Hi everyone. This will be long, because I'm going to tell the relevant parts of my story as best I can. I'm 17 years old and I live with my parents. I'm a high school graduate, but I'm not going to college until August 2013, which is quite a while away. Therefore I have a great chunk of time where I have to live with my parents. But more on them later. Since about last August I've been thinking of myself as female—not the most feminine of transgender women, but I'm entirely certain that I feel this way and that in the future I want to change my body and whatnot. I just feel like it would be a vastly superior expression of myself. The social role suits me better, and the physical aspects are appealing to me as well (although these matters are not the focus of this post). For most of the time since August, however, despite knowing the truth about myself full-well, I had serious difficulty avoiding deep denial for more than brief spurts of time. I felt great external pressure to completely suppress my feelings, which became unconscious for the majority of that time. About a week ago, I was having dinner with two of my female best friends and I accidentally referred to myself as female as well. In addition, when speaking to my father on several occasions as far back as the last year or two, I've let the same thing slip. Basically, last week completely shattered my internal denial. I came out as transgender to three of my friends in the last few days (although not the two I had dinner with, nor anyone else who attended my school or will be attending my college). In this time, it has become increasingly obvious that I need to tell people. That said, I have a habit of indiscriminately sharing secrets, often with negative consequences, so to be frank I'm terrified of coming out to my friends in general or to my parents—ESPECIALLY my parents. This isn't uncommon, I guess, but it's very uncomfortable. I should clarify that my parents know nothing of either my bisexuality or my transgender-ness. The only time i've ever brought the topic up was once about fourteen months ago when I told my parents I was bi-curious. They appeared to both scared for me pragmatically—although they didn't judge me negatively to my face—and they tried to dismiss it as a phase. Ultimately, to avoid tension, I ended up letting them believe that it indeed was a phase and that it passed. Actually, though, I grew to be quite sure of my bisexuality. I found out later that the first night after I told them I was bi-curious, my mom cried herself to sleep and my dad was outright terrified. So I don't think they were entirely up-front with me as to their feelings about it. I should mention as well, I write a lot of poetry, and I semi-regularly perform it for crowds with generally positive outcomes, so the prospect of wearing my soul on my sleeve isn't foreign to me. That part doesn't terrify me. What does terrify me is that I had a pretty tough awakening when I found out about their true reactions. And now I find myself in a place where I not only have to drop the bomb about being bisexual but also throw them for yet another loop with the transgender thing, which I'm especially scared of. Another matter is that I have a slightly more practical problem, in that I want to go to a college which my dad believes is right-wing due to its archaic reputation as such. It actually isn't too considerably right-wing from what I've heard from friends who are already there, and it actually has an amazing GLBT support network, but he won't ever be convinced if I were to tell him that. He's very liberal on economic issues, but not so much with social issues, so the fact he perceives this school as right-wing is already causing enough tension. I'm worried that he might prevent me from going outright if he knew about the truth with my gender identity and sexuality. I ultimately believe that it'll be very difficult to work through the family problems I bring up. I have decided to write a letter to my parents, because with my poetry background I consider myself better with rehearsed words than impromptu words, but I have no idea how to time it. We don't have the means financially to take any steps toward my eventual transition, so that wouldn't be affected, but with the college thing I know it makes pragmatic sense to wait until I'm safely attending my school of choice to tell my parents all this. But I usually express myself so much when I realize something... Waiting feels horribly uncomfortable, and I deeply care that they understand me, or at least that I do my best to help them understand. It makes emotional sense to bite the bullet, possibly go to a different school, and tell them now, or soon. If I did that I was thinking October 11, just because I'm big on symbolism, but again I'm not sure... I know this is complicated, and honestly I just appreciate that you took the time to read my story. Thank you for that, outright. But it's confusing... it's like my emotions and my reason disagree with each other and I can't decide which one is more important. I feel like there may be other ways to think about this. I have a tendency to overanalyze and not think outside the box, and I really feel like I need guidance... Any advice would be endlessly appreciated. And I'd be happy to talk about anything that wasn't clear enough or remains ambiguous.
Hi there, and welcome to EC. I just wanted to let you know that I had read your post and I don't think you're going through something that most transgendered people don't also go through. It is scary to contemplate telling the people closest to you - for fear of their reaction. In the end though, you need to live your life for you. You seem more upset and worried about how this will affect your parents than how it affects you. In reality, this affects you WAY MORE than it affects your parents. So your concerns and your energies might be misdirected. Your mom and dad need educating. PFLAG has some great information. If there is a local chapter perhaps you could all attend their meetings. It would be great to have them support you and not be so fearful. It would also be good for them to understand how important it would be for you to attend a supportive university. Good luck! And again, welcome to EC.
Thank you for that, Jim1454. That actually calmed me down a lot... I really needed to get that out and get some response to it... And I'm glad that you understand. That's a really good point you bring up, about it being much more important with my life than theirs. I guess I'm just nervous that in response to this news they'll try to control me and fit me into a mold as they have tried to do for a long time... Although the time for that might have passed. I'm not sure. I guess it's pointless to worry about it after a point. I feel like my mom would ultimately be supportive, but my dad would never go to any meetings with me. He and I don't do things together. He says he's always too busy with work. But I think I can handle their education, over time. Thanks again for your help!
