don't know where to start or how to explain this, but I'm so scared at the moment and I really need advice. I met my husband in highschool and we started dating when I was 19. I really liked him, but the more he liked me the more I would feel like I needed to get away from him. This happened with every guy I got close to. I thoughtt our relationship was good, I loved being with him, holding hands and stuff. But it always seemed like he wanted more emotionally from me. I get extreme anxiety when people are too close to me. When things got really bad, the anxiety almost killed me. I was devestated that we were breaking up, I wanted the bad feelings to go away so badly, I hated feeling like that. I couldn't handle it. We broke up so many time but I couldn't get rid of that bad feeling in my stomach. I was trying to figure out what the root cause was and I started to think I was a lesbian, but I didn't really want to have sex with a girl. I pushed myself to think all these things about girls, but I still didn't want to leave my bf. Then I got pregnant around this time. And I got into Christianity as well. I decided to keep the baby as it was wrong to have an abortion. I didn't really care about homosexuality, I knew I liked guys, but I started to get really clingy to my girlfriends. I also started to have strange thoughts, like wanting to chnage my gender identity. I didn't want to be a girl anymore. I was in a horrible place. When the baby was born those gender feelings went away, but I couldn't find a connectiontto my child. I really wanted to give her away. 2 years later I found out what HOCD/OCD was. I was so relieved, my doctor also said I have OCD. I went on with my life, kissed my husband when I wanted to, tried to get close to my daughter. Saw a few therapists, but I was always scared of erp in fear of what could be true. Being around my daughter and family caused me insane anxiety. I get really bad anxiety around people that get close to me. Every once in a while I'd get a bad ocd spike such as thinking about spending my life with a girl I would just meet, I just could never picture the sex part. I got a ton of reasurrrance for almost 4 years. Then it went away and I started thinking about men again. However when HOCD was there is was very strong, I would get urges to leave my family right then and run away. I pinned everything on OCD. When I accepted my thoughts my world would look different and I'd go into a panic attack and dissassociate. I depended heavily on reasurrance. A few months ago I started to see a psycologist, I wanted to get rid of my thoughts once and for all. As we spoke I told her about the urges to leave my husband for another man. We decided that love was a choice and the anxiety started to go away around him and my daughter. I kissed him when I wanted to, etc. I was so happy, or so I thought. We decided to try for another baby and from then things have been downhill. If I ever thought these things were true I wouldn't have gotten pregnant. I cried tears of joy when I found out we were expecting. For the past 4 months I have been in hell. My HOCD I started focusing on and pushed all the thoughts, I started checking, pushing my thoughts cause I couldn't get reaurrance anymore (my therapist wouldn't let me). I was not supposed to check though, but I had to get rid of the thoughts so I exposed myself as much as I could. To my horror, being a lesbian didn't seem so bad, it actually seemed appealable. I've never really fantasisied about being with a girl, but I tried and it didn't seem so bad. Nothing about it actually seems bad, it actually feels like something I want to do. I accepted that, but everytime I would look at a woman I felt really manly, I still couldnt/cant picture myself with a girl unless I am a man. I feel like I am transgendered now. I haven't been able to have sex with my husband/be close to him in 3 months, since I have accepted this. My daughter I feel even more distant with and I don't want the new baby at all. Everyday I wake up in hell, with panic attacks, I feel like I'm lying to my husband. People look like I haven't seen them in years. The more time I spend thinking about it the more I want to do this stuff. I want to be a man now. My therapist is saying to wait until the baby is born to tell my husband and we are now focusing on the sexual abuse from when I was younger. I have major anxiety issues around anyone who gets close to me other than women, she says that's not usual. She also says to wait as my hormones are prob all over the place right now. I just want to leave everything behind and. Be a lesbian and a man. I just can't live like this and seeing her every 2 weeks seeing my therpist is difficult with these urges. She says whatever the right decision will be same 3 months from now. But I just want to leave now. I want to put the baby up for adoption and run away to my new life. I know this sounds really selfish, but I can't stand this anxiety/bad feelings anymore.
Omg I'm SO Sorry You're Going Through All Of That!! You should take your Therapist advice and just wait it out, i think. Could you see her more then just once every two weeks? I might have interpreted that wrong i couldnt tell if you meant you didntt see her enough or you saw her to much. I really hope everything works out for you!
I don't see her enough, she's 150 per session and my insurance ran out I work by client base, its been really difficult going to work and being like this...I'm supposed to be a motivator, and I feel like I'm dying.
Dont do anything rash, girl! Im telling ya, your doc is right, your hormones are messed up and it is making your OCD mess up more, and you will regret HUGE adopting out that baby! you may want to check yourself into a hospital until you are done with pregnancy to keep yourself and baby safe. you can always sign yourself back out again, at least USA you can. I thought in Canada it was free?
Yup we're free here. I see my therapist next week Thurs and will prob ask her about going into a mental institute/hospital cause I really can't control myself. I've like blocked websites from my computer so I can't go on sites to meet women and I've given away my husbands shavers and razors and thrown scissors out so I don't cut off my hair.
