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Dating "Etiquette"

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Tycho, Jun 22, 2012.

  1. Tycho

    Regular Member

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    When you're dating someone do you usually think its okay to have other 'options' available? Like other possible dates on the side?

    What is your opinion? Do you do it? Are you comfortable with your 'date' doing it?

    I ask this not because I'm doing it but I would like opinions from the community.
     
  2. Ruby Dragon

    Ruby Dragon Well-Known Member

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    Etiquette would be to stick to one person until both parties concerned decide that it's ok to "date" other people, or until both parties agree that it won't work out.

    If dating would lead to a possible relationship then I say stick to one person only. But if you're still "on the hunt" then casual dates (no kissing or other romantic or sexual stuff) are acceptable until you've found one person you'd like to see more often. Then stick to that person only. Dating is very complicated and actually what you do depends on you personally. But that is how I see it and how I'd like my date(s) to treat me too.
     
  3. Although I've never dated, I think the best policy would be simply to ask the party/parties involved whether or not it's acceptable. I'm guessing that some people would be fine with it, while for others, it'd be a definite "no". Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it myself or having my date do it. Then again, I'd like to be friends with someone before initiating a relationship with them, because that's typically how my attraction works. So, by the time we start dating, I'd probably be quite smitten with them already and wouldn't want to date anyone else.
     
  4. Aldrick

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    Okay, I don't think there is any one single book of etiquette. Many different people can hold opinions, so take what I'm about to say with that in mind.

    In my view this is a bad idea. It's not something I'd find particularly flattering or acceptable if I were on the receiving end of it.

    If I knew, I'd either be angry enough to stop dating the person doing it, or I'd feel like I was in a competition.

    I can sorta understand and accept it if it were a first date with me situation. However, if the guy thinks he wants to go on a second date, then he should cancel the others. Not because I want him (or myself) to be all like, "OMG WE ARE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOR EVER. MARRIAGE! KIDS! A DOG! YAYYYY!"

    No. Because deep down I think if someone is doing this, they're trying to keep an escape hatch open. They have no interest in entering into a relationship, and the time and energy I'd put into it would be wasted. The first sight of trouble, what's this guy going to do? He's going to go running off to whomever he has lined up already.

    Now, if things were far past the first date - a point where we're actually committed, but he's keeping his options open because things might not work out... I'd basically view it as self-sabotage of the relationship. If you're already planning for disaster, what does that say? Again, it says to me that the first sign of trouble, he's going to go running off to someone else.

    Actually, just trying to imagine it kinda pisses me off. If I knew a guy was doing that to me, my response would immediately be, "Fuck you. Go. You obviously aren't ready to commit to a serious relationship."

    Like I said though, I can kinda understand when it's a first date kinda situation. Especially if you really don't know the person prior, like a blind date. I can get it then, because you don't even know if you're going to like the person. However, assuming that you've talked to them enough to get a feel for them, and you've established that there might be some type of connection of chemistry there... what is the point of the escape hatch, unless you plan to use it?

    After a first date, I think most people are going to know whether or not there might be some chemistry there, or whether or not they're interested in pursuing things further. So if they genuinely want a second date, it seems inappropriate to also continue seeing other people.

    If I was doing it, personally, I'd worry about what would happen if I sparked a connection with one or more of the guys I was dating. I'd then be forced to choose, and that would suck for me.
     
  5. Owen

    In Loving Memory Full Member

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    My philosophy toward it is this: as long as the guy is open and honest about it, I'm okay with it. Like many things, it comes down to us not expecting different things out of the relationship. Maybe he isn't ready to commit; it won't do either of us any good for me to pressure him to commit if he isn't ready (he'll probably grow to resent it, and it'll make me develop unreasonable expectations of him). But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy his company; it just means I'll know to not invest too much emotionally into the relationship (and that using condoms will be especially important).
     
  6. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    My thoughts:

    If you are dating and the understanding/expectation is that you're exclusively seeing each other, then no, it's not ok to be having "backup plans." But it all depends on how far into it you are. After a date or two, that's one thing; after a month or two, that's something else. And, as Owen said, it really is all about the understanding that each of you has come to.

    I have two friends, one of whom ("D") isn't very in touch with his emotions and doesn't often let people get close to him. He started dating another friend, ("M") and they were going steady, but D told M that he never dated one person exclusively. So they continued dating, and D and M (in spite of what D said) were both dating exclusively... even though D left himself the "option" of being open. Eventually they became a monogamous couple and were together for several years.

    I do think that if it gets past a month or two and one person "wants to keep options open", it's because s/he is afraid of intimacy and is (usually unconsciously) trying to put up barriers to protect him or herself. And that can be a challenge to overcome. But if both parties are committed to making it work, it can.
     
  7. Tycho

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    Thanks for the replies, very insightful.

    I think I can probably apply them to my situation (the person I'm seeing bought up the topic and it got me interested ... and because I may be on the recieving end :/).