I don't really know where to start, so I'm just going to repeat what I wrote on another thread: My mom makes me hate myself and hate my life. I've been called, as recently as fifteen minutes ago, a selfish little bastard, a nasty little shit, a disappointment, the worst person she knew, and a mistake in her parenting skills. Why? Well, I was asked by a friend to go to a nearby amusement park. I told this friend that it was going to rain and the weather was possibly going to be stormy. She said she'd talk to her mother (who was providing transportation) about it. With these plans looking down, I told my aunt - who desperately needed somebody to cover her shift at work - that I might be able to. I told my mother that my plans for going to the amusement park were probably going under, told her the situation, and she snapped. According to her, I was being selfish and she was ashamed to have raised such an awful son. I quickly tried to assure her that I would still go to the amusement park and was sure that my aunt could find somebody else. My mom continued to rant at me, calling me a nasty little shit and selfish bastard. She told me to cancel my plans with my friend and that she was so disappointed and felt so sorry for said friend. My friend texted me back saying that it was fine and she decided not to go anyways. I showed my mother the message and she started to cry and has since locked herself in her room. This is one of the less severe encounters I've had with my mother. I've been screamed at, have had various objects thrown and slammed, and have had my confidence in life constantly shattered. However, after such episodes she will treat me like I'm the greatest person to live. She totally accepted that I was gay and told me she loved me no matter what and I she was so proud of me. And then a day or two later I'll be called a little shit. My self-esteem is so screwed up that I don't even know what to think about myself anymore. She makes me hate myself and then love myself to the point where I feel like I'm about to break. I can't deal with her constant outbreaks and mood-swings, her insistence on controlling my life and telling me what to do. How do I even begin to deal with her? What should I even be thinking? I feel like I have no control over anything anymore. Thanks guys, Evan
I have a similar relationship with my mother but not as severe. After such episodes she would be apologetic and want to spend time with me. I admire your bravery for telling your mom as I wish I could do the same. My mom has bipolar disorder and is hard for her to control her emotions. I want to tell her but I'm scared because her and my dad recently split and I'm worried she'll be pushed over the edge. I suggest talking it out with your mother and hopefully it can get better from there. (*hug*)
I have tried to talk to her about it, but I my father told it would be a bad idea to do so and that it would only make her even more ruthless. (sorry to hear about your parents' recent split, by the way )
It sounds to me that your mother might be having some personal issues. Has she always been like this? I ask this because, whenever my mom lashes out, it always has something to do with her personal life and not me. Maybe she is sorry for harshly "venting" out on you for little things. If that is the case, then I suggest talking with both your mom and dad to see if something is wrong in her personal life. It may just be random mood=swings but there is always a possibility that it could be personal. Check into it and Good Luck =)
As long as I can remember she has been like this. If it was a new situation I would gladly speak with her, but this has been going on since I was born.
First, big hugs. No one deserves to hear from anyone the sort of insulting, shaming, and degrading comments you're receiving, and particularly not from a parent. You seem remarkably resilient in handling the remarks, but I know that deep down, it's got to hurt really deeply. It's hard to tell from the little you've said, but it seems pretty clear there's a clinical psychological disorder there. As such, there really isn't a whole lot you can do, because her moods are probably not within her control. From what you've said, it sounds very much like it could be borderline personality disorder (you might look it up). This is characterized by very rapid and very dramatic mood swings, all-or-none thinking, difficulty with trust (alternating with overwhelming trust), and various other behaviors. Again, I'm not qualified to make any sort of diagnosis, but even if I'm way off the mark, if you take a look and the symptoms are a fairly close match, there are several good books about borderlines and how to live with them that may be worth your reading, as they will help you learn to cope with her behaviors. (The truth is, treating borderline personality disorder is *extremely* difficult and time consuming and frustrating, and a lot of therapists avoid them like the plague.) I think that perhaps just realizing that your mom has a mental health disorder that's causing her to behave that way might help, at least a tiny bit, in understanding why she does what she does. It doesn't excuse it, make it right, or make the shaming comments hurt any less, but at least you can realize that it is a byproduct of her disorder rather than anything you've done. One of the most important pieces for you to take away is, no matter what anyone says, you are enough. You are good enough, smart enough, kind enough, thoughtful enough. and no one can take that from you. Your mom may have really messed with your head, but you don't need to let her take your self-esteem. You can start to take that back for yourself and recognize that your mom's comments aren't either rational or true.
Hi Evan, The most important thing to know, and someone has already touched upon this, is that your mother's behaviour is neither your fault, nor do you deserve the abuse. Usually when this happens it is an emotional reaction on their part to a personal stress, and although you are on the receiving end of it you certainly didn't cause it. Even if she is lashing out over the stresses of managing a household, to which you obviously belong, you did not cause the stress; it is likely that she is experiencing this due to depression or some other ailment. This is so important to note because one of the most common ways in which one's self-esteem is damaged in these situations is through blame. Unfortunately, I don't know what you could do to help relieve her from her stresses. She would have to seek help for that on her own. When my relationship with my mother was in similar waters, I simply waited it out until she did just that. You could try suggesting that she do so if you think it would help, but as your father said that could simply inflame her. Whether you want to take the risk to help her come to terms with the problem is up to you entirely. In any case, you'll probably find that you can make much more progress in improving your own psychological situation. Posting this thread was a good start. Simply discussing it with others allows you to vent your feelings of frustration, meet people who are in similar situations to make you feel less alone, gather some helpful advice and snag a few much needed ego boosts here and there as they come. :icon_wink You're definitely on the right track. Have you discussed this with your friends? They can provide a feeling of assurance and compassion which can be much more fulfilling than seeking help online, although I'm certainly not saying you should stop posting about your problems. If you can think of some friends who would fit the bill, then by all means open up to them. Another route which you may want to consider is seeing a professional counseling. I realise that you are in the US and that counseling for youth is not often (if at all) provided by health insurance there, but if all else fails it may be worth the expense. You could talk to your father about that. A short term way of dealing with feelings of angst and sorrow when they arise is through artistic expression, such as writing, drawing, painting, music, etc. Whether your mother will ever change her behaviour is an open question. It is entirely dependent on whether the stresses under which she has suffered are removed. In my case, she became far less violent but no less prone to verbal lashings. This can even happen despite seeking help if she decides to do so, although help will no doubt make her more agreeable to some degree. You simply have to learn to look after yourself and come to the realisation that it is in fact not your fault. Those are the two things which were eventually my salvation. It's perhaps apt to note that once you reach the point of holding yourself in higher esteem despite your situation, you are in a much better position to help your mother seek help than when you are yourself dealing with issues. Whatever you decide to do and whatever happens as a result, I hope you don't lose hope that things will improve. It's certainly not a vain thing to believe, because it can happen if you persevere. Remember always that there are people who care for you and your welfare and that you can reach out to them; you are never alone regardless of how you feel. I wish you the best of luck and I hope I've helped.
