Hi fellow EC'ers.....i'll just rant here so please turn back if you don't want to read it. I've been having serious bouts of depression that past two months, ever since i came out to a friend just after the end of my exams. I don't know what exactly triggered off those reactions, it started about a week after I 'came out', and began with me suddenly started checking out every half-decent guy on the street and feeling torrents of emotions that i'm not familiar with broiling inside me, then came the loneliness, and now at night, despite my hardest efforts of suppressing it, carnal images started appearing in my dreams. I've known i was gay since 17, and have accepted my orientation two years ago, but this is the first time i'm feeling emotions and feelings like these, and i'm overwhelmed by it. I'm scared, lonely, in a constant panic, unable to sleep at night and wake up every morning wanting to cry, in the past i can stop my feelings if i wanted to, and my isolation and loneliness never bothered me. But now my brain seemed to have turned on "autopilot" and i can't control it, while the loneliness only got ever more unbearable. I feel like jumping onto the train tracks now everytime i stand on the metro platforms....it seems...liberating? i don't know.. :tears: Can anyone tell me why am i feeling this way? Is there some way, ANY WAY i can get over this or at the very least stop driving myself nuts ? I don't want to go out and meet people like myself. I'm only out to one person (and only because i was very close to killing myself and i needed help) and i'm not comfortable stepping any further out of the closet yet. :eusa_liar Thank you for anyone that managed to finish reading my aimless little rant. I just need to vent badly and ask advice as i was mentally really close to acting out my railroad fantasy today.
First of all, I'd like to say that I'm very sorry you feel this way. I also understand, because I've been in the same position. What I would suggest I asking yourself "Why do I feel this way?" is it your sexuality that's getting you down, the isolation? Or is it something else? If you're lonely, try spending some more time with friends, even try to make new ones. What are you scared of? Once you figure things out, I would suggest talking to someone who can help you with your problem(s), and give you some reassurance. I usually find that just talking about my feelings is a great help on its own, even if it's something that I find hard to do. Find someone you can really trust and feel comfortable talking to, and just let them know how you feel.
