So... it's taken me awhile to talk about this, and I had to have a few drinks to get up the courage to do it, but this is the one place I know of that's supportive enough for me to be able to talk about it. So, here goes... So... I was molested when I was eight. I've never really talked about it, but since I've started coming to terms with my sexuality this has come up as well. I don't want to get too much into the details, but suffice to say, I had sex with a man when I was eight. It was in every sense, if you get my meaning. I'll try to refrain from being too graphic, but I was the catcher in this particular situation, which is not my thing. I didn't realize at the time that there were pitchers and catchers, but there was a lot I didn't get about being gay at the time. I would like to add that this isn't something I feel 'made me gay'. I just want to say that now. I've always known I was gay, and that almost makes what happened worse, because I, well, I wasn't entirely against it. :icon_redf But the thing is, when it happened I kind of detached from myself. I remember almost watching it as a spectator, if that makes any sense, and I remember thinking in what I now realize was a childish naivete, that it hurt and was scary and was confusing, and that if this is what it means to like boys, then I don't want to like boys. The year after that, when I was nine, I started masturbating to women. From that age on, I carefully cultivated a false attraction to the opposite sex, even going so far as to become addicted to straight porn. From then on, if I went without masturbating to straight porn for more than a week, it was because I was sick. I would never let myself look at gay porn. For over twenty years this went on. When I finally admitted that I was gay, the addiction to porn simply stopped, overnight. I haven't looked at it since. The thing is, this has left me emotionally and sexually stunted. I fantasize about being with a man constantly, even to the point that when I'm with my wife (who knows everything I've told you here), I close my eyes, and secretly fantasize that I'm with a man. She's been very understanding about my situation, but I can't tell her that. Now, my marriage aside, the problem is that as long as it's strictly in the realm of fantasy I'm completely comfortable with the idea of being intimate with a man. When I fantasized about women, I just imagined me railing some skanky hot chick. But when I have sexual fantasies about a man, they are endlessly intimate, to the point that the sex act simply becomes part of the fantasy, not the reason I was having the fantasy in the first place. Sorry to go on for so long, but I just don't know what to do. To try to put this in a ridiculously simple nutshell, it's like I'm (superficially) sexually attracted to women, but not emotionally; I'm emotionally attracted to men, but not sexually. What pisses me off is that I know I can be- should be- attracted to men, but it scares me to the point that I don't feel like I could ever actually go through with it. I'm just kind of wondering if anyone else out there has been through something similar, or at least has some advice on what I could do to begin to overcome this. Thanks for listening. ---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2012 at 03:43 PM ---------- I just want to add that if I can clear anything up for you, just ask. Don't worry about being too blunt or anything. I'm not ashamed to talk about it.
im dealing with pretty much the same thing.. but im not married.. Im really sorry you're going through this!! Stay strong!
I'm sorry about the abuse you suffered. I'm not quite sure of any advice to give you, maybe things will become more clearer with time? Are you in therapy?
I am. My therapist was actually the one who made confront it. She was very careful about how she worded it, but she talked to me about how I displayed many of the signs of sex abuse. I didn't want to admit it at the time, but I've since informed her that she was right. ---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2012 at 04:07 PM ---------- Thanks, Kayce, that means a lot. I'm just gonna keep working through this. Fortunately for me, my wife is very understanding. Her mom is a lesbian, so she has a good view on things.
It's wonderful that you have such an understanding wife. It sounds like she is very supportive, but it must be very hard for her. Have you considered going to a support group to talk to other abuse survivors? I understand that can help a lot. But for now, talking about it with your therapist is a good start.
Yeah, she's been wonderful, but it has taken it's toll on her. She can't really fully understand what I'm going through, and that frustrates her, I think. She can't understand why, despite all her support, I still sit up all night in a dark room without her. I haven't given much thought to a support group. I've only really been dealing with this for a short time. I don't know much about what resources are out there. Might be a good idea though.
Male childhood sexual abuse is extremely common; there are a number of studies that put the incidence in the US at approximately 1 in 6. Yet it very commonly goes unreported or underreported for a whole variety of reasons. And many male abuse survivors do not come to terms with it, talk about it, admit it, or even tell anyone for many, many years after it happens. ttmab, all of the experiences you are describing are normal and common to survivors of sexual abuse. This includes the experience of seeing it as a spectator -- many survivors can describe actually sensing that they left their body and floated above and watched what was happening -- as well as the numbness, confusion in sexual orientation, and emotional numbness. And equally common is knowing that you are gay, but being deathly afraid of being intimate with a man, simply because of the abuse. The good news is, all of those issues can be dealt with in therapy. The bad news is, this is *very* hard to overcome without therapy, or without a lot of work in a support group. And if you do seek therapy, you definitely want a therapist with extensive experience with male abuse survivors, as this is an area that has a lot of special challenges requiring a particular degree of skill. One suggestion I can make is to get a copy of Mic Hunter's book "Abused Boys" and Mike Lew's "Victims No More." You will probably find both of them somewhat difficult to read, in that they will likely bring up emotions for you. But they will help you in realizing how not alone you are, and how the things that happened to you years ago are still affecting you today... and how you can change them. I am also available to speak with you one-on-one and point you toward some resources and give you some suggestions. There are some online communities for male abuse survivors out there, but unfortunately, all of them I'm aware of have a lot of problems, and drama; and homophobia and denial of sexual identity is common, so I can't honestly recommend them. EC is a wonderful and safe place, and there are actually a pretty significant number of male abuse survivors here, so this is probably a great place to start.
Hi Ttmab, Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us here. It must have taken so much courage to do what you have done (even though is a forum). I'm not sure if anyone mentioned this yet, but I think you are doing really well. Thanks to all the incredible support you have so far and now you are figuring things out. That's terrific! Keep it up and EC will always have your back
Thanks! It's great to hear that from someone. It's been weird to deal with, and I have no idea what I'm doing really, so it's good to know that I'm at least heading in the right direction. :lol: ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2012 at 02:03 AM ---------- Thanks! I'll definitely check out those books. I'm down for any resources at this point. I poked around at some abuse websites, but yeah, it seemed like a lot of drama, and as I'm sure you can tell, I don't really need any more of that right now. :lol: Thanks for confirming my suspicions though. And yeah, I have to say, EC has been an unusually awesome online community, and pretty much all-purpose for any issues I've had. I'll have to take you up on a one-on-one chat, but I'll save that for a more reasonable hour, lol.
ttmab- hey. I'm so sorry for the abuse you suffered. I was abused starting at the same age you were. Both male and female abusers so...yeah. Anyway, to put a name to it, the 'watching it as if disconnected' is called 'dissociation'. Perfectly normal reaction for a human who is under extreme stress, especially in children who haven't got the cognitive or social understanding to cope with what is happening to them. I'm glad you have a therapist, because it is pretty much the only way to deal with past childhood sexual abuse. Forums, yeah, too much drama. I've only found here and one other place online that is good. Otherwise it seems to turn into a 'my abuse was worse than yours' competition. Anyway, I digress... As for feeling like you should be attracted to men sexually, but are afraid to be...is that because you fear that it will bring back memories? Or that you'll feel guilty for wanting to be intimate with a man, after being abused by one? Either way, I feel for you, it's hard. But if you find the right person then it won't feel like a recreation of the abuse. Although, you're married, so... I'm glad that your wife is being understanding. It must be very hard for both of you. (*hug*)
Thank you. I appreciate the concern. Yeah, I think on some level I'm afraid to connect with men because of what happened, but I've gotten over it enough so that I wouldn't turn down a potential relationship with another man. It would take a very kind and understanding man to be with me, and I doubt I will ever find that, but who knows? I've also come to realize that I wouldn't be against being on the receiving end of gay sex. It was the fear of reliving what happened that was holding me back, but I've started overcoming that. As far as my wife and I, we are now divorced, in part because of my sexuality, but she is still very supportive, and one of my best friends, so it all turned out well.
I'm really glad to hear that you're working hard on healing. You never know, Mr Right-for-you could make an appearance someday and I hope he does.
