Hey everyone! It's me... I know I disappeared there for a while, and I have to apologize for that. I just needed to work on some points of my life. I've still been struggling a bit with my sexuality, but for the most part I do feel that what I am right now fits me, so to speak. There are conflicts between my head and my heart, though, and it's annoying me. T_T With that being said, I also wanted to thank EC for everything they've done, every piece of advice they've given me, and I've enjoyed talking to many people. ^^ There are just a few discrepancies that I need to fix... But let's look at the facts: - I've been attracted to gay porn and nude guys, with straight porn and nude women just not having the same effect. - I've had numerous and multiple fantasies involving guys, though it was in more of a lustful sense... :icon_redf - Had literal dreams about getting intimate with a guy... and having it be stuck in my head and kinda wishing it would happen. ./////. - I did have a 'crush' on a girl way back when. I believe that was true, mostly for the fact that we shared many of the same interests... but in part, she was also a tutor, having taught me much about certain animes, games, and the like. I respected her, really. - Apparently I 'crushed' on a female teacher around that same time period... That might've been true, but I can also see it being more a role-model kinda thing. She has this air of confidence about her, and she's quite outgoing with a good sense of humor. : P I did admire her... seeing as how long ago as it was, though, I think it's impossible to pin-point the actual reasons. - I do kinda admire oriental women, for some reason. I wouldn't want to be romantically involved with them, nor am I sexually attracted to them, but they do seem kinda cute, in a way. - There is some internalized homophobia, as I've learned; I hate doing anything that might make it seem like I'm gay, because I don't want to be branded as such. I'm more than willing to come out to people, but to be labeled because of my actions scares me somewhat. I'm still sensitive to how other people think of me, and I do feel a pang of hate towards myself that would qualify as 'feminine'. I don't mean to offend anyone; in fact, I'm frustrated with myself that I would feel this way. ._. And yet it happens. However, I'm also unsure if it's because I feel like it's not who I am when I act a certain way, or if I'm being too over the top, or what. And I realize, the biggest hurdle right now, is for me to love myself. I'm just... not sure how to go about it. .___. - I currently have a boyfriend, albeit online, but we've been together for about 4 months, known each other for about 8 or 9 months, and he's planning to come up to see me by the end of August. :3 He is a year younger than me, and he lives in the south of America, but we share many of the same interests and I feel a real connection with him. He's the first person I feel like I've genuinely opened my heart to, and I've been a fairly guarded person. .////////. We've both agreed to take things slow, seeing as how he'll have to leave after a few days to go into the army. - I DID have a crush on this one guy during high school. Pretty damn sure it was a crush, anyway, seeing as how I flirted with him in my own special way... It didn't look like flirting, I know, but it felt like I was. I felt attracted to him, but it's majorly faded. - I have vague memories of going through 'denial' - feeling guilty about watching gay porn, when I started. 'Anger' - feeling angry at myself for feeling like this, like I couldn't be attracted to a woman. 'Grief' - being really depressed about the fact I could be gay. 'Bargaining' - trying to convince myself that if I kissed a girl, then I'd be good, or that I was just waiting for the right one to come along. ... I have VAGUE memories, though, and I'm not 100% certain they happened... it just doesn't feel like they didn't happen at the same time. I'm on the cusp of 'acceptance' - I just need to accept myself and love me for it. .w. - I've told some of my closest friends, a co-worker, my mom, and about 12 people in a chat group that I'm gay. And for the most part... it felt really, really good. My friends, co-worker, and chat group have been totally accepting. My mom... is accepting, yet doubting at the same time. :/ She doesn't really believe it, considering the aforementioned 'crushes' I had. But I've also been guarded against my parents; I'm afraid of being unloved and judged by them. .___. I've been wary of the way I act as to not let anyone suspect anything. - I did hug a totally new guy friend when I was younger in front of my dad when my dad said the friend had to leave... I just felt like doing it. That, and I also claimed he was my 'good luck charm' when I hugged him because I suddenly started doing really good on this Final Fantasy Tactics stage once he came in; I was having major trouble with it before. >w<; It felt awkward, yet... kinda good. ....I think. ./////////. It was a long time ago. Many of these I remembered after such a long time. Yeah, for the most part they do point towards me being gay... but without any experience, I guess I can't say for sure. ./////. I'm really nervous about having anything happen with a guy, but I get really excited too. I mean, I don't know if I could be touchy-feely in public - at least, not yet. I'unno... I keep trying to put myself into these imaginary situations to gauge how I would feel. EC, you are a wonderful, supporting place! While I might appreciate some help and discussion, I always wanted to organize my thoughts and facts. Thank you for all the help you've given me, though! I feel like I've come that much closer to realizing who I am! (*hug*)
