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Unapproachable or Unnoticed?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Martee, Jun 24, 2012.

  1. Martee

    Martee Guest

    So...I'm androgynous (at least I might be...sexuality is so confusing and really doesn't define me in itself or anyone is for that matter. Sexuality is just ONE part of who we are as humans). I live in a big city and love walking around especially in summer just cruising the main streets. People watching is entertaining :slight_smile: and when I'm downtown I see a lot of "out lesbians." I'm curious about them, but never approach them because to them I'm nobody and it'd be incredibly weird and extremely awkward. Because let's face it, they're "strangers" and I'd hate to assume and be thought the fool...but as far as stereotyping goes, I'd say my gaydar for them is spot on. Even if they initiated conversation I'd prolly get all weird. Like just say, "Uh. Hi." They'd be creeped out...I know if someone came up to me randomly I'd be a bit standoff-ish. Plus we're city goers and generally not as open to complete strangers approaching us.

    Okay so I rambled a bit there...anyway, I guess my point of confusion is this:

    1. I feel like I really want to say hi or something, but don't have a concrete answer as to why.

    2. I wonder if they think I'm gay or even notice me (sometimes I catch their eye and sometimes they catch mine first), but again I don't know why this matters to me.

    3. or I want them to initiate conversation with me (or vice-versa) just to chat, but they're usually with another girl or group of girls and doing their own thing.

    Like I said, I don't know why this matters to me or why it's confusing me, but I figured if EC can't help me make sense of it all then it's just me and I'm weird LOL :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #1 Martee, Jun 24, 2012
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2012
  2. Ianthe

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    Androgyny is really about your gender, rather than your sexuality.

    If your dress and manner are androgynous, many people will read you as a lesbian. This is the same thing you are doing to the people you are talking about as "out lesbians."

    I am very girly, but I am an out lesbian. Some women who are very androgynous, or even really butch, are not lesbians, or are not out. Gender non-conformity correlates only partially with sexual orientation.

    I think it's really interesting, psychologically speaking, that you would presume that they are lesbians. You might want to examine whether that could be because you have suppressed your own lesbianism. I don't mean to deny that there are asexual people out there, but some people who identify as asexual are people who have suppressed their sexuality for some reason.

    I also think the fact that you are so powerfully aware of them, and so strongly want to interact with them, points to this. It sounds to me like you are attracted to them. That is basically how I feel when I am first attracted to someone. I don't start thinking about sex right away, I just really want to go over and talk to her, or interact with her somehow. I want her attention. And I feel awkward, and can't figure out how to approach.

    So, I kind of think you are attracted to them. But you are not comfortable enough with that to admit it to yourself.
     
  3. Martee

    Martee Guest

    Yes I agree, and that's kind of what I meant/was trying to say in my first few sentences, but it came out all mixed up. You could be right that they do not identify as lesbians at all and are just androgynous or butch as you said.

    I don't think it's that interesting that I presume some girls I see to be lesbian. I'm not saying that every non-girly girl I see I conclude that they must be lesbian, but sometimes it's rather obvious (always room for error, but sometimes you just know because they are out). I am androgynous in dress and most mannerisms and like you said, people have thought me to be lesbian because of that. I chose asexual because I don't care about my sexuality. I'm sure there's supression of something deep in the recesses of my brain, but what...idk.

    I don't know if it's attraction as much as being intrigued. Just interested. I find people interesting and for some reason or another, I find the non-conforming gals in my city more interesting than say the street performers. It's not been long this way, but just this summer as I've been enjoying my city.

    Maybe I am, idk. If I were would that then make me lesbian? It's all just confusing at times and it's probably nothing and I'm making a big deal about it for naught.
     
  4. Owen

    In Loving Memory Full Member

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    I also feel that draw to have a conversation with a woman if she is androgynous or just otherwise doesn't fit gender norms. It just seems to me like someone who presents herself that way would be interesting to have a conversation with. Of course, that's a generalizations, and generalizations are generally bad :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:, but that's my reason. That might also explain the draw you feel, though maybe not.

    If that's your reason, you might be interested in the label "pomosexual".

    (emphasis is my own, and no, the irony that there's a label for people who reject labels is not lost on me :slight_smile: )

    Asexual means a specific thing: no sexual attraction felt. Choosing it means choosing a label for your sexuality; it means the asexual person cares about their sexuality enough to label it as asexuality.
     
  5. Martee

    Martee Guest

    (Emphasis added) I think you're on to something there :wink: Yes, I do think they would be interesting person with whom to converse. I think it ends there because I don't see myself having a relationship or even a friendship with them...just a chance meeting I suppose.

    "Pomosexual" - I don't think that word is the right fit either for how I feel/understand myself. It's not really about me not wanting a label, but more about me wanting a word I can use that already has a definition; thus negating the need for me to give a long drawn out explination if somone persists. I'm sticking with asexual until I find a more apt term to describe whatever I am :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: haha
     
  6. Ianthe

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    Yes--sometimes, there are gender non-conforming girls holding hands with their girlfriends and wearing a shirt that says Legalize Gay in giant letters. You can be pretty sure that those ones are queer.

    I think that you are drawn to them in a more powerful way than what Owen is describing. You found it intense enough, and out of the ordinary enough, that you felt like you needed to make a post about it on here.

    When you make eye contact as you describe in #2, what's happening there is that they are recognizing you as belonging in their community. (I am jealous; this has only happened to me once, ever, and I count it as one of the best moments in my life.) That look says, "I see you. I recognize you, even though we have never met. We are connected in this way." That look is inclusion.

    So yes, the lesbians think you are a lesbian. Or at least, they think you are probably a lesbian, and definitely not a typical straight girl.

    You regard your sexuality as unimportant. I think I used to feel more or less the same--I used to think, if only I were Catholic, I could just be a nun or something. But now that I'm out to myself, I really regret the years I lost to thinking it didn't matter (really, I was in denial, and the feeling that it wasn't important was a way of avoiding having to deal with it). I really wish I could have dated while I was still in college, for example.

    Of course it isn't everything about you--but it is part of you, and it does matter. Which isn't to say you have to have all the answers at once, but only that it would be a good idea for you to stop avoiding the question in your mind.

    Our minds can be very tricksy, when we are in denial.

    As I said, there are asexuals out there. And certainly, you can choose to be celibate, regardless of your sexual orientation--people do choose that, for a variety of reasons. But it's not really a good thing to be hiding something from yourself in your mind.


    I've talked to a lot of gay people, who went through long periods of denial. Many of us have had the experience of being drawn to things related to it--wanting to talk to apparent gay people, having an interest in gay and lesbian literature or films, inexplicably wanting to join the LGBT group at school.

    So for me, when you come on here with a question that goes, "why do I have this unexplained desire to associate with lesbians," the answer seems likely to be that you are a lesbian yourself. You are describing an experience that many lesbians have before they are out to themselves.
     
  7. nachocheez

    nachocheez Guest

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