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my mum

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by softshock, Jun 24, 2012.

  1. softshock

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    basically I just want to get something off my chest and see what others think - my mum recently read my diary. im sure of it because I'd left it unlocked (my fault) and it had moved when I saw it again.
    id said in there that I'm gay, and I'd also talked quite a lot about the person I like.
    I'm wondering was it right for her to do that, as my mum? I feel quite betrayed and exposed but then it gets confusing. because she's been dropping hints lately about how she will 'always be there to talk to me' and how she'll 'have no problem whatsoever if any of her children are gay' so basically now I know I'd have a positive reaction from her anyway which is great but should she have read my diary still?? I don't know how to feel. also lately I have been thinking about coming out but I wasnt planning on telling family first so it's ruined that a bit. should I talk to her about it? sometimes I feel ready to come out but then I get all nervous again :icon_redf
     
  2. Sayu

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    Hey, it wasn't right maybe that she read your diary, but come on, we're people and we're all curious about others' lives, right? She is your mum and it's amazing that she supports you, maybe she thinks that you want to come out to her and are afraid of not being accepted. So if she keeps saying those things, maybe it's the time you had a chat with her! If you know she's going to be supportive, then go ahead if you're ready to tell her :slight_smile: You can also ask about the diary then :slight_smile:

    If you want to tell somebody else first, well, then you could start with one of your friends :slight_smile:

    It must be a wonderful feeling when you know your mum is going to be completely fine with your sexuality. I mean, my mum will be cool with it too, I guess, but I'm still worried about coming out to her. You don't have to be :slight_smile: That would get a lot of worries off my chest!

    Wish you all the best! (*hug*) And welcome to EC! :slight_smile:
     
  3. Fiddledeedee

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    I know how you feel, softshock; my mother did prettymuch the same thing in December and found out stuff I really wasn't ready for her to know. I also felt like it was my fault – I had left the paper on the desk, though I fetched it when I remembered maybe half an hour later – but that doesn't stop me feeling that it was an invasion of my privacy and she shouldn't have done it. I wanted to be able to tell her on my own terms, in my own time (which definitely wouldn't have been for some years, and she wouldn't have been the first person I'd tell); that was taken away.

    In my case, my mother confronted me about it the next evening so I didn't have to decide to do it myself. In your case, I'd advise to come out to her; she probably already knows, and she's accepting and positive and all. It's up to you about bringing up the diary – accusing her of/calling her out on reading it might not go well. You might be able to ask if she already knew or suspected, and see if she admits to reading your diary. She shouldn't have done that, lock or no.

    For coming out, well, all I can say is that you just have to do it. I was shaking when I came out for the first time, and waited several minutes outside my brother's door gathering up courage. I was distressed and breathing fast when I came out to my mum. But it does get easier; as with all things, practise helps, and the more you're able to come out the better it'll be. You don't even have to lead up to it*– when I was first telling my friends, one by one, I would just say "This is completely unrelated, but did you know I'm bisexual?" or "Changing the subject briefly, what would you think if I said I was bi?". Mother was harder to tell, and I started by asking her if she would always love me and if she would be angry at me for something outside my control. Having her promise not to be angry helped me tell her.

    You'll have to figure out your own way of doing stuff, in your own time. Good luck; I hope things go well for you, whatever you choose. :newcolor:
     
  4. softshock

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    thanks for the responses! after reading them I do think it's time to talk to her. I need to stop mulling over the possible repercussions and just do it. Thanks again for helping me realise haha :slight_smile: eek!
     
  5. Chip

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    It's absolutely wrong for a parent to read his or her child's diary, particularly when you are 15 or 16 or older. It's an invasion of privacy that should not happen, whether the diary ls locked or unlocked, left out or put away.

    The only exception I would make is if the parent genuinely felt that something was very, very seriously wrong that was life threatening. But it doesn't sound like that was the case.
     
  6. softshock

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    oh :icon_sad: so what do I do about it?
     
  7. Gen

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    You know I actually disagree this time. I dont think it was a bad thing that she read your diary, because you aparantly have not been strangled or confronted so it seems as though it isnt something she is completely devastated/pissed about. Maybe this means this is the time that you should come out now :/.

    If you mom wanted to know what was really going on in your life, I'm sure it wasnt with malicious intent. She probably did it so that she could be aware of some issures you might be going through in order to see if there was anyways she could help. Just talk to her.
     
  8. bob94

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    I completely agree. It was wrong of your mother. I'm sure she remembers being a teenager, so she should know that there are a lot of private thoughts/emotions running through your head that you want to be left private. But it could be a blessing in disguise. At least you don't have to worry about her being unaccepting. So yes, it was wrong of her to read your diary, but it may have turned out quite well. When you tell her about your sexuality, I would bring up the fact that you're upset for her invading your privacy like that, and that you wanted to tell her when you were ready.
     
  9. softshock

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    Okay... thanks guys. So I guess overall I'm lucky she's taken it well, I should talk to her soon, but should still not just let the diary thing pass. Thank you haha I've been worrying about this but it'll be okay
     
  10. Ianthe

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    I think it was wrong of her to look in your diary. On the other hand, it may be that she has been worried about you for some reason. Since you are not out to her, she may sense that you have been hiding something--and if she doesn't know what it is, that could be very, very worrying. If you've been noticeably depressed, that would worry her too.

    Also, it can be very difficult for parents, especially for the primary caregiver, which moms usually are. There was a time when you depended on her for every little thing. To her, it does not feel like it was very long ago. It can be very difficult to make the adjustment to there being parts of your life that she isn't supposed to be involved in.

    So, I think that it was wrong of her, and you should probably say something, but I don't think you need to get really angry about it or anything. Actually, I think it will be the most effective if you talk to her about it calmly--it will show maturity on your part, and make it even more clear that you are old enough to have some privacy.

    Go ahead and talk to her about it, and also tell her what you said about wanting to decide how to tell her in your own way.

    Incidentally, she is doing exactly what we would tell her to do, if she came on here saying, "I read my daughter's diary and found out she is a lesbian! What do I do!" She hasn't confronted you about it, but has made it clear that she is supportive.

    Of course, we would also tell her not to read your diary. But try to be understanding--you are very important to her, and it used to be that she knew everything there was to know about you. Even though she knows that losing some of that intimacy with you is a necessary part of you growing up, it is still hard for her.

    Just tell her firmly that reading your diary wasn't appropriate, and you want to be sure that she isn't going to do it again. And then talk to her about your sexuality, and maybe have some resources from PFLAG for her.

    I think if you start yelling at her or something, the whole thing will be a lot worse than it needs to be.
     
  11. Lewis

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    I don't agree with parents reading their children's diary, but in this case, it seems like it was probably for the best. I would love my parent to find out that I was gay somehow and then tell me it was okay...