So Why Now? -Major Influences in My Life

I’m all about continual learning and growing, at least in most issues and endeavors. Yet I have not achieved a level of inner comfort with my sexuality. I have staggering guilt and conflict but want this to change and have the courage to do so, I believe.

So why now?

My profile says “confused” but my attraction (panging) towards men and previous encounters would indicate I’m gay. I am married and want to be authentic to a woman who has tolerated my behaviors far in excess of most mortals. And I want to find closure either with this issue or my marriage. Maybe EC can help me address my issues and show me the “how” of emancipation.

Since this is my first attempt in posting in these forums I hope to give enough background without crossing the line into anything offensive. I will be candid, direct and honest.

I am probably much older than most on these boards but that does not mean I have any less passion or energy for my pursuits or interests. I just have more experience.

Most people know me as a straight, married man however many have thought I was gay. This always freaked me out because I never wanted to give anybody that impression. I wanted to be the one in control of my image.

Before I delve into the “Major issues that shaped my life” here is how I behave. I have had a handful of sexual encounters with men but never any meaningful relationship as an adult. I never condoned the cheating but I sure tried and try to rationalize them. What struck me as meaningful though was the comfort I experienced upon waking with a man next to me. It felt so nice and easy and sweet. Tender even. I have paid for sex-this is a behavior I loathe yet I have done it on a number of occasions. My wife found out (read my emails) about these and the following discourse was not pleasant yet we are still together after 15 years.

So where did the kid with a midwest upbringing vear off and become this immoral man?

I traveled a lot as a kid-I mean a heck of a lot and almost entirely solo. My parents had their issues and allowed it. On one of my trips (I was 12 or so) I met a guy (15 or 16 yrs old) and we had a nice conversation during the flight from New York to San Francisco. He gave me his phone # and said anytime you're coming to New York to call him. I did. What followed were a series of events that definitely impacted my sexuality and security. My first sexual experience was with him and what I recall of it was, wow, I LIKE that! I didn’t think it was quite normal though after a day or so. I was also introduced to his father (more like a guardian, not his real father). He was worldly, powerful, engaging, charming, literate and handsome. He smoked a pipe and was an opera buff. During that same trip during the first night Bill-the father and Joe-the guy who invited me to New York also had a friend visiting from Asia. I had a wonderful time on this trip (delusional little kid) and was invited back anytime I was in New York. I would return to NY many, many times in the over the course of 4 years. I only twice saw Joe after that first trip.
You can probably see where this is heading.

Pre-teen having sex and drugs with an older man. I was showered with attention and exposed to a glamorous and exciting lifestyle. I was magnetized to this environment. Both Bill and Joe visited my home as guests of my clueless parents. This is when I began to realize it (gay sex) was not a normal thing to do. I did not however equate anything evil towards their behavior.

As I approached driving age girls became my primary focus but I did have one one night stand with a curious teen guy. I liked what I did to him- he really did too but he said not and made it public. I began feeling shame about having sex with both girls and boys at this time and it has attached itself to me like glue for most of my life.

I think I’ll pause here before I continue with further developments because; 1. It’s already too long of a post, 2. Putting this in writing is sorta painful and, 3. Maybe it’s boring.

I’m glad this board is here and welcome any commentary. I think.

 

Thank you so much Maxx for the encouraging comments. I need greater clarity (courage) and sensed after reading a few threads that EC is a good place to begin.

Reading what I posted sorta freaks me a bit but, it true and I keep remembering that the truth will set you free. Hope so.

 

Going to University left its mark on me too. I was really awkward. I’m really tall and at the time only weighed in at 150 lbs or so. Years later I’m still a rather slender 185 lbs. I was either really cocky (some would argue arrogant) or miserably insecure. As a counterbalance to my insecurities I spent money on things; clothes mostly. Frankly, I was too over-dressed for college. I was mocked on one very specific occasion where someone called me Queenie. To this day I still cringe at that comment. I never wanted to hear that word or accusation referenced to me ever again. I was determined to control your perception and if I failed at that I would change my surroundings. Two years in University I move back home and went to a local school and immersed myself in classes. I rarely dated and mostly hung with a few friends on weekends. To them and me I was just a quirky straight guy who occasionally took these insane trips to faraway places. I usually saw Bill. Wow (haha). By now I’m thinking this is bad behavior yet I keep seeing him. So, what just happened? I’m reinforcing a negative self perception. I have become a runner. Stuffing feelings and trying to escape from me. Back to those influences on my life. I remember one occasion Bill visiting my home town and I stayed at his hotel. I must have said or done something to make him angry (I still do not have a clue as to what) because he topped me. I remember the pain-both physically and emotionally-quite vividly. I felt humiliated and betrayed.

I still do.

There is a label for people like Bill yet I did not come to that conclusion until many years later. He became an excuse for future behaviors. The conflict between what I seem to like physically and perceive mentally as wrong and immoral has its roots here-I think. This (wanting clarity) I think, is why I decided to post here.
Can anybody relate to this or, has a similar experience?

During my last year at University having been near celibate girls started to fall my way. I am good at one on one conversation, especially after a few drinks. So sex with women fired up and I was okay with it and most importantly it was what I biologically am supposed to do. Right? Looking back I realize it was just one of many of societies’ traps toward conformity. Masculine=straight bullsh*t. Anybody else feel this way?

After college I landed a very good job, fell in love and got married and moved to Chicago. Wife #1 (yes, sadly I have been married twice) was one tough and extremely smart gal. She was my best cheerleader in my career. Oddly though our sex life took a most unwelcome and precipitous decline. and would remain infrequent and mostly unfulfilling. What did she know about me that turned her off? I became very unhappy and began to drink on more occasions and sometimes quite heavily.

My career really took center stage and I started to travel in the extreme (3-5 days/week, 35-45 weeks/year). I thrived in this environment and was very good at what I did and built an excellent reputation. I also had a convenient excuse for not addressing problems at home. I remained faithful. But that would change.

I often wonder why didn’t I level with her about my unhappiness? Why did I feel I was the only guilty party? I was lonely, absent and probably delusional about the health of our marriage. Why did I stay married? Does anybody have a similar experience or observation they want to share?
I have no idea if my story strikes a chord with anybody on EC. But, I have often thought there is a lot of stuff (guilt, shame, escape, etc.) that’s going on under the surface which lacks clarity and the chance of insight from the group is why I’ll continue.

The Darker Side Emerges and Assumes Power

I started hiring female call girls except for one time when I hired both male & female. Oddly I never had intercourse with any of them. That I felt was crossing the line. I was rarely (if ever) sober during these encounters. Liquor, prostitutes and work-those became predominant. Work being the most important and fulfilling. The two personas really took hold. I led this lie but as yet really didn’t see it that way. Two separate events (I don’t recall when) had both a destructive and constructive outcome. On a trip to San Francisco I hooked up with a young Asian man (not a prostitute) and took him to my hotel. What I remember of that night was I wanted to be the Top but had performance issues (booze). After completing whatever it is that I did I kicked him out of the room. I saw his eyes flashing with surprise and disappointment at the treatment. I was cruel and I regret this behavior to this day. Had I been sober I might have had clarity to determine if it was enjoyable or not. Guys, this painful. The next event occurred when the wife was in NY on business. I hired a call girl to come to my house and failed to perform. I felt utterly pathetic afterwards. I was/am a disgraceful, shameful man.

The following day I had a therapy session (one of many since 10 years old) and decided to go the the hospital and sober up in the coming days. That night I picked up my wife at the airport and told her what I was planning. I thought she would appreciate the fact of admitting a drinking problem. Her reaction was completely opposite of my expectation. She was repulsed. Huh?
Wait a minute you said I might have a drinking problem-I thought you would appreciate this! Support me. She did not and the marriage began to crumble. After a year I left my home and moved in with my older brother who was in the middle of an affair and divorce as well. I started drinking again. I got this huge promotion at work and moved to another city. The divorce was very ugly and my family came to support my wife. I was the pariah. The move was a disaster.
I drank non-stop, self-isolated, worked 80 hours a week and had sex with women. Hum, why not men? After six months I return to Los Angeles and really sobered up. I don’t drink anymore and have not for a long time. My experience at my sober-living house while mostly very good would also bring back feeling of being gay.

I’m going to pause for a bit for the same reasons I mentioned earlier. More might be reveiled, it is painful, shameful and probably boring to you.

---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2012 at 10:31 AM ----------

Maxx
Thanks again for your comments. I can intellectualize them but I am still far away form acceptance and embrace. I wish I had a friend back them like you that encouraged me and was there to act as a mutual guide. I'm hesitant to get graphic because it might turn some off and devolve into criticism I'm not ready/prepared to handle/accept. But I want to give some detail. Is this ok on these boards?

 

I spent the greater part of yesterday reading a number of posters messages. I read this thread by Maxx and then all of the posts of all the other posters to his thread. Time well spent because I know I’m not so alone. The feelings I have are not terminal. It is shameful and messy but, I have probably not done anything that bad or amoral that someone has not done as well. I also watched some videos recommended by Chip. Really great and explained much about how I react to life feeling unworthy. I’m still really confused and suspect I will be for some time. Thanks to my newfound trudgers for their comments.

 

My roommate at the sober living home was gay. IIRC his addiction was crystal meth. I only recently learned of this incredibly destructive drug that appears to be a favorite of many gays. Thank my stars that I never tried it because I probably would have become addicted to it as well. My rule is if it numbs me or turns me on sexually I’ll probably crave and abuse it. The reality (and this gets clearer when I’m connected to the now) is over the years of abuse and denial I have created an exhaustive and elaborate defense system to shame and guilt. I feel trapped by it and do not sense/see a way out of it. Is there a key or procedure to short-circuit this mechanism?

To the best of my memory I accepted my roommates being gay. He was very funny and smart and I enjoyed his company. What I recall was feeling empowered to talk more openly about my attraction to men. I felt more courageous and began to feel that the definition of me was more than a successful businessman. While I know this to be true it was and remains a crutch to overcome feeling inadequate when I’m in any stressful situation.

After leaving the sober living environment I left my job, found a small apartment and settled my divorce. I ended giving up everything except my clothes and 3 books. What a mistake. I understand why I did this but I’m still bitter about doing so occasionally.

Being single again (after 14 years of marriage) was painful yet liberating. I read a lot about the struggles of men and the pressures of conformity to the social mirror, i.e. gay is dirty, bad, immoral. While I can intellectualize these issues and see the harm they have inflicted on me I still have not succeeded in incorporating them in my behavior.

After so many years of infrequent sex I wanted the opportunity to get wild and experiment. I had mostly short-term encounters that left me empty until I hired a male prostitute. What I recall was this desire to top him yet I don’t recall doing so. I remember thinking it’s okay the way it turned out and maybe the next time I’m with a man I’ll be able to do so. I have this desire to be the dominant (top) yet I have never reached climax in a man. It is something I really want to do. Some internal voice says this will confirm acceptance as a gay man, or not. I feel very immature/juvenile in asking this but, has anybody felt this way? Does anyone have an opinion or experience they would share?

---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2012 at 10:05 AM ----------

Reflecting on my question about topping another man I realize I have this fear of hurting them physically. I want them to be willing and enjoy the experience. What I flash on is my own discomfort and pain from being raped at 16 and my (discomfort most but not all of the time) when I’m the bottom. It’s erotic, a definite turn on, yet still lacking something I can’t define as yet. Any clue what this is?

 

I met Micki through an ad I posted in the LA Weekly. She was and remains the most sexually liberated person I’ve ever met. She loved mirrors. Any sexual wish was okay to explore as long as mutual consent was reached. She was Asian and I have this comfort and attraction to this ethnicity that remains today. In fact, I want to retire in Asia and am planning to explore the opportunity in the very near future. Sex became healthy, vastly enjoyable and cleansed my perception of what I perceived as my deviant behavior. While we didn’t remain together for long I am l grateful for the wonderful experience. I still have this desire to have a three-way experience. I have not done this yet and don’t know if it will ever present itself again in my life (unless I pay for it) My question is why do I want this? Somehow I want to be with a man (during sex) in the presence of a woman. I want the confirmation from them that it is natural, pure and and deeply erotic. I want her to be turned on too, I think. I sense Mom’s disgust and remember hear her saying your Dad is a homosexual. Wow, I recall hating her for saying this repeatedly to me about Dad and feeling shame.

I’m sorry if I have gotten too graphic-I really don’t want to alienate anybody on EC. This is just stream of consciousness writing.

 

A friend of mine encouraged me to write about my issues, not just the gay one but any or all. I called him today to thank him and out of nowhere I asked if I could share in person some of what I wrote here on EC. I want to tell him I'm gay AND I want some catharsis. I'm pretty sure I can say I'm gay-I just don't know if I can accept it on a deep level without denial kicking in. I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I see him.

 

Max, 55
You guys are wonderful and so cool. I'd like to give you both a big hug.

BTW, I'm sorta boggled by odds of finding EC, then Max thread where our situations share so much in common and seemingly simultaneously.... I really meant it when I said your in my head.

Max, I have 1 Eckhart CD he does resonate with me. The first time I heard him speak I burst out laughing. He reminded me of Dr. Strangelove. Have you ever read the Commentaries on Living series by J Krishnamurti? Oh, I also bought the book Chip recommended.

---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2012 at 10:02 PM ----------

I keep staring at the "Orientation" tag under my profile name. I have modified it 3 times already. Oh my...after what I've posted and read online and in my new books it is impossible to deny. I always thought my gay behaviors were a consequence of events. "They did this to me". I never really entertained the concept that being straight was the abnormal in me, that innately being gay is what I always have been. I hope this feeling is as strong tomorrow as it feels right now.

 

I think what I posted last night that being straight was the abnormal (having never considered
this before) makes much sense. My behavior has been like that of a moth-I’m attracted to
men (my light) then immediately recoil (fear of being burned and burned=shame). Yet I always
return to the light. Consistently. This is going to sound really dorky (or, gay) but I want to be
more like a butterfly.
I never wanted to consider being gay was innate, to the contrary, I thought it was a choice.
This prejudice seems to be the cornerstone of my denial, my delusion that I have control over
my attraction to men. What a futile deception. I’m gay. I am fearful and wonder if I will allow
the positive take heart and hold. Is this my authentic David? What I really sense to my core is
without this acceptance and subsequent behavior I will never be whole. I simply have to find
out.

 

My friend John is not an old acquaintance. He didn't know my history (until today) nor did I know his, but my inner voice said I can trust him and that he is impartial. I chose wisely.

I feel good right now. I know the only choice I have is to be true to me. There will no doubt be pain and fear but somehow no regrets. Coming clean with my wife is looming ever closer. I'm not going to delay for long-a week perhaps-so I can let the experience of the last few days sink in. Max, your such a gift today and I'm grateful you're a part of it. Thanks.