afraid to come out and feeling ashamed with being gay.

Even if your insurance doesn't cover it, it may be worth cutting corners in other ways to be able to see a therapist. Many therapists will also charge on a sliding scale, and reduce your fee if you need it.

But the biggest thing you can do to overcome the shame and fear it to talk about it with someone who will be accepting. Do you have a friend who will support you?

It says you are out to some, but not family and friends. Who are you out to? How did they respond to you?

 

Hi Needshelp

First I’m new to this site I came across the site looking for help myself and I find by reading the post here it helping me.

I have spent way to long in my closet and only now just cracked to door open I have the same sort of problems living life as a Gay man. I’m not shore what life as a Gay man is at this time and yes I’m very scared of coming out. If you can find someone to talk to do so it will help.

There has to be more to life than locked away in your dark room I’m 46 and only just starting to come to terms with it myself now. I feel that I have missed out so much on life because I have not been true to myself. I’m still finding it hard to say to myself that I am Gay and from what I can see from this site we need to accept are self-first before we can go the next step

 

I'm in the same boat. Spent my teens and twenties in denial trying to convince myself that I was straight. I have the exact same issues you are describing. I have started therapy which is helping. PFLAG has helped quite a bit. Also I found that being around other lgbt people, being gay doesn't seem that bizarre anymore. Then I go back to my life in the straight world and have the same anxieties. I guess it will take a lot of time.

 

God, yes, I'm exactly where you are, I know how you feel. I think If I didn't come out to my therapist first I would still be absolutely, completely in the closet. You should definitely find out if your insurance covers a lgbt therapist, I know mine does. Even just a few appointments can make a huge difference. Good luck, I wish you the best (*hug*)

 

Oh man, do I know what you're going through. Your post damn near reads like a biography of me. I'm actually kind of glad to know I'm not the only one who was programming myself to be straight. It's scary, because like you (I'm guessing), it wasn't even like it was denial. I had convinced myself that I was straight, but eventually it all came crashing down. (Again, pardon my assumptions, but this is how it went for me).

Suddenly you lose your identity, and realize that you denied yourself even the most innocent of things if it might bring your sexuality into question, even if just to yourself. I wouldn't even let myself listen to music that featured guys with high-pitched or feminine voices, even if I liked it. (Wow, I didn't even realize that until I typed it. How depressing! :/ ) Actually, that's part of it. I keep finding things that I denied myself out of fear, and it pisses me off. I feel like I wasted my best years being what I was 'supposed' to be.
There's a parable in the Bible that it reminds me of (not preaching or anything, lol). Nothing to do with religion really. It's the thing about the house built on a foundation of sand, versus the house built on a foundation of stone. My house was built on a foundation of heterosexuality. I designed it very carefully, put a lot of work into it. But since the foundation was a lie, the whole thing collapsed.

My advice would be to take time to get comfortable with your sexuality before coming out to those close to you. I told my parents, and I don't regret it, but I told them too soon I think, and that part troubles me. The important thing is that you know who you are. I understand the urge to tell people though. You feel like every second you don't tell someone, you're actively lying to them.
Something else I've come to realize is that you don't have to start liking Sex and the City and blowing truckers in gas station bathrooms. I'm really sorry if that seems crude, but that's what my brain was yelling at me while it was telling me to get back in the closet. It told me I had to immediately become a Hollywood stereotype, or stick to being straight. The thing is, you're still you. You're just a you who likes guys, not girls. Seems like it should be a simple concept, but I'm still having trouble with that myself.

Anyway like I said, sorry for saying that as if it's you, but I figured you might relate. Hope this helps, if just a little.