Hi, All. I'm new here, but am looking very forward to talking to other gay people. Long story short - I am married-straight, and came out 6 years ago when we had only two children. Had never previously understood myself as gay, as I'd been taught and believed that it was impossible. My husband is generally a lovely person, but sort of cruel when it comes to my "crazy desires," as he calls them. We separated. I had a wonderful girlfriend. Our custody and separation got really ugly when my family became involved. Actually, the whole thing was hell on earth. My family is very deeply religious and very deeply controlling, not to mention that about 1/4 of them are repressed gay/bi. (seriously - they all told me in private). I freaked out, and when I was all alone against the world, scared shitless, and grieving over the loss of my marriage, I decided to stay. There were a lot of conditions, such as I could have gay friends, and we would have no sex unless I initiated. I never initiated, but he threatened divorce after only about 2 weeks of holding him off, so I caved. I can't properly describe my frame of mind back then, but it was hell on earth. We're very fertile, he won't use protection or get fixed (in case I "blow up" again and he has to go get married again and have more children), and I have allergic reactions to birth control, so in a little over two years' time we had two more children. Now I'm a mom of four. Love them all to death. Love being a mom. I finally got fixed. I slowly settled back into straight life, trying hard - so very hard - not to let being gay matter, but it's on my mind every single day. Life has been great. We are very blessed. Hubby is really great and lovely - a good daddy, we work together well, and he's kind except for requiring me not to even speak about being gay or anything like that. Oddly, we home school and go to a conservative church. I've tried hard to fit the bill, even though I knew I was self-medicating with food. I gained tons of weight in 6 years. Sometimes I've tried to go to counselling, but he starts talking about divorcing me right away unless I'll go to a gay-therapy counsellor so I can be changed. I refuse. That's one thing I've stuck to my guns on every single time. I refuse to subject myself to that. Last month I was flying to meet my husband for vacation when this unbelievable woman sat down next to me. She blew me away. I have never reacted like that to anyone before. It just threw open the shutters and let the light into my mind, reminded me what it was like to be ME and to be so very alive. I met my own self all over again. And it also reminded me what it was like to actually be attracted to someone, who also seemed very attracted to me, I might add. I told her about my family, and I tried not to flirt. After all, I'm married. But we really clicked. She took me on the train into the city and invited me back to her house "to leave my heavy bag while I toured the city." I didn't go because she was very slick and I couldn't tell if she meant more than what she said (I was sleep deprived, what can I say?), but I contacted her after I got home. She wrote me briefly, said she was extremely happy to hear from me, and then she checked my blog. Now I haven't heard from her for a while. I don't expect to hear from her again. I think our lack of directness and the fact that I'm still married (with a load of kids) scared her off - the reality in the blog photos. God, I wonder when I'll stop seeing her smile in my dreams? My brief encounter with her literally changed the course of my life. My husband and I were planning to adopt, but I cancelled that plan. That's a HUGE thing for me to have done. I am also registering to go back to school and get a Bach of Education so I can teach while I'm raising my kids. My kids will go to public school in the fall. I plan to go on for graduate school as well. I came back home and stopped eating so much. I'm losing weight, except for when I have to have sex. Then I gorge. It's honest-to-God the strangest thing to watch myself as if I'm third-party. I can barely stand to have sex. Sometimes I cry and hide it. Sometimes I'm just plain nauseous. I dread it. I'm having sex only for the sake of avoiding his anger, resentment, rage, and to prolong divorce because I'm pretty sure as soon as I refuse sex it'll all be over. And the thing is that he's not mean. We're friends. He treats me well. He's a sweetie and I think he's still in love with me, after 11 years. But it's like meeting her just awoke this sleeping giant, and I can't seem to stuff it back down into that box. I can no longer be a soul-contortionist. I hate being dishonest and not telling him exactly what I'm thinking and feeling, while at the same time I'm very scared (from past experience) about what will happen when I have those conversations. It's like I'm coming out all over again. So I needed a bit of release and someone to talk to. So glad you're all here!
Stop prolonging the divorce. You must get divorced. You should not have to have sex when you don't want to. He should have a wife who wants to have sex with him. You are not making yourself happy, and really, you are not making him happy. And you definitely shouldn't hide how unhappy it makes you having sex with him. I suspect the lesbian was scared off by the conservatism. She already knew you were married. Conservative Christian homeschooling family is another thing. Extreme, from her point of view. ---------- Post added 22nd Jun 2012 at 05:45 PM ---------- And Welcome to Empty Closets! (really, I don't mean to be harsh. I just think sometimes it's best to be blunt about things.)
Hi there, and welcome to EC. It made me a little sad to read your post. Someone who gets angry and threatens divorce over a lack of sex isn't really a nice person. He actually does sound pretty mean. He's nice as long as he's getting what he wants. I was married for 9 years to a wonderful woman. We have 2 beautiful little girls (now 9 and 11). And when she learned that I was gay (and had been unfaithful) she was the one to leave. I was terrified, but it was the best thing for both of us. All of us really. I was miserable, and as a result I was a horrible husband and father. Living my life honestly and authentically is the best way to be for me, my ex, and my kids. My ex wife and I are now both remarried. (I think my husband is WAY better than her husband, but I'm biased I guess. ) That 'other' life that you long for can be yours, and you can be happy. Happier than you've ever been if you're anything like me. But it's going to require some pain. The fact that you don't have a supportive family really sucks, because you'd think they'd be on your side. It makes the situations difficult for sure. I'm thrilled to hear that you're going to school. You need to work on you - so that you're not entirely dependant on your husband. He has you where he wants you, and that's not where you want to be... I wish you all the best. I hope you draw some strength from this site. And if you want to chat with me one on one you can send me a 'personal message' by clicking on my name on the left and selecting that from the drop down menu.
Hi Carm, I'm so glad you are reaching out for support here. I've just read your comment on my post- thank you! and that prompted me to check out your story. Same age, same struggle with food but you are right, I am in a much less complicated predicament than you. I feel for you as it is clear how trapped you feel. I would echo others' comments about sex. You should not have to have sex with anyone if you don't want to, this includes your husband. This is hurting you, especially if you hide how you really feel. It is wonderful that you have so much love for your children, and that you have been blessed with children. They need you to be emotionally available for them. My parents were unhappy in their relationship for at least all of my teenage years, maybe longer. They separated when I was 17 and divorced when I was 19. It was hell and I still carry the pain today (although I'm now working on releasing myself from this!) I wish you the strength to set yourself free. Do it for your children, but mostly do it for yourself. There is a chance that life could be more wonderful than you could ever imagine. It will be so hard and painful but isn't it worth taking that chance? Keep writing, sharing and reaching out. There is so much strength and hope here. In support of you, Rose
Welcome to EC, Carm! I was married for 35 years until coming out recently. I'm finally becoming the me I should have been all along. It's been very difficult, but exhilerating too! I'm not going to restate the advice you've already received - it's already perfect. The only advice I would add is that if you have the means, please find a counselor to help you sort everything out. The fact that he would forbid it unless it was for conversion therapy is beyond ridiculous. He's abusive, I don't care how nice he is most of the time, that's part of his controlling. You are a human being, not his property. As for your family members who are closeted. Maybe you'll be the pioneer that clears the way for their authenticity! That's for them to decide though, you become yourself and let the chips fall where they may. I wish you the best. EC is an amazing place where you will find support no matter what.
