt from when I was a teen. She says I went through a lot of trauma as after I was assualted I became hooked on drugs and started minor prositution, I don't want to work on this. She's concerned because I can only handle female company. Males make me really uncomfortable. I used to like sex up until a few months ago but anything when it came to touching my husband I'd get disgusted I also get this way when my brother hugs me or my dad tries to come near me. There's this guy at work that I feel like is overly friendly, he always wants to talk, I feel like he wants something from me and I have stopped going near places he's at. Ugh, I dunno what's happening to me. When I was 18 I used to think of myself as somewhat bi as I liked sleeping with men for the intimacy if I was attracted to them, I didn't even think about sleeping with a girl. I didn't know how I would do that when each girl I thought I was attracted to I was insanly envious of. But if I pretend I'm a man then I won't be envious anymore. But naked women do turn me on, just never fantasised about being with a woman, or really eve thought about it Sorry I'm just really messed up. I feel like a creepy old man that oogles women all day. Therapist is still saying to wait until baby is born, and until then we will focus on the trauma. But I want to leave now I hate being pregnant.
I just want to start of by asking you to please not leave your children. Remember that you're their mother, and they look up to you. As for all of the different feelings you're having, I think that it could be a mixture of many things. Between your OCD, trauma, and the fact that your hormones are all out of wack from being pregnant, I would say to just keep working with your therapist.
I feel like she's trying to change my sexuality. I logically know she's not. She said even if I am attracted to women its important I deal with my anxiety around people who are close to me. But I just can't get the urge to run away with a woman and leave everyone behind to go away. I've read too much I feel like I want to go explore and talk to other lesbian women and I only had kids cause of society. Sleeping used to help now I wake to hell every morning. I don't even want to fall asleep anymore, I'm scared to wake up.
If you're not comfortable with your therapist, then you really should consider a new therapist. It kind of sounds like you need, I don't know....a vacation? Maybe go someplace nice by yourself for a few days so that you can get your thoughts/emotions together.
I've been through so many therapists. Logically everything she says makes sense but I just don't want to deal with this. I just want to run away from everyonee and go find a girlfriend. I just can't be with men anymore. I feel like my feelings for women are way stronger than what I have for men. I just don't like men anymore...
You don't have to run away to find a girlfriend. Toronto's a big city. There's somebody out there for you
I meant, I don't want to be near anyone that causes a rise in my anxiety, which is everyone but women.
