So I have been debating on doing this post. Guess I'll start things off with some background. I spent 4 years serving as a squad leader in the Marine Corps infantry. During this time I shut everything that was personal down and focused on work causing me to be out of the country for the majority of my time in. This led me to miss a lot of the little things in life. After a series of events I was given the option to get out and get some physical injuries fixed or take a medical retirement. Me being the stubborn person I am, got out and began working with some doctors. A few months before I got out I started talking to the love of my life and we have been together ever since, now counting 2 years and some change. The dream of going back in is long and gone; the damage to the body that was done is more than what can be fixed and still have the ability to run around like I use to. But I wouldn’t have it any other way because it lets me fall asleep with the man I love every night.(*hug*) Here comes the advice seeking part. I would like to get down on a knee and ask him to marry me (Although it’s still not legal in our state), but during this time we have been together my family has not been informed of our relationship or that their son is gay. The same can be said about my very close friends I served with. The funny part is, when it comes to everyday life i.e... college, shopping, running around, going out, everything really we are both out; although it’s not easy to tell with me apparently. The hard part is I would like to spend the rest of my life with this man but I refuse to ask him to marry me until my family knows and is involved in our lives. His family, of course knows about us and like any future in-laws makes my life and his hell. I wouldn’t mind showing him how my family gets together all the time for a good time and jokes around. He had a hard time growing up with his family and I would love it if mine would adopted him as part of the family, but I’m not even sure how they will deal first with their only son being gay. I know I’m putting a lot of pressure that is not needed on already issue that has a lot of stress involved. I just learned over my short time on this earth we only get one life to live. But, I just can’t find the strength or a plan on how to do it. Funny enough I never had any problems finding the strength to run around getting shot at while I was in, but put me in a room with my family and this elephant and it’s a different story. :eusa_doh: Thank you to anyone and everyone that was willing to read all this and respond with some advice. (&&&)
First of all, welcome to the site - and congrats on you and your partner, it sounds like you really care for him. I'm fond of saying that marriage may not be legal, but nobody said anything about getting engaged! There are a variety of ways to come out to your family, none of which is inherently better or worse than any other. You could tell them face to face. You could tell them in a letter, or an email (which is not the same thing - one you control where they see and read it, the other could happen at a random time and place, depending on how they check their email). You could tell them as a group or individually - if the latter, I would recommend talking to the person you think will be most accepting first (which is what I did), since this helps build up confidence and allies within the group (in this case, your family). Personally, I came out to my mom in person, while we were driving around on our way to a family birthday party. I came out to my dad by email (mistakenly sending it to his work, not his home, address - that made for a Monday morning he'll never forget, I'm sure!). You might look around the "coming out stories" section of this site for some ideas. Basically, what it comes down to is that you're beginning a conversation - not having the whole thing all at once. Your family and you will negotiate your way through this together, probably for a long time (whether they're accepting or not). The best to hope for in coming out is a respectful way of telling them - respectful both to them, and to yourself, insofar as you're not making it harder for yourself than you need to - and an accepting response from the people involved. You may or may not get that, or may get varying degrees of acceptance, but just keep in mind - this is just a start, it's not the whole deal, and you can change the direction things go, or speed it up or slow it down, after this. So don't put too much pressure on the coming out itself. I do agree, though, that it's a good idea to do this before proposing - and I would tell them both about yourself and your partner. While two revelations will make for extra shock value, I think it's better to only put them through the experience of "here's this major part of our son's life that we knew nothing about" just the once. It sounds like you're ready for it though - whether or not you, yourself, stand out as gay, it seems like you don't live your mental life in hiding anymore, which is a big step on its own.
Thank you for your feedback. Before I posted on here I already asked my sister I’m very close with to come over to my place for dinner, planning on dropping everything on her somewhere between drinks and dinner. Already she knows something is up because no one from my family has been over to our place let alone knows where we live. Every time they asked I would just use vag generalization of the area; between this street and this one in the downtown area. This is kind of funny too, because it happens to be the “gay district”. I think one of the hard parts is everyone preconceived thoughts about me. Great example of this is I had a class over the summer where I talked a little to this guy you could tell a mile away he was gay. Sure enough the one time my bf and I decide to go out bar hopping for his birthday we run into this guy from class. The look of shock and awe on his face was priceless. I didn’t hear the end of it from him till the end of that class. I just want my bf to meet the loving family I grew up around.
Yes, congratulations on finding your boyfriend, and thank you for your service, your courage and your sacrifice. Surely, you deserve to spend the rest of your life with the man you love. I think starting with your sister is a great idea. I'm assuming that you believe she will be the most accepting? Is your boyfriend going to be there for dinner? Once you have told her, you can talk with her about how you think your parents will react. That can be really helpful. What are your family's views about gay people, generally speaking? Do they know any gay people who are out? Were you also wanting to come out to your brothers in the service? Coming out is terrifying. But did you not find, in the service, that the anticipation of being shot at was worse, in terms of anxiety and fear, than when it was actually happening? Because once it is actually happening, you are empowered to deal with it. People are shooting at you; you do what you can to avoid the bullets--maybe you shoot back. Maybe you get shot, in which case, it is traumatic and painful, more than frightening. But surely, it is before the battle, when you know it's coming, or maybe worse, when you know it might be coming, that you have the space to feel the most fear. Coming out is the same way. The anticipation of what people's responses might be, is much scarier than once they are actually reacting to you. Once you see what their actual responses are, you can deal with them. But when you are still have no idea what will happen, when they could love you or despise you, embrace you or disown you, and, very importantly, when you could still get out of it, that is when you have the most anxiety, the most fear. Fear exists to help you avoid danger, and it is the strongest when the danger is still avoidable. When you have told them, and their reaction is inevitable and beyond your control, you will have a feeling that is more like dread, than the anxiety you feel right now. This is a terrible, sick feeling, but it will last only as long as you are in suspense. Once you know what their reaction actually is, there will be no fear anymore--pain, maybe, but not fear. For most of us, I think the fear is worse than the pain. So, my best advice, really, is to grit your teeth and dive in. Good luck with your sister!
Starting with your sister, especially if you're so close to her, sounds like a great idea - I have a similar relationship with my sister, and she's definitely my anchor in the family. Regarding what Ianthe brought out, I would actually recommend that your boyfriend not be there when you talk to your sister - as weird and uncomfortable as it might sound. This is basically because it's a really private moment with you and your sister, and plus, the more people that are there, the higher the possibility that she might feel "ganged up on." Now, I don't know your sister, so we might still be talking super minimal possibility here, but it's a thought. Ultimately, handle it the way you think best - after all, you probably know her better than anyone.
I think starting with your sister is a great idea. I'm assuming that you believe she will be the most accepting? Is your boyfriend going to be there for dinner? My sister and I have always been close to the strange point where we would use to run into one another the same time at my Chinese food place ( yes my place as much as she tries to say it’s hers). I really have no idea if my bf is going to be there for this. Hopping to get some advice on that.. What are your family's views about gay people, generally speaking? Do they know any gay people who are out? I come from a military family everyone is either in a branch or married to someone that was or currently in. Also for some reason my parents had me later on in life. The “miracle child” (aka whoops that can still happen). Ah yes I almost forgot to mention this part. My other sister’s husband’s brother (feel like I’m about to say a friend of a friend) was gay and died of AIDs when I was still a little guy running around. My family had to sit around and watch him waste away to nothing before he passed away and it really did a number on everyone. I think the saddest part is, as much as no one will admit it, they blamed his partner and took things out on him. I almost forgot the “interesting” conversation my father and I had after my last grandparent died. On the way back from the wake he decided to have a 45 minute conversation about how I need to “carry on the family blood line” since I’m the 1st male from the 1st male in the family. HAHA now I get to explain to him kids can still happen, that’s a conversation everyone should look forward to. Were you also wanting to come out to your brothers in the service? I really want to I have a couple close buddies that I still talk to. These are the same guys that sweat and bleed alongside me. I just don’t want anything to change between all of us. One of the Navy guys I worked with is moving down the street from me and I figured I would start with him. Think the best part is going to be explaining to him even a gay guy thinks he looks like shit in a leopard print thong. Very long and messed up story. Dang I need to quite filling the page like this.
Well, at least your sister's brother-in-law was still considered part of the family. That's fairly good to know. Since they have had that experience, you should be prepared for them to all want to talk to you about safer sex practices, and be ready to assure them that you are careful. If that was their most significant experience with gay men, you can expect them to be very afraid of it. Like Gravity, I also think it would be best to tell your sister one-on-one. Also, when coming out to your family, it is best if you can make it clear that you are gay independently of your relationship to your boyfriend. You must not allow them to think that he "turned you gay." That will create a very bad relationship between your family and your boyfriend. Maybe your boyfriend could make himself scarce for a half hour or so, and come back for dinner. After you text him and say that everything is calm and stuff. Your sister may want to meet him at that point. If your friend is going to be living down the street from you, you absolutely must come out to him. Otherwise, it will make your life crazy. So, starting with him is a good idea. (A man who wears a leopard print thong has no right to judge anyone about anything, in any case.)
